Friday, September 30, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: The eroticization of Breaking

So as my brain is fried, and I mean totally toast. So I am going to post an excerpt of my AEL presentation that I did last Monday. The part is called the eroticization of breaking, and it is about the concept of breaking the slaves will within the leather, BDSM, fetish, and kink community. Enjoy!!

Queue light and movie:

The Master (of whatever gender) is standing in the dungeon. At the Masters feet a crumpled mess of a slave (of whatever gender). The slave s heaves and trembles and gives. As the Master looks up across the dungeon the Master sees the one. The slave that the Master has been looking for. The Master steps over the sweaty lump on the floor and strides over to the slave in their eye sight. The Master grabs the slave roughly; the master beats, torments, fucks, and dominates the slave. While the slave takes it all giving every inch of themselves. And in the end the Maser knows that this one was the one worthy of the Master’s hands. The Master’s dominance, the Master’s collar. And so the slave is whisked away to become the Masters one and only. Having earned the Master’s love and eternal devotion though suffering.

End Movie.

In reality there are three parts to the process of breaking the will, and they are the intent, process, and outcome.

Masters generally tend to eroticize the intent and the process. They fantasize about the intent in terms of being able to punish and dominate without limitations. They carry out these fantasies in real time during the process and then are either unprepared or uninterested in the outcome.

For these Masters the broken slave holds no challenge or sexual excitement. So once the outcome is achieved they have a tendency to move on to their next challenge.

The slave tends to eroticize the outcome, the thought that if they allow their will to be broken; if they give up the most intimate parts of themselves then they have earned the reward of the Masters love and care. The slave may not see themselves as the one destroyed laying on the floor, and passed over, instead they see themselves as the one the Master sees across the dungeon.

When it comes to the breaking of the will, here are some real time questions to ask about the realities of this act.

1) What does being broken mean? Does it mean that the person will not be able to make even basic decisions? Like dressing, bathing, or eating? Does it mean that the Master feels powerful no matter what the slave actually thinks or feels?

2) Can someone who has no will technically consent? To be able to consent you have to be of sound mind, and free from duress and or coercion. So what if the Master has an intent that they purposefully do not tell the slave, is what happens in the end still consent? If it is the Master’s intent to break the will of the slave to get access to the slaves bank account and then leave. Is it still consent? If it is the Master’s intent to break the will of the slave to force them away from their other relationships, is it still consent? If the Master breaks the will of that particular slave to get access to their children, is it still consent?

3) What is the Masters responsibility to someone they have broken, if and or when they leave the relationship? Are they responsible to help reestablish the sense of self? Give back the funds? Pay for therapy?

4) And finally what happens when it all goes wrong? Since breaking someone is all about the Master’s interpretation as to whether or not the slave is broken, what if the Master goes too far? What is the slave has a significant mental or emotional breakdown from the experience? What if the slave wasn’t exactly honest about their emotional state to begin with and this experience pushed them over the edge? Or the slave was honest in what they thought that they wanted and what they thought they could handle and the breakdown happens anyway?

What if after the whole process the slave is legitimately not ok and the experience pushes them to the point where they retaliate or become a danger to the Master or themselves? It is not out of the realm for unstable people pushed to the edge self harm, stalk, or threaten others.

What is the Master thought that they could do this, and in the end the Master is not ok?

I guess by now you can all tell what my personal opinion of breaking is. I pose these questions, not because I have answers but because I don’t have answers and they need to be asked.

I am not saying that a certain amount of breaking doesn’t happen throughout the lifetime of the relationship. What I am saying is that when the intent is to break someone the Master has to be prepared for the outcome, even if the outcome isn’t pretty.

If you are interested in play parties, hands on workshops or power munches in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Group Name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Friday, September 23, 2011

Hysteria and Technology in the Bedroom

You may laugh hysterically when you learn the history of the vibrator.  Rachel Maines was one of the first writers to bring the fascinating story of our favorite electrical device to the public with her book, The Technology of Orgasm.  We learned early electric vibrators were used in medical treatment for women with hysteria.  Women, of course, had vague, persistent symptoms of fatigue, depression or exhaustion.  Women were often diagnosed with hysteria, and physicians feared their wombs were lost and floating around their bodies.

What new-fangled device could help?  The Vibrator of course!

Doctors once had to relieve women of hysteria via "manual assistance," and the vibrator was a labor-saving device, indeed!  Women would experience paroxysms (now known as orgasms) after application of the machines, and voila- hysterical symptoms were relieved.

