Friday, January 28, 2011

So You're at a Play Party... Now What?

First off play parties are awesome! My slave and I went to one a few weeks ago and had the best time talking and playing! So with that said knowing what you are walking into can be really important when it comes to play party events. In actuality there are many different types of play parties. Some are men or women only, some allow sex, others do not, some are for male or female dominants only, some are in a private home others are in a public dungeon, some are open to anyone that can pay the entrance fee and others allow people to come only after an interview and with a reference, and some parties are very strict as to which types of play the do and do not allow.

Even though play parties may have different rules they will all have about the same set of protocols. So if you are new and want to go to a party and don’t know what to do or how you should act here are some things to keep in mind.

1) Don’t touch. Don’t touch a persons equipment, don’t touch another person’s collar, and don’t touch another person unless you know how they identity and/or you are given permission first.

2) Don’t interrupt a scene with either your person or your voice. Coming to close to a scene can break the tops focus or get you unintentionally (or intentionally) hit by a flying object. Talking loudly can interrupt a scene and giving your own opinion as to what you think could be better is both rude and intrusive.

3) Don’t interrupt the aftercare. Often people think that it is ok to approach someone because the scene is over, but be careful not to interrupt the after care, ask to approach first.

4) Respect the rules even if you don’t understand them. People who throw play parties take on a risk; they open up their homes to be raided by the police and themselves to be prosecuted for illegal activity. So respect that the rules that are established are there to protect the facilitators of the party. If you don’t understand why a rule is in place ask~ I bet there is a great story behind that rule.

5) Use discretion. If you met someone at a play party and you see then in the outside world do not talk about the party~ they may not be out.

6) Clean up after yourself. Wipe down all equipment when you are done, throw your disposable plates and cups out.

7) Don’t assume. Don’t assume you know it all, don’t assume your title gives you any privileges and don’t assume that if you act badly that people will want you back.

I love going to play parties! I really enjoy watching other people’s techniques since every scene is different in its own way, seeing how they negotiate, and comparing notes. I always learn something new. Play parties are a great way to socialize and network and learn. As well as seeing people act in their element. I f you haven’t gone to one~ go, if you haven’t been in a while go again!
If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area, please contact:

If you are interested in an online New Mexico Community check out:
group name: New Mexico Fetlifers

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Brickhouse Chronicles: Daydreaming The Fat and Queer Body Electric

Being a proud fat chick is important to me because being queer fabulous is important to me. Like many women, ever since I was a young girl, I always felt uncomfortable in my skin. Everywhere I turned (outside of the safety of my home), I was hit with the constant message that black was not beautiful and that not having a slender body was to be a source of shame and embarrassment. I developed a woman's body early and my wide hips, large breasts, and softly rounded tummy were constant sources of consternation for me because I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be graceful. I wanted to be loved.

I spent my high school years starving myself and exercising for three hours a day Monday through Friday, and binging on the weekend. I wanted so badly to be viewed as beautiful like the light-skinned black girls who seemed to find acceptance by society as creatures of beauty. In my mind, being thought of as beautiful meant that your life was so much easier. The thinner and lighter one was seemed to correspond with how nice people were to you. As I fell into the dangerous mind set that thinness and starvation equaled discipline, I just knew that once I got my appetite under control that the very un-Christian feelings that I was having about other women would go away. I lost a lot of weight and got lots of positive attention from friends and family for “finally taking care of myself” but the feelings of alienation from my body and sense of sexuality just wouldn’t go away.

Fast forward to my adulthood when I first came out of the closet….not much had changed. The only images of dyke women that were viewed as acceptable and sexually attractive that I saw when I first came out were those of thin, androgynous, white, and extremely athletic women. The starvation, exercise, and binge regimen that I had worked so hard to get rid of re-surfaced with a vengeance. I just couldn’t relate to all of the utopian stories that I kept hearing from various women about how once they came out of the closet, they found a sense of self acceptance not to mention a long line of lovers’ who were eager to get their hands on the abundant curves that these women possessed. My coming out experience was laced with encounters of fat-phobia and racism and I started to believe once again that love (or at least a good lay) was around the corner if I just lost these pesky hips, boobs, and my newly found sense of femme identity.

