Thursday, August 26, 2010

How do you get the sex or relationship you want?

You talk about it. Helping people speak up about their relationship needs is one of the number one topics at Self Serve.

It's pretty amazing when you think about it: sometimes all you need to do is tell someone. But that is no simple task. There is so much shame, guilt, fear, and confusion wrapped up in our deepest sexual needs and fantasies. So many of us have fantasies and needs that are kept secret for years and years. We worry our partner will think we're crazy. He'll leave me. She'll mock me. He never would think of doing [xyz].

You'd be surprised.

Your partner, if they respect and truly care about you, wants to know the real you. They want to sincerely help you feel good. They want to support you living the life you want. And that includes what may seem like minor sexual curiosities or new fantasies. Whether you're curious about a role play involving a cop and robber arrest or just haven't used a vibrator before - it's okay. You are not the only one, and there's no shame in wanting to be more creative, play dress up or play with new toys. As long as your activities are safe, sane and consensual - it's okay.

You're never going to get the sex you want if you can't share with someone what that is. For those of us that are not living a leather lifestyle or active in a BDSM community, serious negotiation around sexual activities is not commonplace. But everyone can learn a lot from years of community activism and standards for creating fantasies in reality.

It takes some work to shift from the-same-sex-you've-been-having-for-years to something new. But that work can be fun and the communication you do to get there will enhance the trust and intimacy of that relationship.

Jay Wiseman, who wrote SM 101, will be teaching Negotiation as Foreplay at our shop September 21st. I am so excited to host this workshop. Many people, whether single, monogamous, poly, married and/or dating, are constantly asking us how to incorporate a new sex activity or keep it hot after years in a relationship or maybe after two weeks. This class is exactly what many of us need- a fun way to communicate about those new fantasies. I love that Jay calls himself a "negotiation fetishist." It may be nerdy, but getting to know the fantasies, boundaries and secrets of a play partner or lover are key to enjoying each other fully.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Who do you have sex with?

Who do you have sex with?

Many of us choose one person at a time to mate with. Some of us will jump on anything that holds still long enough. I fall somewhere in between. Not being an advocate of cheating, I try to be completely open and honest with my sexual partners and not expose them to physical or emotional danger as a result of their relationship with me. I am fortunate to have been with many deliciously skilled, interesting men and women in my life, but the one I’ve chose to be my mate… my life partner… my husband, tops the list in every way. I fully realize how lucky I am.

Hub (that will be his pseudonym here, I think) loves me, takes care of me, makes me feel safe. He also is nicely hung, has a great ass, can lick his eyebrows and makes me cum three times a night. And he lets me date other people. Now if I were to fall in love with someone else, that would hurt his feelings. But chatting online, exchanging naughty emails, and even physical encounters are fine with him as long as they make me happy and horny. After all, who reaps the benefits of that? He does, and in a big way. Since we’ve opened our relationship in this way, I’ve been fascinated by the people who have pursued me (and it is the pursuit that excites me most). There are plenty of people who just want to email me a picture of their genitals then have me talk dirty while they masturbate. Most of the time, this bores me. 

There are some who immediately want to meet me in person and will settle for nothing else. They make me nervous. Personally, I like a little long distance foreplay before I feel safe enough to get in a room with someone.  I guess I want there to be some kind of relationship, even if it is an online one that we both know might be based on lies. After all, you can be whoever you want to be on the internet and it is who people choose to be that interests me most. If you could re-invent yourself entirely, what pictures would you display? What name would you choose? How much of your real self would you allow to come through?

Personally, I can’t seem to help being mostly myself, even in an online relationship. As a woman living in a world fraught with peril, I try to be careful not to give out identifying information until I feel I know someone well. But even when carrying on a casual conversation or sexual encounter via chat, if I’m not myself while it’s happening I have trouble feeling anything and for me, sex without emotion,  isn’t sex worth having.

What about you? Who do you share yourself with?

Friday, August 20, 2010

So...what do you do...?

"So...what do you do?"
"I'm a fetish photographer."

Oh we have all had it happen at some point or another. We are at a bar, a cocktail party, an art gallery opening or some other gathering of new people who are just dying to find out what everyone else does. But after I am asked this question, things get rather interesting for me. There are those who have no idea of how to react and simply nod and walk away. There are also those who give a disapproving look and walk away. I have also encountered those people who give a knowing look and then who may or may not engage me in further conversation about the issue. Or a combination of the above. But I would have to say that for the most part, the career of a fetish photographer is a misunderstood one by many.

My name if Fenton Ayres and I am a fetish photographer here in Albuquerque. I guess if you wanted to get even more picky about it, I'm an artist, whose medium is photography and who happens to enjoy capturing subjects of an erotic and/or fetish nature. I have been a member of the fetish/kink community for over 30 years now and I have been active in the fetish and BDSM community in Albuquerque for quite some time now...for over 20 years. I feel that the fetish and BDSM communities are both grossly misunderstood by mainstream culture in a variety of ways and I hope to address a great deal of those misconceptions here. I use my photography as a means to both open a glimpse into this world and to also challenge people's perceptions as well.

I am honored to be blogging for Self Serve and I look forward to sharing with you more in the  future.

Until next time,

Be Well!

Fenton Ayres
Desert Penguin Photos
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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Feeling Virtually Connected, Yet Alone

Just pondering the brilliant juxtaposition of how the internet and modern technology can help me feel totally connected to people all over the world, yet at the same time I can be sitting quietly at a computer, totally alone. It's an odd reality.

The world can feel so small, yet far away. Connections are like soul food. I think of the new word I learned, guanxi. There are all kinds of relationships. The internet, facebook and instant media can connect us. But human contact is irreplaceable.

As a sex educator, I feel closer to people doing work like me. When the powers-that-be say no or sex information is hushed, we have a broader, worldwide support network.

It seems the organizing potential of our techie tools are leading to seemingly spontaneous, highly developed flash mobs and protests. How could organizers plan such events so subtly before?

Distant lovers can enjoy flirting and chemistry over a phone, video chat or email connection. More and more folks are finding the love of their life through dating websites.

I guess I like when such tools lead to live connections. Life.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Pleasure is All About the Senses

We are so lucky as humans. There is potential for pleasure in every sense we possess.

I smell pine trees all around me as I walk on a forest floor of needles, and I'm taken back to days at summer camp walking through the grove. I taste black sea salt sprinkled popcorn ice cream and there's a combination of salty-sweet perfection on my palate. I see the ruby, orange sunset in a clear New Mexico sky and my chest fills with happy calm. I lock eyes with my love and my surroundings fall away. And yes, that Ani D. song makes me smile and I'm suddenly ten years back, driving from DC spontaneously to a concert in Maryland with my best friend.

I recall principles of Buddhism and of mindfulness. It seems a lifelong lesson to simply remember to pay attention. When we do go exploring with our eyes, ears, nose and mouth we can find such pleasure, such adventure, such joyous sensuality.

Every day we will no doubt hear, see, touch and taste life that doesn't alarm or excite us. We turn on the radio and tune it out, watch the news, lightly hug a friend or eat mediocre lunch. If only a little more often we could use each sensual opportunity to feel good. Each bite, look, listen or touch could instead be an opportunity for love.

I seek to be mindful and recognize my choice in the experience. I will look up at the sky instead of the sidewalk. I will look at art instead of the TV. I will turn on music that makes me smile. I will eat delectable, fresh foods instead of lazy, frozen crap. When I kiss my love, I will be present and enjoy the precious moment.

I talk to people at Self Serve about enhancing intimacy or sex with a partner. When we are mindful of each touch, kiss, look or sound our senses can give us a deeper feeling of pleasure. We already have the capability to take our intimacy further. So often it just requires being fully present.

While the concept of mindfulness or being present sounds simple, I acknowledge again that it's a lifelong challenge. It's okay if your brain floats away while you're
in bed with your partner, after a stressful day at work. As with meditation practices, just let the distraction pass and come back to the present. Repeat.

Full disclosure: I am grateful for just enjoying yet another orgasmic meal at Jennifer James 101 in Albuquerque. My partner, friends and strangers have observed that I am a "good eater." It's evenings like this that I love my five senses. We enjoyed the shrimp coctel, Marble beer-braised chicken, tuna nicoise, Texas chocolate sheet cake a la mode and popcorn ice cream with sea salt.

5 Reasons for a Prostate Massage | Prostate Cancer: By the Numbers | Prostate Cancer

5 Reasons for a Prostate Massage | Prostate Cancer: By the Numbers | Prostate Cancer

I love that the human body can heal itself and find pleasure at the same time. Two more reasons for men to explore prostate massage: preventing prostate cancer and relieving impotence.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Hello Sex-Positive Friends!

Hello, Self Serve(d) Blog readers! My name is Sera Miles, and I’ve been kindly asked by Molly and Matie of Self Serve to contribute to this blog. It is a pleasure and honor to introduce myself to you today.

I have been a kinkster for as long as I can remember, long before I knew words to help me self-define. I exited the kink closet in 2001 when I entered the sex industry, initially as a spanking video actress. I performed both dominant and submissive roles for Kelly Payne and Strict Women, and eventually for Pacific Force. I also apprenticed with Mistress Vendela Zane, who taught me a great deal about listening, paying attention, and the joys and rewards of professional fetish sex work.

I moved to New Mexico in 2002 and quickly went to work for PEP, People Exchanging Power, fetish phone lines. I now work closely with PEP and its founder, Nancy Ava Miller, on a variety of projects, and I do take the occasional phone call.

I believe strongly in sex workers’ rights. I have contributed to $pread Magazine, and I moderate a group called “Past & Present Sex Workers.” My favorite tank top is from SWOP (Sex Workers Outreach Project); pretty script across the bosom reads, “Decriminalize Prostitution.”

Also, on FetLife, I moderate the “New Mexico FetLifers” group. Members discuss upcoming kinky events, and we meet in person, once a month or more, to learn, share, eat, laugh, play, and whatever else we think of. I’ll be posting up-to-date information about our events here.

I’m pretty good at bringing people together and at planning events, but I’m not much of a planner. On this blog, then, it’s hard to say what I plan to write about. I’m sure I’ll post on spanking, kinky events, and sex work. But what else? I’d love to know what you would like to read about …

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Bedtime Stories


Does the world really need more erotica online?! I have no idea, but you’re here reading mine so apparently there’s something you’re interested in. What is it? Do you want to hear about my exploits in graphic detail so you’ll have something to masturbate to? Do you want to learn some new techniques or get ideas for scenarios to enact in your own life? Are you just interested in a purely clinical way in how people communicate in this new frontier of internet blogs? Maybe you know me…or think you do and are curious about my dirty, secret life. I'll tell you more about that in the future.
I make no claim to be a brilliant writer. There will, no doubt, be instances of poor grammar and incorrect punctuation. Don’t bother writing me to point them out – I won’t care. That’s not the point of my writing here. My stories here are just meant to get you thinking…imagining…learning.
Whatever your reason for visiting, I hope you’ll find something that peaks your interest. Let me know if there’s something you want to read about. Some of the stories here will be based on true events, and some of them will be fiction. Some of the “not true yet” stories will really be plans for a future occasion. Maybe one of those occasions will involve you.
Sheer Bliss

Tell me something…

What do you desire?

Do you want me to make love to you?
Maybe you would like to be led into a room glowing with candlelight and smelling of sandalwood. Feeling me kiss you gently on the mouth while slowly unbuttoning your shirt…unbuckling your belt…dropping your pants. Lain on a bed of silken sheets to be oiled and massaged while I coax you slowly to an erection then draw you onto me…and into me. Looking into your eyes while we move together rhythmically, slowly building to a powerful crescendo of togetherness.

Or do you want to be fucked?
Frantic hands pulling at your clothes, ripping them from your body, scratching you in the process. Hard kissing that bruises your mouth and takes your breath away while I push you onto the bed and straddle you. Your arms pinned while I suck and bite my way down your neck and chest until I find your cock and suck it hard into my mouth, demanding you get firm for me while I rub my wet pussy on your leg. When I can’t stand it anymore, I’ll squeeze your hips between my wet thighs and push you into me hard and fast, slamming against you until I feel you burst inside me, dripping out of me, panting beneath me.

Or do you want to be teased?
I would spend a day taunting you - flashing you in public and sneaking off to the lady’s room to masturbate so that you can kiss my hand afterwards and know exactly what I’ve been doing. Flirt with other men in front of you making sure you know that you are (probably) the one I’ll actually go home with. Once there I will slowly strip for you, maybe tie you to the bed and make you watch me touch myself while you get hard and impatient. Eventually you’ll feel my hands slowly flit across you just glancing touches on your balls and the dripping head of your cock. My tongue mischievously joining my fingers in a dance across your tender places, occasionally wrapping my fingers or lips around you and squeezing…stroking…until your breathing quickens and you are close to climax. Lather, rinse and repeat…and repeat…and repeat. But then I’ll stop…make you wait. Make you convince me that you deserve to cum while you shiver and pant with desperate anticipation. When I slide my hot pussy slowly onto you, I will pull off until only the tip of your cock penetrates me, quivering to get back in. Eventually I may let you cum in me, the long delay making you feel dizzy and breathless, the orgasm rendering you speechless…thoughtless…

Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Sexy Resources

I am so proud of our resource links at Self Serve. We can't help but share all the amazing sex and relationship resources online. So don't let them go to waste. Learn something new. Garner trivia to impress your friends. Find community for all sorts of folks.

The newest links on our site are for two super-popular topics: fertility & open relationships.