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Friday, November 11, 2011
Leather Bear Tails: The vacuum of problems
Masters may not vacuum, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems
There is a lot of social pressure to be perfect. Not just having the right look, the right degree, or the right job, but also the right partner, the right dynamic, and the right amount of public recognition. These types of pressures occur no matter what the social group. In lesbian circles, there is generally a tendency towards social and economic class-ism with an emphasis on gender expression appropriate partners. If you as a couple don’t fit in that social group there will be no question in your mind that it is time to move on. If you meet one of the requirements but not the other, then you may be accepted, but not all the way, and probably because someone else in the group wants to fuck you. … Ahhh... Social circles.
BDSM and leather are not free from these concepts of perfection. In some ways we tend to put each other under a weird microscope. I think that some of it is the normal social ideas of “where does someone fit in with who is around them” and “where am I in my leather and BDSM journey and were “should” I be”, and I think that some of it is based in the good old fashioned need to feel better about ourselves.
What this does though, is create a strange veil of secrecy, for Masters in particularly.
To be taken seriously as a Master that has control of their slave, a Master may sometimes feel that they can’t really discuss the things that happen in their household. Being open about difficulties that they are having with obedience, compliance, and the training of the slave may make the Master feel like they would be viewed as incompetent or unskilled or maybe not a Master at all.
I am not saying go and talk to that weird looking lady at the bus about your household problems, or talk to anyone who will listen at the local munch that you just met, what I am saying is that problems are something that are universal, and they don’t well in a vacuum.
When I have learned about the problems that other Masters have had in their relationships I find that I relax a little. It helps me to relate to them better, and I feel that the problems that I have had and will continue to have in my leather journey aren’t just mine.
Some of the things that I have learned about other couples that have really helped me have been:
Three high powered couples whose slaves have threatened to and almost walked
One couple who the slave could not be in the house doing housework, even though it is what the Master required
One couple where the Master gave the slave over to another Master to train because everything that they tried had failed
And one couple where the slave was cheating on the Master with another Master, then when caught refused to stop seeing that other Master.
Perhaps it is because problems are the great equalizer that makes them difficult to discuss in real time. The Master and slave dynamic in many ways is viewed as very simple and one sided. Master says, slave does, life goes on. But the reality is that all consensual relationships come with problems, even Master and slave ones.
Imagine what we could learn from each other if we could drop the facade and actually look at the realities that come with complex and there dimensional relationships.
Being in a Master and slave relationship makes my life full and powerful, but that does not mean that we don’t argue, that she doesn’t have her own ideas, and that I don’t have my own problems with obedience and training. It doesn’t meant that I am less of a Master or that she is less of a slave, it does mean however, that as real people we deal with real issues that our titles don’t solve.
Just to put it out there if anyone has the magic recipe for making dusting happen and stay happening, I am all ears….
If you are interested in power munches, play parties, of hand on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:
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New Mexico Fetlifers