Friday, August 26, 2011

repost: The Health Benefits of Sex

Need a healthy excuse?  This lovely article highlights the health benefits of sex... and it's just the beginning.  Some tools that can help things go smoother include lubricant, vibrators and those awesome liberator sex position furniture pieces.

1. Keeps our skin young and healthy
2. Sex Relieves Stress
3. Sex Boosts Immunity
4. Sex Burns Calories
5. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health
6. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem and Intimacy  
7. Sex Reduces Pain
8. Lowers our risk of cancer
9. Fights cavities
10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better
Read the whole blog post for details! 

Leather Bear Tails: Refusal to Serve

I find it very interesting when people that are slave identified refuse to serve because the service requested means that the attention isn’t on them. I am not talking about abusive situations or being asked to do things that are way out of the ordinary. I am talking about when slaves are asked to sexually serve or top their Masters, and not only refuse, but try to make the Masters or Dominant’s feel humiliated for even asking.

My slave had read an article that she shared with me a few years ago. The Dominant had done an elaborate scene, and then had sex with the bottom. The bottom did not reciprocate. So the next time a scene was planned the Dominant asked to be too serviced sexually. The bottom refused to ever play with the Dominant again. The thought being that it is the Dominant that should be doing all of the sexual work, and when asked to reciprocate the submissive was offended because that would mean that the attention would not be on them.

Oddly enough, part of me really felt that this was an isolated incident, and that time and knowledge and evolution had changed these thoughts and made people understand the complexities of sexuality more. Boy was I wrong.

Recently I had heard of a slave that was asked by their Master to top them. The slave refused, not only refused, but proudly refused, and throwing the toys to the ground, proceeded to humiliate the Master for even asking.

Is anybody else confused here?

If the slave had been asked to do the vacuuming and threw the vacuum down and humiliated the Master for asking would it have been viewed in the same way? Isn’t a request for service, a request for service?

I ‘m confused.

As a Master you better believe I receive sexually and she is good at it to. Not just normal people good, my slave is amazingly sexually talented. I can’t imagine putting my own sexual needs on the shelf because the slave that I was with believed that Masters should only receive sexual pleasure through the giving and domination of the slave, and not the receiving of a sexual act.

I also occasionally get topped by my slave. It isn’t often, it will never be in public and now even after all of these years, I still have mixed feelings about asking her to do it. Don’t get me wrong, she is a very capable top, and really enjoys servicing me in that way. But for me being topped is taking me into a very vulnerable space. I feel raw and am able to be hurt very very easily. In fact it takes a lot for me to ask, and state what I want in the first place. I have to get over what that means about me as a Master to be able to ask for her service. Luckily she is always receptive and reassuring to me asking and we do have a lot of fun.

But that place of vulnerability is very difficult. I can only imagine what it was like for those Dominant’s and Masters to finally get up the courage to ask for what they wanted. For them to be in a position to be hurt and rejected, only to have their slave and bottoms humiliate them at their most vulnerable. That isn’t something that a person gets over quickly.

I am appalled and disheartened that someone that calls themselves a slave would refuse sexual or play service. Masters and Dominants need love to. They need attention, sexual fulfillment and yes at times a little slap and tickle. We are not two dimensional people that can go without for the sake of our titles. We are three dimensional people that have our own needs to. And slaves that are serious about their service understand that a Master asking for these things is asking for a very deep and personal thing. This isn’t just about sex or play; it is about viewing the Master or Dominant in a complete way.

As a person and not a title.

If you are looking for power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are looking for an active online community find:

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Sex & Aging Resources

I had a great time yesterday presenting the workshop Sexy at Any Age for the Annual Albuquerque Conference on Aging.  A diverse, nervous-but-enthusiastic group of about 50 folks joined me to explore strategies for enjoying a hot sex life and happy relationships after 50.

If we're lucky, we'll all have to deal with natural, inevitable changes with our bodies and health as we age... and yes, this affects our sexuality and relationships.  I compiled a resource list with great books, videos and websites  that highlight healthy sex for seniors.  With a sex positive attitude, it is possible to find a healthy, happy sex life no matter what life throws you. 

Resources on Sexuality & Aging

Books - Available at Self Serve
  • Bill & Desiree: Love is Timeless erotic documentary about a real couple
  • Becoming Orgasmic the DVD
  • Other Instructional DVDs on orgasm, technique and sexuality available at Self Serve for rent

Friday, August 19, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: Leather Family

Leather families are chosen families that come in many different types and are formed for many different reasons. Some people form leather families for play or sex, others for company or protection. Usually there is a hierarchy, one person or a couple that run the family and chose who is asked to join and who is asked to leave. Some families are highly organized; it takes a petition with references, followed by years of service to the family and their causes to even be considered. Once in, a person is given a position and usually a patch that represents their family. Other families are more relaxed and change frequently. They tend to be formed and disbanded depending on physical attraction in the moment. Some are very extensive, others are small and insular. Some do not allow a new person into the family unless the entire family agrees to this; others are solely governed by the head of the family. For some families bad behavior is taken care of inside the family and for other families the members are responsible for their own selves and expected to handle their own issues.