The Toronto Film Festival premiered the film Hysteria in early September, featuring Maggie Gyllanhaal.  This film is a realistic account of the doctor who invented the vibrator in the 1880s.

Maines' book, the film Hysteria and the documentary Passion and Power (a movie Self Serve hosted at the Guild in Albuquerque) all lead us to believe it was common for Victorian women to receive medical treatments for hysteria at the hands of midwives and doctors of the day. 

There is debate in the academic world (redundant sentence already?) about the accuracy of these accounts of vibrator use.  In a shame-filled, Victorian society, some historians argue vibrator treatments were not quite so common, and certainly not acceptable socially.

Of course we can speculate about cultural norms and attitudes during the early days of vibrator use, but the stories are entertaining nonetheless.  I love how such history proves how our attitudes about sexuality, sex toys and how orgasms work is all so relative to our time, place and context.  Our attitudes about technology have changed drastically, and in most areas of life technology is ubiquitous now.  But still in 2011, many intelligent adults still feel shame, embarrassment and confusion over their desire to use technology in the bedroom.

Many folks talk to us at Self Serve about how they shouldn't need lubricant or shouldn't need a vibrator.  There is so much guilt in our culture over using a motorized little gadget as a labor-saving device for getting off.  At the same time, do you mail your letters only via post to prove a point?  Are you not reading this here blog on a computer?

I hope as more stories of sex toy history emerge, and the discussion comes to light, that more adults will shed their guilt, pick up these modern labor-saving devices, and enjoy their benefits.  You won't regret it.

Read more about the film Hysteria...

Leather Bear Tails: Vacation brain and AEL Monday!!

I have been on vacation all week, and I have let my brain slowly melt out of my ear. It has been great doing couple stuff with my lovely salve. After the amazing visit with Vi Johnson, I slept for three days, then we went to White Sands, and the next day I rebuilt the barn doors. Then we sat on the couch together and watched movies for hours on end. Just a warning here though- DO NOT watch the TV show “The Haunting” for 9 hours straight. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP. For the most part though, it was just what I needed.

In between doing nothing all week, I am prepping to speak at AEL on Monday. To be honest I am very nervous about speaking. I think that it will go well, but what I will be speaking about means a lot to me. I will be covering the four pillars of training the slave, submissive, and bottom, the eroticization of breaking and will hopefully have time to cover mistakes we have all made.

I really view training as the basis of the Master slave relationship. How the Master communicates, trains, and rewards or not rewards, and how the slave emotionally responds to training, if they are able to follow through over the long term, and if they have relatively the same expectations regarding reward or the withholding of reward has everything to do with whether or not the relationship will be successful over the long term. So I am passionate about talking about this. There is the thought that the Master slave relationship is somehow above or beyond the rules of relationships or life because Master says then slave does. BUT- it doesn’t work that way, and we need to stop thinking that it does.

The part about the eroticization of breaking I am really excited about. This theory really came from my lovely slave. We were talking about the movie “The Secretary” with Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader. We were bouncing around ideas and she was saying that she had a gut reaction about the film in a negative way when in the beginning of the film the first secretary is leaving in tears holding the paper in her mouth. My slave talked about what her life must have been. She was the one tossed aside, and now alone will have to deal with what she allowed to happen in that office. She will have to somehow be ok with the idea that she gave everything and she was not enough. I remember when my slave said this I stopped what I was doing and looked at her, and from there we formalized this theory about the eroticization of breaking.

Lastly I will cover mistakes, I love talking about mistakes! It is so much fun! Those are the stories that a person really remembers. I have made my share that’s for sure. Like the time I sprang anal sex on my slave, umm, at the time, not so funny, but it has become a running joke- “just relax you’ll like it later…”

Or the time we were in a local vanilla group and we were out but this other couple wasn’t. And not thinking we were asked a leather question and I turned to the other couple and said you two would be able to answer that question better then we could. We totally outed them, without thinking, I was SO EMBARRASSED!

Then there was the time when we were very new, and my slave and I were asked to go to a party. We were the only player there so a few people asked to be flogged. In between floggings (all with the same flogger I might add—ugg!) I was so thirsty. So friend came over and offered me something to drink. I took a big long drink and then realized it was alcohol. But instead of stopping everything I just continued what I was doing!! WTF?!?!?

I was such a baby back then!!

So I hope that you will come and join me on Monday for AEL! It is going to be a great time!

