Friday, June 17, 2011

Leather Bear Tails : How Far is too Far?

Ugg! I hate these situations, they annoy me!

They are the borderline situations where I must weigh whether or not to step in on my slave’s behalf. Just so that I am clear here, my lovely lady is more than capable of taking care of herself. On many occasions she attends events without me, she handles her own internet affairs (not all Masters allow this) , and in general stands up for herself when necessary, with grace and humor I might add. Most importantly, she refrains from resorting to point blank rudeness or making a scene when someone breaks etiquette in our community.

I am very proud about how she carries herself. But (deep breath here) when she is put in a situation requiring her to go on the defensive, I become furious real deep down.


Just so that I am clear here, in leather and BDSM space there is a certain amount of understood etiquette we call protocol, actually there is a lot of protocol. The biggest piece of protocol is ask the Dominant first.

Want to hug a submissive, ask the Dominant first.

Want to play with a submissive, ask the Dominant first.

Want to e mail the submissive to go to lunch, ask the dominant first.

Sense a pattern here?


Some of these scenarios are easy to tag and when crossed are less offensive to me. For instance, the Domme who is inappropriate with my slave on the internet is easy enough for her to block. The Domme who asks her to play is easy enough to send my way to be told "no" in person.

Those are the no brainers.

Then there is the grey area.

At a play party about a month ago I was off talking with people, when a Dominant approached my slave and touched her hand in an attempt, shall we say, to illicit a sensual response. (See how nice I am being here?)

My slave handled herself amazingly as she shouted, “EEEEWWW!” and ran off, she also ended up putting a stop to him following her by putting her foot down without question. There were no further occurrences. On one hand, she handled herself and the situation beautifully with just enough “stop it” power to force the Domme to back off without making a scene, on the other hand I was mad as hell. I still am.

Fast forward during the same party, when a different Dominant, who my slave happened to be sitting near, was smacking himself with a paddle. He turned to my slave and said, ‘Here, let me…” implying he was going to give a her a whack. Again, she put her foot down, stopped him in his tracks, and there were no further occurrences. On one hand, she handled herself and the situation tactfully and with grace and power. On the other hand, I am mad as hell.

she is a capable, strong, powerful woman able to handle herself , and I work hard to control the fury I feel. And some dominants might look at this and say, “Well of course I would step in right then, in the moment.” But for me, there is another piece to this puzzle. My slave needs to be able to be out by herself and it needs to be known that she is no one to be trifled with. I don’t want people thinking that it’s ok to mess with her because I am not around. So it is very important for her to be taken seriously to be shown respect.

Also because I tend to be overprotective, and I generally am not very – umm—diplomatic—in those situations, I do tend to go overboard.

I know that I have calmed down enough, that enough time has passed, to deal with both the Dominants in a way that leaves no questions. But damn, I hate these situations. Hate that we are both put into them by others.

Sometimes I feel that this wouldn’t happen if I was a man, or my slave was white, or if I was respected more, or feared more.

What I have to remember is that when other Dommes overstep their bounds with my slave, it really has nothing to do with me, or her, for that matter.

It has everything to do with the concept of entitlement I discussed two weeks ago right here in this very blog. This brand of entitlement, some call it ‘Domme’s Disease,” is where a person thinks that because they are dominant identified they can act however they want. Forgetting that being a dominant comes with just as many responsibilities as it does perks. Dommes who intentionally ignore boundaries or think that they have have the right to touch or act however they want are a pain in all our arses!

I know that I am not the only Master that has to deal with this, I am just so very proud that my slave knows herself and her boundaries so well, that she makes it easier on me when these things happen.

Uggg. I hate these situations.

If you are looking for power munches, safe play parties or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of

AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are looking for an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

Group name:

New Mexico fetlifers

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