My saving grace came in the form of two things: 1) I started to go to the local Transgendered support group as a show of solidarity for my best friend 2) I found a book titled ‘Looking Queer’ which featured several essays from various individuals on the rainbow spectrum and their experiences with the realities of body image in the queer community. It was with the transgendered group that I learned to not only love the skin I was in, but the value of helping others in seeing their inner and outer beauty. It was with these incredible ladies that I learned that that things I had spent most of my life hating and hiding (hips, lips, and tummy oh my!) were things that the majority of them had to work hard for through surgery, padding, and ovarian fortitude. Thanks to these goddesses, I was beginning to understand the concept of Femme Power. The book ‘Looking Queer’ was the first time that I had encountered stories about the difficult road to fat acceptance that I could relate to. I read the stories of people who were poor, fat, and of color and how they navigated the waters of lookism within the queer community and realized that I was not alone.

As I gradually developed a stronger sense pride in having a body that was lovingly meant to be fat and dark skinned (and got laid…it does wonders for my disposition!), I started to venture out and try and learn new things that had always tickled my queer fancy, such as exploring the various sex and queer positive communities that were at my disposal and learning to dance to all of the beautiful Middle Eastern and African music that had always moved my heart. But I could not have gotten this far without first beginning to accept, love, and pamper my body. So for me, being queer fabulous is truly connected with learning the art of being fat and fabulous.
This is something I wrote a few years back in dedication to my journey, and to the love that my wife gives me.
Hair and Hips: A Nappy Girl’s Manifesto
I love my hips the way I love my hair
They are full and fierce with thickly coiled and curved defiance
They are a reflection of the women in my line who came before me
Dark skinned, full-lipped and wide hipped
Dancing, working, loving and birthing under the skies of sun-parched lands
I love my hips the way I love my hair
How they have stood in direct challenge to my attempts at taming them
Starving, torturing, burning, and hiding them to dull the pain of imperfection
The "imperfection" of being too fat, too nappy-headed... too queer
I love my hips the way I love my hair
How they are soft and alluring to an experienced lover's touch
Writhing, desiring, and needing
The pulling, guiding, thrusting, and licking of a night's heated lovin'
I love my hips the way I love my hair
They are a reflection of my life's joy as I admire myself in the mirror
Dark skinned, full lipped, wide hipped
as I dance, work, and love under sun parched skies.

Brickhouse Betties Yahoo Group:

Brickhouse Betties Facebook Group:

My Wife’s Amazing Leather Bear Blog Home

Friday, January 21, 2011


When I very first started out in the lifestyle my slave introduced me to her mentor. He was Master identified and had a full time slave. I was very excited and very grateful that I could talk to someone about how I was feeling, or what I was going through. At first things went OK, but over time he started treating me more like his submissive then his mentee. He would get angry at us, or rather me, if we were late, and one time he decided I needed a talking to about my slave not working, even though I had explained that this was the dynamic that I had always wanted. The not working thing would have not been an issue if I were a man, by the way. He was not listening. The relationship ended quickly after that and because of that experience I didn’t feel comfortable asking others to mentor me. When I attempted to turn to the internet for answers I found the people to be condescending, inflated, and either unprepared or unable to answer questions. Over time I have had people in my life that were great teachers to me, but none that I can say were mentors to me.

Occasionally I will have someone contact me over the internet saying that they want some form of mentor ship. Usually it is really about wanting to know how to “surprise “their girlfriends in bed. When I strongly answer back “don’t do that, you could trigger her, this could end badly” they usually stop writing me, no big surprise.

I have found it really difficult to find people that are truly honest about their experiences and or want to mentor someone without their own agenda.

I have very strict rules bout being a mentor to someone. These rules I use to protect myself and the person learning under me. First off I don’t have sex with or play with those that are learning under me. In my way of thinking mentor ships are transient relationships based on learning, as in teacher and student. Sex and play both cloud judgment and someone in the relationship needs to keep a clear head. If the mentor is thinking about getting into the mentees pants then the mentor is more focused on their own needs and not the needs of their student. Secondly the mentee must have a similar identity to mine. I can’t teach someone about something that I am not. Lastly I am not going to collar someone to learn under me, this for me has extreme importance. Someone who is learning from me and someone who belongs to me are two completely different things.

I also think that there are some things that someone being mentored has a right to expect. First a person should pick a mentor that has their best intentions at heart. This can be very difficult if the mentee doesn’t actually know what they want. A few years back I was mentoring someone who said that they wanted to be a Master, and they kept saying that they wanted to leave their current relationship. So I sought out ways and experiences to empower this person. In the end they didn’t identify as a Master and they didn’t really want to leave, and I felt like I had wasted my time and energy focusing on goals that they never wanted in the first place.

Second, a person who is learning deserves someone who is honest about what their challenges are. Having a mentor with an inflated sense of self, inflated sense of experience, or is threatened by those that know more than them is really detrimental to someone who wants to learn. Lastly everyone deserves a teacher that can let them go. Mentor/mentee relationships are finite. Being able to learn what you need from someone knowing that you have the freedom to continue to grow without them is not only healthy but the basis for a lifelong friendship.

Mentors are a dime a dozen, but good mentors are few and far between. Be careful when picking someone to learn from, and always know that if your goals aren’t being met, it is ok to move forward and find a teacher that suits you.

If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area, please contact:

If you are interested in an online New Mexico Community check out:
group name: New Mexico Fetlifers

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Self Serve is 4 Years Old!

We are celebrating our first 4 fabulous years!

Join us Saturday night for giveaways, live fire dancing, Kimo, an evening of community, celebration, laughter, and more giveaways than you can shake a dild* at!!

Saturday January 22nd, 4-9pm

Stop in and say hi, or stay all night.
Multiple Surprises in store......

Old Friends, New Friends, & LOTS OF LOVE!!

Also, we're giving away stuff on facebook all week!  If you haven't 'liked' our page yet, do so soon and you could win stuff! 

Also, Matie and I are hosting a round of sexy trivia at Geeks Who Drink on January 26 at O'Neill's in Nob Hill.  Yippee!

Thank you to our community for all your love and support over the last 4 years.

We're so glad you keep on doing it.  In new ways, too.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Oregon State Uninvites Tristan Taormino

Shame on you, Oregon State.

There's no way to quell students' efforts to celebrate and learn about diverse sexuality than to un-invite a world renowned author and speaker, Tristan Taormino last minute.

Please read Taormino's press release and my response letter to University officials is below.

A veiled conservative, last minute decision from Oregon State University officials suddenly revoked previously-promised funding.  One of my least favorite, increasingly frequent pet peeves is when a conversation about positive sexuality must turn to censorship.  Yet again, in efforts to celebrate healthy sexuality, a group is censored around what kind of sexuality they can talk about.

Even in a supposedly progressive place like Oregon; in a University environment where self exploration, critical thinking and new ideas should be supported, students are forced to un-invite their keynote speaker on sexual empowerment.

A press release yesterday states:

Award-winning author, columnist, sex educator, and filmmaker Tristan Taormino was set to be the keynote speaker at Oregon State University’s Modern Sex conference, scheduled for February 15-16, 2011. Yesterday, she was uninvited by a university representative, who cited her resume and website as the reason.

On October 28, 2010, organizers of the OSU Modern Sex conference booked Taormino to give the keynote talk.  After standard conversations and negotiation over a contract, in late December, OSU again confirmed Tristan’s appearance and conference organizers told her manager to purchase airline tickets, for which OSU would be reimburse her.

On Tuesday, January 18, 2011, Steven Leider, Director of the Office of LGBT Outreach and Services contacted Colten Tognazzini, Tristan Taormino’s manager, to say that the conference had come up short on funding. Tognazzini told him that since the travel was booked and the time reserved, they could work with whatever budget they did have. Leider said that would not be possible: “We have to cancel Ms. Taormino’s appearance due to a lack of funding. It has been decided that OSU cannot pay Ms. Taormino with general fee dollars, because of the content of her resume and website.” At OSU, ‘general fee dollars’ include taxpayer dollars given to the University by the Oregon State Legislature to defray various costs. They differ from ‘student activity dollars,’ which are part of every student’s tuition and help fund student groups and activities.