If you are looking for power munches, hand on workshops, or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:
If you are looking for an active online community please find:
Group name:
New Mexico Fetlifers

Friday, September 16, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: A day with my Hero

My brain is still on fire from yesterday, honestly, it all seems like a dream. Ten years ago when my slave and I first started our journey we picked up a book called “To Love, To Obey, To Serve: Diary of an old guard slave” Written be J.M. Johnson. It was one of the few books if not the only book that had a woman of color who was lesbian and slave identified. Honestly though when I read it there was so much that I completely did not understand, that made me angry, and made me think here was this amazing woman of service who was completely undervalued. The book talked about how her primary partner would lease her out to others. Her partner would negotiate everything and Vi would go, sometimes for years at a time to serve this other person. Some of her stories included going to get her Owners car out of impound and when the person at the impound recognized the collar around her neck and offered to let her Owners car go and clear her Owners record for free if she played with him, she did it. There was another story about how she felt she wasn’t thin enough, or pretty enough, and her Owner would choose others over her. How she needed to be a super slave and used cocaine to get everything done, even though she was awake for an entire week straight, her Owner never noticed. I remember after I read it, thinking, maybe I am just missing something here. But where was the person that was supposed to be keeping her safe? To be watching over her? A part of me was so confused.

Over the years her book stayed with me. I would think about her journey often and remind myself about my duty to keep my salve safe and never forget to cherish my slave and love her body.

So fast forward to now, and here is the good part!!!!!

New Mexico Fetlifers puts on an amazing event each year called Evo Revo. There are workshops, play parties, and vendors. Earlier this year they announced that V. M. Johnson was going to be coming this year, with the leather library. I couldn’t wait, here was my chance to have her sign my book, and if I was lucky answer a question or two. I planned early, got the days off of work, and was like a little kid. Then it happened.

First the cars water pump went out, then the brakes went out, and then the plumber had to be called. Slowly over the months our ability to pay for the event dwindled to less and less as we struggled to get caught up. When it came down to the last paycheck before the event we were so behind that there was no way we could go. We were both so upset. So when we were dropping off the items that we had collected for the raffle table I had to tell the head of Evo Revo that there was no way we could go. She was surprised but understood. Then about half way through the conversation, she said that she had an idea. Why didn’t we come over and join them for lunch? V. M. Johnson or Vi for short was staying with them, and was going to be there on Thursday why didn’t we stop by? I was so excited that I could barely breathe! So excitedly we offered to cook lunch for Vi and her guests and be over by one. Neither my slave nor I could believe that this opportunity was being offered to us!

SO! Carefully we planned the menu (my slave is amazing cook, her food is orgasmic!) And when the day came we packed up the van, drove over, and sat in the car for 20 minutes or so just staring. What if she doesn’t like us, what if we sound stupid? What if she takes one look and thinks that we aren’t people who are really serious? It was nerve racking!

Then we figured we should either drive away or get out of the car before someone calls the cops.

So we got out and came in. My slave started preparing lunch. Get this on the menu- pineapple and jalapeno glazed chicken with mango sauce, corn casserole, and collard greens. I sat down and tried not to pee myself. Vi was in the back working, and after a time came out. She came right over and hugged me! ME!! The she went right over and hugged my slave!! We all ate with her boi R, and at one point Vi said she was going to marry eve for her collard greens!!


We spent the next 6 and a half hours asking and asking questions. And she fielded them all. She explained so much for me. So this is paraphrasing because at this point I had been up for 24 hours as I worked the night before. But she explained to me that she would never serve who she didn’t love. Not necessarily be in love with, but love. She explained about the car impound story, I said, I didn’t understand and that I would never allow my slave to go to a n impound with 500$ by herself there was no way she would be safe. Vi explained that that was a different era, a different time, and that at that time people didn’t lock their doors, didn’t even think about it, and how it wasn’t an issue about her safety. She went on to say that part of this was her desire to be a super slave, and that she agreed to play because it was a lot of money at the time, and she really believed it was the best thing for her Owner. She added that it was not a smart thing to do. My slave asked about her body image, and Vi explained that part of that was her own demons, part of that was real, and part was politics of the time. I tentatively asked about her drug use, and her candor amazed me. She explained that she wanted to be super slave that her cocaine use was not to get high, it was to put a 28 hour day in 24 hours. And when her primary partner found out, she was less than happy.

Without a beat Vi answered every question, every inquiry. At one point I left the room to leave her and my slave alone, and just watched from the other room. Just being there was magic. Vi’s boi R was also an amazing character. I truly enjoyed R’s company, and heart.

This was a day I will forever hold in my heart.

My salve danced for Vi, we had gifts for Vi and R, I got to bring Vi water and laugh with her. I still can barely believe that we got to sit next to and touch this truly amazing woman. We talked about everything and her answers surprised and amazed me.

I will forever be grateful for this time to sit with my hero and soak in her words.

My Hero.

If you are interested in play parties, hands on workshops, or power munches kin the Albuquerque are please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in a very active online community please find:

Group Name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Black is Still the New Black and Fat is still Fat...

Addressing the Top 2 Myths about Body Issues Within the 21st Century African American Community

I have never been shy about expressing my hatred for the saying ”_____is the new black” by people trying to get attention to their activist cause. A good example can be found the phrase, "Gay is the new Black!". It’s patronizing in the assumption that blacks have “arrived” and there’s no more struggle or oppression left to talk about or deal with. It’s because of similar reasons that I have officially hit my saturation point with hearing about how “things are so much better for fat women within the African American community because they have an appreciation for bigger bodies”. Feh. This blanket statement is usually followed by testimonials from happy caucasian women about how they have found the promised land among blacks in finally achieving the sensual and sexual validation that they were looking for. BBW Bashes seem to be a veritable cornucopia of handsome men of color seeking out luscious bodied partners’ which for many of these ladies seems to verify everything that they have heard when it comes to how advanced the African American community is in issues of body acceptance.

The reality of body image within the African American community is a lot more complex than most of the general public is aware of or in most cases is even comfortable addressing. So for your viewing pleasure my fatty loving chickies, I’m addressing two of the top myths and issues concerning BBW Love within the community.

1. BBW Bash Fever! - This is a common one that I run into. I hear a number of women come with glowing bash reports about how they are treated like queens by black men and how an increasing number of white men feel the need to constantly vie for the affections of these lovely ladies. The feeling that you are wanted and desired by many is something that many beautiful fatties are still lacking. The well meaning assumption by these ladies is that this cathartic and joyful experience is shared by all the women present. It’s not.

What many of these lovely ladies fail to realize is that the common factor for all of these beautiful stories is that all of the women involved are caucasian or fair skinned Latina. For many dark-skinned African American women there are no battle royales at the bashes for their favors’. Quite conversely, having so many women of other races talk about how they are being fought over while they themselves are left on the sidelines can frequently increase feelings of alienation and the sense that they aren’t desirable. In other words, a mahogany princess comes to feel like white knights and black knights only rescue white damsels.

2. The African American Community LOVES its Fat Women! - - As the middle class values of mainstream America have infiltrated into a wider segment of the African American population, the days where curves’ where widely and openly embraced are quickly going the way of the dodo. Self hatred is a multi-billion dollar industry and once companies realized that there was “gold in them thar black hills”, the pressure to fit into the beauty ideal of thin, white, and straight haired was increased exponentially. Let’s look at the evolution of the Mammy figure for what it really is shall we. In a number of Yoruba and Igbo cultures that were bought over and enslaved, the previous beauty standard did include dark skinned women who were considered beautiful because they were fat, wide hipped, and shiny faced. Many of my generation and older can definitely remember the beautification ritual of being “polished”with Vaseline or lotion by our parents' until our skin glowed and shone like a jewel. Once bought over to the Americas' as slaves however, this beauty preference came under severe ridicule and what was once a signifier of beauty became an object of derision. The goddess of beauty was transformed by the slave owning culture into a safe asexual clown figure. Not surprisingly, the features possessed by the Mammy (dark skin, wide hips, large breasts, and big lips) came to be viewed with embarrassment within the African American community.

Sadly, not much has changed and embarrassment that many African Americans feel when they see a fat and dark skinned woman on television is still being felt. You’ll hear comments that center around the need for more positive (read thinner and lighter) representations of black women in the media. People aren’t angry at Gabrielle Sidibe for starring in a film centering around the stereotypical tragic black woman, they’re angry at her for representing a segment of their female population that they still feel great shame about. In other words, it’s not the roles she’s playing; it’s the rolls on her body that makes a sadly large number of African Americans ashamed. Yemaya for many isn’t a goddess to be revered with all of her wide hipped and dark skinned matronly sex appeal; she’s to be kept quietly in the closet.

As seen in my previous post, I am finding all of the negative attention being put on black women’s audacity to take up space while none is being put on finding paths to emotional health and happiness to be a distressing and heartbreaking issue. Deifying my community as a safe space for fatties not only ignores the complex realities of what it’s like to be black and fat, but it also feels like a shiny happy face is being put on our pain. Still, I would love to see the day when these myths become realities….