When I found myself in my leather family, it was something that had been forming itself for a few years. We had been through a lot together and one day we were talking and the word family came up and we all realized that that is what we were. My leather family is the people that know me the best, who I go to for advice and teaching, and who I know have my best interest at heart. They celebrated the buying of our house, they worried with me as my slave has struggled with her health, and they called me on my behavior when needed. They watched and helped me grow, and let me do all of this for them in return. My leather family has been there more for me then my bio family could be or wanted to be. My leather family is not the people that we play with or sleep with, and there is no recognized leader, per se, just a few people that rely on each other for support, guidance and love. But they are the first people that I call when I have something to celebrate, or something to worry over. They have come to mean the world to me over the years.

It is not to say that occasionally we don’t fail each other or make mistakes. Like all families leather families go through struggles as well. We are not immune to miscommunications, frustration, and fear. And sometimes we just grow apart. Recently a part of our leather family and ourselves have gone in two very different directions, and so we have separated from that part of our family. It was best for everyone involved. But this has gotten me thinking about family in general.

I have been very lucky to have the leather family that I have had for as long as it has been. The things that I have wanted from my bio family that will never happen I have joyfully received from my chosen one. I have mentioned that they were there when we bought out house, and celebrated with us this very important milestone. What I didn’t say was that my bio family never once said congratulations. When my slave was struggling with her health it is my leather family that was by my side, offering a shoulder, an ear, and support. All the while my bio family said nothing, not even I hope she feels better. Recently my slave and I have talked about celebrating our tenth anniversary together next year with a possible ceremony. I know that whatever I ask from my leather family will be no question. I also know that my bio family refused to attend our wedding because they wanted to use their time share. Last year when the blister beetles that accidentally got into the horse food supply killed several horses in our area and had possibly been ingested by my beloved horses I went to my leather family and lost it. I never told my bio family, I knew better.

It is the things that I have achieved in my life that I consider most important that are the things that I could never share with my bio family. The evolution of my leather identify as well as the project AEL Kinkskills would only bring disgust and accusations. Not because they view leather as dangerous and are concerned about my safety, but because as a person of size, with a partner of color, and a lesbian I am simply considered less then by them.

My chosen family is my heart. I am very blessed indeed. So when you look around the world and there are those very special people that want you to grow, push you to grow, and love you warts and all. Embrace them, love them, and make them your home. They are very rare indeed.

If you are looking from play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are looking for an active online community please find:

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Friday, August 12, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: The Faces of Albuquerque --Ms. B

When Ms. B was 19 she met a man who was 28 and a budding dominant. She began her journey as a submissive and very quickly found that this did not fit her. After about a year a few gay male dominant friends decided to train her as a dominant. This training continued for 8 years. She has been in the life style for 32 years overall and considers herself a Domme and a Sadist who does not identify as leather. This is her personal philosophy:

You take who you are into this. This isn't role playing. It IS relationships. You bring all your honor, integrity, humor and knowledge, or lack thereof, into all your relationships, vanilla and D/S.

1) Have you faced any type of discrimination in the community and if so what type of discrimination?

“In the late 70’s and early 80’s it was the Leather community. Because there was no internet, D/S and BDSM were relegated to gay leather men and bikers. You found a club in New York or a club in Atlanta or a club in Las Vegas. They don’t want you there because you are a femmy straight woman. They don’t to talk to you, they treat your man badly, and including cruising your men telling them how no woman can dominate a man properly. Even the leather mentors that I had, could have me at the functions at their house, but they couldn’t take me to a club in New York because I wouldn’t be welcome.”

2) Have you ever had a scene do wrong to were you called red and if so what happened?

“I’m sure I have, but all I can think of at the moment was a scene that didn’t go wrong, per se, the person that I was topping, the energy was so flat, I was getting absolutely nothing back. After about 10 minutes into it, with him trying to top me from the bottom, I just put everything down and said we are done. There was no enjoyment for me. Flat isn’t the right perspective. It was almost draining, to play with him. As a top you put out a lot of energy, it’s a very symbiotic exchange going on between the two of you. So, when you’re putting it out and there is nothing coming back it’s dead. I would enjoy beating carpet more than him so, I just stopped it, and I was done.

3) What was the hardest lesson that you learned as a Domme?

“I don’t get to be right all the time, In fact, the times that I am wrong are so numerous! But its good, you get to make a mistake, you get to learn from it, you get to own up to it, and try not to do it again. One of my absolutely favorite sayings is smart people learn from their own mistakes, wise people learn from other peoples mistakes. I really try to be wise, but mostly I'm just smart.”

4) What have you accomplished in a scene that surprised even you in a good way?

“One of my guys was a Vietnam vet and he wanted a specifically harsh scene. He had always wondered if his plane had gone down and he was ever captured could he take it. Not twenty minutes into the scene, he collapsed onto the floor, so the answer was no. It was very hard for me in a way to be in that kind of head space; to be emotionally distant from him because he wanted that. For me not to be able to check; to keep going and not care was very unique. I wish I could tell you how very much I enjoyed being able to do that. Very rarely do we, as Sadists, get to unleash our sadistic nature in such a way. The scene surprised him. And that no, he would have told them everything, had he ever been captured.”

5) What is the next skill you are excited to learn?

“I would really like to do some suspension. I like to come in here (her living room) and l look at the ceiling and I think "God, I could put something really cool up there!" I’ve seen it done and I’ve co topped in scenes with it done. I personally find the five point suspension is just easier on the body. Shoulders, hips, head, versus arms over the head, because you can dislocate the shoulder quickly. “

A very special thanks to Ms. B for being my guinea pig for a new segment I am adding to my blog: The Faces of Albuquerque! It was a blast to interview you!

If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in an active online community place find:

Group name: New Mexico Fetlifers

Friday, August 5, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: AEL Power Munch – Perps versus twirps

Two weeks ago was the monthly AEL power munch, and I was so excited to hear the speaker. Her years of experience and presenting ability make her a joy to watch. She had done a discussion about a year ago about negotiation, which honestly, is not usually my favorite thing to listen to. It is usually rote and overly simplistic but her speech was the exception to this, and I still think about some of the things that she said. So this month’s discussion she was talking about perps versus twirps. I am going to recap the parts that meant the most to me, and have stuck with me even now two weeks later.

The idea was that there are people in the community that are twirps. These are the people that don’t realize that their behavior is inappropriate, or my favorite word, creepy, and so it continues. Twirps really want to learn to do things better and when confronted by bad or questionable behavior they make actual and honest attempts to change how they come across. Perps however are another matter entirely. These are the people that very intentionally seek out and harm others, through play, sex, and or emotional and spiritual manipulation. You name it, it happens.

At one point she talked about making someone uncomfortable. Sometimes doing this is unintentional, and sometimes it is very intentional because the person doing just that gets off on the other persons discomfort. The part that made me rethink a lot of things was this- she said that when someone is intentionally making another person uncomfortable, the uncomfortable person will reward that behavior, sometimes by a giggle, sometimes by a comment, to offset their own discomfort. This giggle or comment as well their discomfort is the other persons reward for making them uncomfortable. So stop rewarding the people that make you uncomfortable.

I really had to take that in. I can think of so many times when I have done just that, uncomfortable laughter, because I didn’t really know what else to do. It never occurred to me that I was rewarding and contributing to what they were doing.

She then asked the group a question about what to do when the person that was just inappropriate with you and yours turns out to be the Head Dungeon Monitor at the play party you are at. And as you and yours enter the party they comment on people needing to behave properly. Ohhh—that one struck deep. The group commented on it, some said tell the producers others talked about social pressure ect…. My opinion which I kept to myself at the time was this- the reason that person is a head DM in the first place is because they are most likely already friends with the producers and the organizers. So what good is it to tell them, when they are going to excuse their friends behavior anyway?

Her conversation on predators took a serious turn, when she told a true story about a dominant and submissive that had gone into the secluded woods. The dominant tied up the submissive and when the submissive wanted to red out and tried to stop the scene the dominant continued the abuse for hours. Causing what turned out to be years of permanent damage. People listened intensely, as the whole crowd struggled with the big unanswerable question. What do we do?

At one point, a person in the crowd said "call the cops.” It was at this point I should have taken a deep breath and thought out my words better, but I got really angry. When the presenter called on me I basically said, more angrily then needed- the cops aren’t the answer. There is a reason these people went to a secluded area, maybe they were stepping out on their spouses. And we all know that these types of cases boil down to six years of court trials and police records to basically end up in she said/ he said and NO conviction.

On second thought what I wanted to say was- I am not saying that there isn’t a time and place to involve the police and court systems, what I am saying is if calling the cops was the answer then we wouldn’t have a problem. This is a very heated and personal issue for me.

The fact is that perps know exactly what to say, what to do, and who to target. They are good at what they do that is how they keep doing it for years. They know how to stay on the fringes of the community without letting their bottoms know that there is support out there. They effectively isolate and destroy, all the while continuing these cycles of physical and emotional violence for years, sometimes decades. It is a problem that our entire society deals with. Access to the internet and the inherent rick of the behaviors in BDSM activities make it even easier to not only find those easy to exploit, but to become someone who preys on people with minimal effort.

I don’t want it to seem like people don’t have recourse, or people don’t have the ability to fight back or protect themselves when and if something does happen. I don’t want to come across like violence is a lost cause to stop so we shouldn’t even try. What I am trying to say is that real complex and socially volatile and layered problems don’t have simple answers.

If you force predators out of the community, that doesn’t stop them from being predators, it just makes them better at it.

If you let violence go then it only gets worse. But fighting it means doing it publicly and as soon as a single photo of the bottom in fetish gear surfaces, the trial is over before it starts.

I wish I had an answer. I wish I had an end point to all of this. But I think that the only thing that I can say is, for Goddess sake, be careful out there. Be social, do your research, and assume that you know nothing.

If you are interested in power munches, play parties of hands on workshops please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in a very active online community please find

Group name: New Mexico Fetlifers