Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: Red Flags

When people come into the lifestyle and they are new to there own identity there is an overwhelming excitement, suddenly everything that you are has a reason and a name! Because there is a lot of talk about honor and integrity and honestly it is easy to get sucked into thinking that this is some sort of strange Utopian society. Sometimes people are not as cautions as they should be thinking that their new identity can shield them from relationship shrapnel. But it doesn’t exactly work that way; all of the same issues that are in the vanilla world are in our world. However since bdsm and leather relationships also have a physical component there are certainly red flags that apply to people coming into the lifestyle for the first time or looking to play with a new dominant.

1) Be aware of a dominant that wants to tie you up right away. Even if it is a fantasy, once tied up there is nothing you can do if they decide that your boundaries don’t matter anymore.

2) Be aware of a dominant that continues to question your limits. Someone that continues to push your boundaries is saying loud and clear that they really don’t care what you are comfortable with.

3) A dominant that has done “everything”, has all skills and no limits. There are a lot of people there that have a vast amount of experience, but pay attention to the inflated dominant. Everyone has limits, everyone has a skill, at least one that they either don’t do or haven’t done. Oftentimes the “I have done everything” mentality translates to “you should be comfortable with anything that I do, because I am soooo skilled”.

4) Someone who want to keep the relationship secret. Discretion is OK, but over time the secret relationship becomes one were a person isn’t allowed to talk about issues, and if questions arise, being able to talk about what is going on is really important.
5) Someone who expects financial support as part of the submissive duty. Over time, if you know someone and things are working out that way, sure that can arranged. I am talking about that being the immediate expectation.

Red flags go both ways, just because a person is a dominant does not mean that they also can’t be exploited. Something’s for dommes to consider are-

1) A submissive that wants you to play harder or more then you are comfortable with. Dominants have limits to, and if you are new and feeling things out, your limits need to be respected.

2) A bottom that pushes you into an identity that you are not comfortable with, so it can compliment how they identify. I actually see this a lot, and it does more damage than someone accepting what they need to be. If someone is a service top and that is what they really enjoy, pushing them into a Daddy role or a Mistress role can be very uncomfortable and lead to a lot of self doubt.

3) A submissive that wants you to solve their endless list of problems. We all have issues and problems, but submissive's that have a continuous stream of problems, and have the expectation that the dominant should do something to fix them can be problematical. Just because someone is a submissive doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be able to handle their own affairs.

4) A submissive that doesn’t let the dominate relax, and becomes critical when the dominant isn’t “on”. This can translate to a submissive that has a constant need for attention. Although cute in short bursts, over time this behavior is draining, and stops the dominant from investing their time in things that need to be done.

5) A submissive that has consistent issues in the community that they want the dominant to address. Sometimes a submissive will create issues with other people and then ask the dominant to step in. This just causes further conflict. I am not saying that things don’t happen and need to be addressed, but if the dominant is asked to speak to multiple people on a regular basis this might be something that speaks more about the submissive then the people around them.

It is easy to get sucked into the experience of the community, in a lot of ways it is truly different then experiencing other parts of the community, and being able to talk about a person’s fantasies so openly is freeing and euphoric. But there are dangers, and being aware of them is crucial to navigating the community safely.
If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area, please contact:

If you are interested in an online New Mexico Community check out:
group name: New Mexico Fetlifers

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