Thursday, August 26, 2010

How do you get the sex or relationship you want?

You talk about it. Helping people speak up about their relationship needs is one of the number one topics at Self Serve.

It's pretty amazing when you think about it: sometimes all you need to do is tell someone. But that is no simple task. There is so much shame, guilt, fear, and confusion wrapped up in our deepest sexual needs and fantasies. So many of us have fantasies and needs that are kept secret for years and years. We worry our partner will think we're crazy. He'll leave me. She'll mock me. He never would think of doing [xyz].

You'd be surprised.

Your partner, if they respect and truly care about you, wants to know the real you. They want to sincerely help you feel good. They want to support you living the life you want. And that includes what may seem like minor sexual curiosities or new fantasies. Whether you're curious about a role play involving a cop and robber arrest or just haven't used a vibrator before - it's okay. You are not the only one, and there's no shame in wanting to be more creative, play dress up or play with new toys. As long as your activities are safe, sane and consensual - it's okay.

You're never going to get the sex you want if you can't share with someone what that is. For those of us that are not living a leather lifestyle or active in a BDSM community, serious negotiation around sexual activities is not commonplace. But everyone can learn a lot from years of community activism and standards for creating fantasies in reality.

It takes some work to shift from the-same-sex-you've-been-having-for-years to something new. But that work can be fun and the communication you do to get there will enhance the trust and intimacy of that relationship.

Jay Wiseman, who wrote SM 101, will be teaching Negotiation as Foreplay at our shop September 21st. I am so excited to host this workshop. Many people, whether single, monogamous, poly, married and/or dating, are constantly asking us how to incorporate a new sex activity or keep it hot after years in a relationship or maybe after two weeks. This class is exactly what many of us need- a fun way to communicate about those new fantasies. I love that Jay calls himself a "negotiation fetishist." It may be nerdy, but getting to know the fantasies, boundaries and secrets of a play partner or lover are key to enjoying each other fully.

1 comment:

Kerewin West said...

Hooray for negotiation & communication! Books like Wiseman's "SM 101," Dr. Sprinkle's "Spectacular Sex" & "Fantasex" by Rolf Milonas all have wonderful tools, games, guides and even charts to support and guide you in communicating desires w/ a partner and sometimes even just helping you admit them to yourself. I love the term "negotiation fetishist." Now that's a fetish that no one could object to!