Friday, September 9, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: 24/7 Master/slave Myths

Recently I was at an event and I caught the tail end of the speaker talking about how 24/7 isn’t real because eventually you have to put down the flogger and go to work. I smiled and said nothing; this is a common misunderstanding of the Master/slave 24/7 dynamic. I got to thinking about other very common misconceptions of this and compiled a short list to go over.

1) 24/7 isn’t real because you can’t maintain those roles all of the time, eventually you have to have to leave the house.

There is a difference between a 24/7 scene and a 24/7 relationship. Of course a 24/7 scene is not possible over the long term. But a 24/7 relationship that maintains its core roles and beliefs is more than possible. I do not stop being a Master or a wife or a lesbian because I am at work, getting gas, or working with my horses. It is part of who I am integrally, and just because I am not actively in a scene with my slave doesn’t mean that my slave isn’t serving me. Most service happens outside of a scene anyway. It is really hard to cook dinner while getting flogged, not impossible- just more difficult.

2) All Masters are sadists and all slaves are masochists.

Not all masters are into giving pain, and not all slaves are into receiving pain. In other words you don’t have to be one into s and m to be M/s. Some M/s relationships never have a play or sexual element. These are people that are all about the experience of the service both in the giving and the receiving. Others are very into play and sex but not with a pain component. It tends to be very individual.

3) The slave must be naked and in chains at all times when at home.

Make no mistake, for some households these are absolutely the requirements. But it isn’t always so. Other households have requirements that mean that the slave needs to have the ability to come inside and outside of the house frequently, answer the door for vanilla folk and otherwise use their time and efforts in such a way that clothes are required and chains are not reasonable.

4) Micromanagement is always the norm.

This is the theory that slaves need to be told what to do because in their everyday lives they are unable to make decisions for themselves. That is why Masters are so darn important (insert sarcasm here). However, not all Masters are into micromanagement. In a way micromanagement is its own fetish. It is the receiving of power and sexual gratification from the over management of another person. But it isn’t something that all Masters do or that all slaves enjoy. Not all masters require their slaves to ask permission before going to the bathroom, eating, taking a drink, entering the room, sleeping, or otherwise doing things that we all need to do in a day.

5) All communication is one way from the Master to the slave.

Again, there are households were the slave is expected to receive input only, and their opinion is nether solicited or desired. However, many 24/7 households have a need for the slave to have an opinion and have input on how things could be done. It is the Masters decision whether or not to accept the advice, but the slave is more than welcome and encouraged to give it.

There are many Master/ slave 24/7 relationships that have been successful over the years and continue to be. For a lot of people the concept of accepting either end of the power dynamics for long periods of time is inconceivable, and for them it may well be. BUT that doesn’t mean that just because it isn’t plausible for one person, it isn’t possible other people.

Last week our community experienced a huge loss. Our beloved Teddy has passed. He was a great person with a wonderful laugh, amazing voice, and strong and kind hands. His heart and light will be missed.

If you are looking for power munches, hands on workshops, or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in an active online community please find:
Group name:
New Mexico Fetlifers

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Hilarious (yet troubling) Sex Toys

We at Self Serve are lucky to have a network of friends and professional allies in the sex positive, education-based sex shops around the US and Canada.  We're slowly coming out, and we're called the Progressive Pleasure Club (PPC).

Sometimes our friends are supportive when we're looking for items for customers, trying to review hyped-up new sex toys, or making sure the items we sell are bodysafe (since Self Serve only sells phthalate-free toys).

But I am so pleased to learn that one colleague has taken the time to blog about some really stunning inventions out there.  Searah from Early to Bed in Chicago has created a blog all about the oddest, creepiest and most offensive sex toys out there.  A post I just saw on Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys actually just made my jaw drop - and I have seen some crap!  It's not that it's the most offensive or racist toy, it's just one of the oddest.  But don't take my word for it!

If you find this whole thing intriguing or amusing, do explore this blog.  I love that one tag simply says: body parts in the wrong places.  That kinda says a lot about what's wrong with mainstream sex toy manufacturing...

Searah's commentary makes it less scary and astounding.  Enjoy.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: Safety then vs. Safety now

We have all heard the safety rules that are propagated time and time again within the community. Use safe calls, meet in a public place, ask for references, talk to people about someone’s reputation, don’t allow yourself to get tied up when you are first playing with someone or better yet play in public. Then recently there have been a slew of internet safety rules, if the person has little to no profile, if their friends list has a distinct trend like all blonds, or all 18 years old, if they have reasons for not wanting to be in the community like the community is all fakers and/or wanna be’s, or if they push to meet and have sex or play in their first e mail then they may not be safe.

I am not saying that these don’t all have their place as far as remaining safe in the community, they do. I am not saying that each of these don’t have merit in their own right about pointing out who may or may not have good intentions, they can.


What I am saying is that as the community has grown and evolved and learned, so have the predators in it. And that perhaps our ideas on our own safety also need to grow and change to keep up with the times. What we know the predators also know and because of that the safeguards that we use are only giving us a false sense of security that can be easily turned against us and it is time that we updated them. So here is what I have come up with as far as possibly updating a new list of safety precautions that we should think about.

1) Update the concept of safe calls. Traditional safe calls are rarely used effectively, and when they are used, predators that are in the lifestyle will know about them and will be ready for them. On the off chance that a safe call is used the predator simply waits until after the call is made to make their move, or if the person on the other end of the line has been alerted to someone’s distress, the predator can simply stop what they are doing, or move the person to a different place to continue.

Instead of the traditional safe call when you meet a prospective play partner have a coffee or dinner with friends for people to meet this person. It doesn’t have to be expensive, make it a potluck. Then when meeting to play have a friend drop you off, come in and meet the person, and talk in front of the person when you will be picked up again. This gives an actually face and name and presence to your safety. If the person doesn’t want to meet your friends, or has a lot of “reasons” as to why you need to come alone. Then consider passing on his one because if someone doesn’t want to be seen or known, or has issues with you making arrangements for your own safety, then that won’t stop in the bedroom.

2) Update the idea of predators. So many times we either directly or indirectly put predators into the categories of male, heterosexual, single, white, dominant and older. It is time to do away with this. While we are all watching this stereotype of the dirty old man predators that are women, younger, GLBT, married, submissive and of all ethnicities are creating havoc in our community.

Instead of putting predators with a “look” start looking at predators as a behavior. Does this person disregard your boundaries especially if they are subtle, as in they don’t acknowledge that you have voiced a boundary, or only smile and possibly give a flippant answer when you do. They make consistent attempts to say or do things that make you intentionally uncomfortable. It may come across as attention, but something about it doesn’t feel right, and if asked to stop, they will either continue with the behavior or punish you. They will stop all attention, make fun of you publicly, or mock your request. These are all hints that a person doesn’t know how to respect boundaries and will not stop in the bedroom. If they ignore or talk down to their primary partner in public that is a sure sign of were things are headed with you.

3) Being tied up. We have all heard it and it is excellent advice, don’t allow yourself to be tired up with you are first playing with someone. It is great advice if: 1) people would follow it 2) predators weren’t aware of it. Someone that really intends to hurt another person will wait. They will wait until the person relaxes, they will not restrain them in the beginning, and they will jump through the proverbial hoops to get what they want.

So instead of not getting tied up, or rather waiting until you feel safe then put yourself in a bad spot, how about always have your own restraints that you use and can get out of when you need to. If bondage is what really does it for you, and is what you need in every scene then you need to take control of your own safety when it comes to this.

4) Start talking about what we really do, instead of of show boating about the things we should do. The more time effort and energy we put into the “I am safer then you” talk the less time we are devoted to actually making ourselves safer.

I often find that talks about safety take a very quiet turn when someone starts to talk about all of their safety precautions, and how extremely safe they are. This usually drives the whole conversation to a dead halt and stops people from talking about what they are really doing. Being self righteous doesn’t help anyone. It actually makes the real talk more difficult to have. So I am going to start. When my now slave and I first met we made a date I picked her up and drove her to my house for the night. No one knew where she was, who I was, or were I lived, or when she was coming back. I was freshly divorced with no friends, and minimal work contacts, and no one in the community knew me. Not because I was hiding, but because I had no idea there was a community. We were having sex and seeing each other for over a week before we knew the other person's last name.

I honestly don’t truly think that there are things that will keep any of us safe if there is someone out there that is dedicated to hurting any one of us. But I do think that it is time that we put aside the old ways of talking about safety that we don’t legitimately use, or that legitimately keep us safe and open a new dialogue as to what could really help us out there.

In the mean time- be safe, be smart, and be public.

If you are looking for play parties, hands on worships, and power munches in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers