Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Anal Sex Can Change Your Life...

Matie and I taught the Backdoor Lovers: Intro to Anal Sex class last night. It was so fun. I think it's the beginning of the Prostate Pleasure Revolution :) Yay!

Seriously, it felt good to debunk taboos, empower men and women to explore new territory, and prevent more rampant bad sex. Our society is pretty anal-retentive, and that just needs to change. How many times a day do you squeeze and release your sphincter muscles- as exercise, not just taking care of business? When's the last time you had a rosebud massage?

Well here are some ideas to increase anal pleasure in your world:

There are plenty of enjoyable ways to explore anal sex play. Hands, lubricants, massage oils and toys can all be great ASSets. Follow our top anal sex tips and check out ideas for the best anal sex toys. Anal Sex Tips
  • Don’t rush anal sex ever. Wait until your ass is ready, even if you're really, really excited!
  • Communication is key! Verbal and non-verbal communication is truly important, not just so it feels good, but so that no one gets physically hurt and stays safe. Communicating your needs = safe sex!
  • Lubrication is something you must provide. Unlike during vaginal sex, your ass does not provide comfy lubrication. And you certainly need lubrication even more during anal play. The tissue around and in the anus is thin and sensitive. That means if you feel good, happy sensations they are wonderful, but if you feel sensitive to pain it is easy to get hurt. Lubrication prevents tiny cuts and tears from happening, which feels better and reduces the chance for sexually transmitted infections.
  • Relaxation is so important. If your anus is tightly, tensely closed for business, nothing and no one is getting in there. We often hold lots of stress right there in our asses. Take a deep breath and relax (then repeat). Deep breathing, taking it slow and relaxing your sphincter muscles will do wonders for your sex life and your anxiety!
  • Massage is a great way to start. Just a lovely, little rosebud massage on the anus will feel fantabulous for most people. Use a condom-safe lubricant or your mouth! Dental Dams are recommended for safer sex! Try massaging his perineum, too. Pressure up behind the balls will stimulate his prostate gland (P Spot) internally.
  • Anal sex does not have to involve a penis going inside an ass. Remember it's way more comfortable and easy for beginners to enjoy fingers, anal sex toys, massage or butt plugs first. Make sure when you talk about anal sex, all parties involved know whether you plan to enjoy toys, a penis, a finger or whatever.
  • For many people, insertion is a BIG deal. Wait until the ass invites you in! Do not push into the anus, but allow your partner to fall onto your finger, cock or toy. Go slow and the reward is great!
  • Safer sex is more fun and guilt-free for everyone! Prevent spreading bacteria with gloves or finger cots. Go down with less risk of Hepatitis with dental dams. Use condoms on guy parts and dildos before inserting anywhere else. And remember, lubricant helps your latex supplies feel super silky and smooth.
  • Good anal sex positions include: doggy style, any position when receptive partner is on his or her back = more relaxed muscles
  • Great toys include: For a slim and long dildo that's strap-on friendly, The Mistress Vibe Kit; For a big Prostate stimulating curve; For graduated bumps, the Pro Touch or Pi; Beginner Butt Plugs, The Buddy or Ace Plug
  • Make sure any anal sex toy you use has a flared base! If you stick little, mini sex toys into someone's ass you risk not getting it back! We hear stories all the time (unfortunately) about people going to the emergency room for a sex toy retrieval. Good anal sex toys have something to hold onto or a flared base that won't get sucked into a happy tush.
  • Avoid numbing creams and harmful de-sensitizing gels. When you cut off your body's ability to tell you something is wrong, you put yourself at risk for harm or injury. Plus you miss out on all the good sensations!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wedding Season is Upon Us...

In this day and age it seems people have all sorts of Opinions about weddings.

Weddings are so exciting. Invite people you never see who invited you to their son's wedding. Gay folks should be able to marry. Destination weddings cost too much. Bachelorette parties cost too much. There are lots of rules. Can I wear black? How does one ethically buy a diamond? Is it still cool to register? Will people know we're getting married for the booty? How naughty a gift can I buy them?

I jest. But seriously... I am attending a high school friend's wedding this weekend, and I am so excited. When I break it down, it's simply a huge, happy party celebrating two people finding each other and falling in love. I truly believe that is still the bottom line. Or at least it should be.

Yes, it sucks to spend lots of money on travel or gifts, but can't we all just take a minute and be happy for the lucky couple? At Self Serve every day, we hear about people looking for love. So many fascinating, brilliant, cute, sexy people walking around hoping perhaps they could find a new crush, fall in love again or for the first time, or recover from a first (trial?) marriage. So when two people (or more...) create a home together, make each other smile or even help each other orgasm - I think we should celebrate it.

I see more and more women and men rejecting the bridal industrial complex, and creating unique, personalized celebrations that represent their relationship or values. All the Opinions and Politics aside- let's define our own rules.

Yes, LGBT folks should be allowed to marry if we want. Heck, I love the couples that are now "power-wedders." They travel around the country getting same-sex marriages in every bloomin' state that begins to de-criminalize it. If you roll your eyes at virgin white dresses- wear black! If you roll your eyes at dresses- wear the pants. If you don't want to support blood diamonds, then skip the damn stone! If you feel entitled to get an entire coordinated kitchen and bath from Macy's or Target from your friends, just register already. (But I personally recommend registering for items at local, independent businesses.)

And seriously, it shouldn't be so scandalous to give sex toys or romantic gifts to a couple that's engaged to be married for the rest of their lives. If you are scared to "go there" I challenge you to just go for it. If a couple of people are gonna be together for the Rest of Their Lives, shouldn't they start stocking up on ways to keep the flame going? I mean if we can't grant pleasure to even married couples, what is this world coming to?

Friday, June 5, 2009

Femme Identity and Passing...

Around LGBT Pride time every year, amidst Self Serve pride planning, building a float and attending lots of fun events, I find a time to reflect on my own identity as a queer femme who passes most of the time.

I have a transgender FTM partner who passes as male, and I'm feminine looking and people assume we're straight. I had an interesting conversation with a friend about passing. If you are not "out" to those around you, is it dishonest? Is it your responsibility to come out, educate or explain yourself to those you meet? I think most people vary day to day on this question.

We were talking about how "out" you are in your identity- whether you have a chronic illness, you're gay, you're transgender, you're a breast cancer survivor, you're HIV positive or any number of identities. There are lots of parts of yourself you can hide, and some you can't. Many a person with a visible disability knows the responsibility and, often, fatigue of coming out.

On one hand, my partner and I enjoy privilege by passing for straight, avoiding questions. On the other hand, I don't want to pass most of the time, and I want people to know I'm queer and proud. My ability to pass is often an open door. It's an opportunity to have someone assume they can relate to me as hetero, only to have their perception flipped on its head thereafter. That's a plus. Having a trans partner means often either having no questions asked of us (when we pass) or complete bombardment of every personal and inappropriate question you can think of (when we come out).

As a sexuality educator, I want to educate, share, and relate most of the time. I want my experience to be one others can learn from. On the other hand, I know the feeling of just wanting it to be easy.

I still look forward to the time when we are surrounded by accepting, loving people who know us. Where people don't require explanations of gender and transition and surgeries and genitalia. In LGBT communities and many other accepting diverse communities, we find those safe spaces where we don't have to work at it all the time. Where we can just be. In this moment in my life, I appreciate coming out, sharing those 'ah-ha' moments with a stranger who's never met a queer dyke or never heard of an FTM. But I admittedly love and need those moments where we can just love each other, be respected by others, and not have to explain ourselves.

Comfort and respect. It seems it takes just a little discomfort of some closed-minded individuals to get there. Well Happy Pride. xo -Molly

So for those that read this and of course have questions :) some resources: