Friday, October 14, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: Candor

Just recently I was having two very interesting conversations with people from some very different backgrounds. One was a pro domme who had undergone a severe backlash from the community that they had tried to enter. The other was an owner of a human pony stable. As I spoke with them I became very excited about both of their life experiences. I asked both of them many questions about their specialties, the risks in their type of play, and so on. After some time, fascinated by their candor I asked each of them if I could interview them for this blog. Just as with all interviews, I would write the piece then submit it to them for final say before I posted it.

And I got crickets.

Lovely lovely crickets.

So I got to thinking about how rare being open is, and how some people feel that if their share their wealth of lifetime earned knowledge that somehow they won’t be mysterious or powerful anymore. Like their magic will be gone if they talk about the reality that it took effort and trial and error to achieve who they have become.

I am not saying that that is why these two people did not want to share their experiences, but I an saying that I run into this a lot.

It is a shame really that most of the time a group of Masters or dominants are too competitive with each other to be honest about what really goes on in their relationships.

About three years ago my slave and I were invited to meet another couple for coffee. At the time they were Master and slave identified. The one that was Master identified began to ask me questions, and I didn’t understand why.

I just keep thinking -- why does this person care what I think? So I was much cagier then I needed to be.

I regret that.

I take that experience with me and since then, when I run into the same situation I try to push myself to answer completely and honestly. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I do feel defensive or protective, but it isn’t because I am trying to hide something. To be honest it took years of self exploration and questioning to understand my own self, and many times I didn’t really know what to say to people. It wasn’t that I was trying to make myself out to be more then who I was, or am, it has more to do the fact that some answers about who I am, why I require what I do, and and how I it do are new to even me.

It is all to often that I run into Masters or dominants that talk one way, but whose reality is quite another. Stories that I have personally experienced have been the Master that was adamant that the only knives they would use during play were freshly sharpened blades, only to find out that according to their slave, this Master would use blindfolds and plastic knives.

Then there was the Master that talked about how complete 24/7 surrender is the basis of this persons M/s relationship, only to find out that the Master and their slave don’t live in the same state and only saw each other once every few weeks for a few days.

No to mention the Master that was adamant that the only way an M/s relationship was valid was if the slave gave up all parts of themselves, and financially supported the household, only to find out that the Masters longest relationship with any slave was less then 3 months, and that for the other 12 years they have been mostly single.

Slaves are no different in their need to create a mirage of perfection. Some slaves that I have actually ran into have been-- the slave that talks about their complete slavery and service only to find out that they have run their previous Master into the ground because they are so disobedient and are working on the one that they are with. Then there was the slave that talked about how their Master can do no wrong, and about how every single thing that their Master did brought their slave heart to ecstasy, only to find out that the slave had been cheating on their Master, with the Masters best friend. Finally there is the slave that brags about never stopping a scene, but in actuality is afraid of and resents the Masters lack of skill.

Why do we do this to ourselves, and why do we do this to each other?

No relationship is perfect, and the more that we hide who we are, what really works and what really doesn’t, the less we can learn from each other. So drop the face, and start talking about what we are doing in real time. With real lessons behind it.

You might be surprised that even you – that has been hiding behind that veil of perfection, learns something about how to make things better.

If you are looking for play parties, hands on workshops, or power munches in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are looking for an active online community please find:

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers


Shana said...

One of the many things I've always loved and watching you two together is your absolute devotion to each other even in the face of a gas problem or dirty socks. Not that either of you farts or dirties up socks or is ever less than perfect or anything. Nooooooo. But reality matters to you, and that's as refreshing as it is rare around here. Love. You. Guys.

sandiasunrise said...

Wearing the right outfit to the right play party doesn't make you more "real" than others

Thanks for pointing out the fakery on both sides...

Master Bear said...

thank you both for your words!! I really appreciate your feedback!!