Taormino’s resume includes her seven books on sex and relationships, the 18 anthologies she has edited, numerous television appearances from CNN to The Discovery Channel, and her award-winning adult films. She was a columnist for The Village Voice for nearly ten years and has given more than 75 lectures at top colleges and universities including Yale, Princeton, Cornell, Brown, NYU and Columbia. Her website, , includes sex education information, advice, and information about the films she directs for Vivid Entertainment, one of the largest adult companies in the country.

Tognazzini spoke to a source at OSU who speculated that the University feared that when it went before the legislature in regards to future funding, legislators would use OSU’s funding of a “pornographer” on campus as ammunition to further cut budgets. This source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Tognazzini, “I think they’re uninviting Tristan because they don’t want to have to defend her appearance to conservative legislators.”

“I’m extremely disappointed that OSU has decided to cancel my appearance. I’ve been protested before, but never uninvited. I have never misrepresented who I am or what I do. I am proud of all the work I do, including the sex education films and feminist pornography I make,” says Taormino. “The talk I planned to give at this conference, titled “Claiming Your Sexual Power” has nothing to do with porn, but the porn is such an easy target for anti-sex conservatives and censors. I find it ironic that one of the missions of the conference is to understand diverse perspectives of sexuality. Apparently, my perspective—one of educating and empowering people around their sexuality—isn’t welcome at OSU.”

Note from Tristan:
Don't Let the Anti-Sex Conservatives Win!

If you support free speech and my mission of sexual empowerment, please voice your opinion about OSU’s decision to cancel my appearance at the last minute (and not reimburse me for travel expenses) to the following people. I would really appreciate your support —Tristan

Larry Roper
Vice Provost for Student Affairs
632 Kerr Administration Building
Corvallis, OR 97331-2154
541-737-3626 (phone)
541-737-3033 (fax)

Dr. Mamta Motwani Accapadi
Dean of Student Life
A200 Kerr Administration Building
Corvallis, OR 97331-2133
541-737-8748 (phone)
541-737-9160 (fax)
twitter: @deanmamta

Dr. Edward J. Ray
600 Kerr Administration Building
Corvallis, OR 97331-2128
541-737-4133 (phone)
541-737-3033 (fax)

My letter to University officials:

To President Ray, Dean Motwani Accapadi, and Vice President Roper

Shame on you.

There's no way to quell students' efforts to celebrate and learn about diverse sexuality than to un-invite a world renowned author and speaker, Tristan Taormino last minute.

A veiled conservative, last minute decision from your University suddenly revoked previously-promised funding for a great thinker in modern sexuality. 

Even in a supposedly progressive place like Oregon; in a University environment where self exploration, critical thinking and new ideas should be supported, students are forced to un-invite their keynote speaker on sexual empowerment.

One of my least favorite, increasingly frequent pet peeves is when a conversation about positive sexuality must turn to censorship.  Yet again, in efforts to celebrate healthy sexuality, a group is censored around what kind of sexuality they can or can't talk about.

I agree with Tristan Taormino, it's "ironic that one of the missions of the conference is to understand diverse perspectives of sexuality. Apparently, [her] perspective—one of educating and empowering people around their sexuality—isn’t welcome at OSU.”

I wish the leaders at Oregon State could see this situation 10 or 20 years from now.  With the opportunity to offer students a new, positive, healthy and empowered approach to sexuality, you chose to support censorship and fear. 

As a sexuality educator myself, I know the challenges that exist around teaching sex positive empowerment and sharing sex resources.  There are numerous opponents to sharing comprehensive sex information with youth or in religious environments, of course.  But I am greatly saddened when even students at an institution of higher education are prevented from seeking the sexuality knowledge they seek out.

I hope you reconsider this cancellation of Tristan Taormino's keynote address, and extend a hand to sexuality educators of all experiences in the future.


