Self Serve(d) is a blog by and for a sex-positive world. We are all our own sexperts and have much to contribute. Self Serve(d) includes the wisdom, experience and advice from the sexperts all around us. communication, collaboration, liberation & masturbation...
Back In November my slave and I did a presentation at AEL. Here is an excerpt about Tips for Tops, and how to be a more effective Dominant.
Tip #1: Encourage your sub to leave the house without you. Sometimes this means telling them to leave the house without you to go to a movie or hang out with friends. This helps the submissive recharge and come back more energized to be with you! There is a great advantage to separate space!
Tip#2: If you are feeling like you have reasonable expectations and things still aren’t getting done, have the sub write out a time line of their day, going over how long it took them to do each chore/assignment. You might be surprised that a single assignment may take a few hours, this information will give you the insight and ability to adjust where needed, so everyone walks away feeling successful.
Tip#3: Learn to Accept Service. A lot of times when we read about or hear about service to dom/tops, the tops/doms are depicted as being stoic and unresponsive to the act of submission they just received. This style may work for some people, but if you have a submissive that needs affirmation or if as a top you require a lot in the way of service, a different approach is usually needed. Accepting service gracefully through verbal recognition, or even a grunt and nod can make quite a difference.
Tip#4: Understand what taking a break really means. I’m as guilty of this as the next person. So I’ll say "lets take a break!" and I go sit on the couch and watch a movie while my slave still makes dinner, cleans the kitchen, and makes up the bed. So who really had the break? And I think, "why are you so tired? We just took a break?!” So taking a break sometimes needs to be more directly submissive focused. "Let’s go eat out, or don’t worry about the dishes," or for those of you who are parents, try saying “I’ve just listed the kids on ebay." We joke, but even simply saying “go lay down” could be all it takes.
Tip #5: Give Positive Feedback. The tricky part about positive feedback is that negative feedback can be hot. "You rubbed my feet all wrong, do it again!" Over the long term however, it can begin to have the opposite effect. If the relationship becomes focused on what doesn’t get done or done right, then you now have a relationship that is focused exclusively on negativity and the sense that failure is the expectation and not the exception. Even when something does get done right it is overshadowed by what the next mistake will be.
Tip #6: Be Relate-able. No one is infallible, and tops/doms/masters need to share their experience and feelings with the sub as well. Not only does this promote better communication, but being able to let yourself be human takes a lot of pressure off of the both of you to live up to a possibly unrealistic ideal that you have set up for yourselves. Talking about feeling a sense of failure can stop you from overcompensating next time you ask for something to get done and it doesn’t happen.
Tip#7: As a dom/top/master, if you’re going through a higher pressure/stressful time in life, it is very easy to transfer that sense of heightened pressure into a heightened sense of expectations to your submissive. In other words, resorting to crisis-based topping. We all do it and although some expectations may be realistic, it is important to take a step back and see things for that they really are.
Tip#8: Understand that when subs do things away from you it is not a challenge to your authority.
Having autonomous identities is a healthy expression of every individual.
Tip#9: Find the right group of tops to talk to. Unfortunately a lot of times when dom/tops get together it becomes a game of posturing and show boating. This can make it very difficult to honestly speak about what you are going through. Especially if you feel like you aren't getting what you want from your submissive because of some personal failure on your part. Find a group of tops that openly talk about their own journey with candor and are supportive of yours. This can be very eye opening!
These are just some things that I have come across over the years that have been helpful to me! I hope that they were helpful to you.
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