Molly Adler
Sexuality Educator, and co-owner, Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center
3904b Central Ave SE
Albuquerque, NM 87108

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Girl's Guide To Having An Abortion from

The Girl's Guide To Having An Abortion
Please read this amazing, helpful and down-to-earth piece on about having an abortion. 

As the writer states, too few women have adequate resources about reproductive choices and facts about abortion.  This great post helps translate real womens' experiences, and if you have to choose abortion, what procedures will be like.

If you're in New Mexico, here are local resources for you:
Planned Parenthood Offices in and near Albuquerque
Southwestern Women's Options
Listings for NM at National Abortion Federation
Bruce Ferguson, MD 

One in three American women have had or will have an abortion, and if you're one of them, wading through the sea of hypercharged rhetoric and actually finding straightforward facts about the medical procedure that awaits can seem daunting.

I'm not going to patronize readers of this website by insisting that the decision is always a "gut-wrenching" or "horrible" or "life destroying" decision or whatthefuckever anti-choice groups insist abortion must be in all cases. In some cases, the emotional aftermath of an abortion is an overwhelming feeling of relief; in many readers' cases, terminating their pregnancies was simply a legal medical procedure that allowed their life to continue unabated after feeling briefly terrified, alone, and afraid.

While none of those who contributed say that they regretted their decision, many readers mentioned that resources available to them to prepare them for their experience were either emotionally anecdotal and thus not applicable to them or startlingly sterile and medical-sounding. In compiling this collection of readers' experiences, I sought to walk the line between the personal and the medical, to lift the veil of mystery and shame that surrounds a procedure that millions of women undergo every year, that you may undergo, or that your best friend may undergo, or that your daughter may someday undergo, and, since the 38th anniversary of Roe v. Wade is coming up this week, there's no time like the present.

A Girl's Guide To Unexpectedly Finding Out That You're Pregnant
First, you will likely find out you are pregnant, and if the pregnancy is unplanned and unwanted, this new found knowledge will be unpleasant. Readers' experiences finding out that they were surprise pregnant vary from complete shock and what-the-fuckitude to the culmination of weeks of suspecting something was wrong before finally peeing on that sinister little strip.

Pregnancy test buying tip: if you're nervous (you are) when purchasing an "uh oh" pregnancy test, banish judgmental purse-lipped looks from Walgreen's cashiers by acting super happy about it.

Finding out you're pregnant when you don't want to be is terrifying. Writes one reader:
The thing that struck me the most was that there was a momentum that my body now had, a process that I couldn't control.
As soon as you find out and you've decided that you wish to terminate your pregnancy, call an abortion provider and schedule an appointment, because the longer you wait, the more difficult and expensive the procedure can be. Many readers have utilized the services of Planned Parenthood, but others have been able to have their procedures performed by OB/GYN's in clinics that aren't specifically reserved for abortion. When scheduling an appointment, you may want to consider calling around and finding a pro-choice OB/GYN to recommend a doctor who can perform the procedure. And finally, if you're lucky enough to have it, check on your insurance. Many group insurance plans cover abortion costs as they would birth-related costs. Your boss will not know if you've had an abortion, and cannot ask questions about the specific nature of your absence if you have to take time off work. If your employer presses, have the facility that provided you with the procedure write you a note explaining that you are undergoing a medical procedure that takes a certain amount of time to recover from along with a list of the date it would be appropriate for you to return to work. In most cases, the healthcare provider will be glad to help you with this and will even give you input on an appropriate recovery time. If you feel like you need to take an extra day, let them know.

When you go to the doctor, they will make you pee on a stick again, possibly the same brand of pregnancy test you used at home. Once a positive result is received at the clinic, they may take blood for a blood test and they may rely on the urine test results. You're probably going to have to have an ultrasound that's administered vaginally, using a wand that is inserted into the vagina. Doctors do this so that they know how far along you are and what method of pregnancy termination will be appropriate for you; ideally, they'll perform the least-invasive procedure possible without putting you at risk for complications and they'll recommend one of several options for you.

A Girl's Guide To RU-486
RU-486 is a pill that chemically induces the body to miscarry. It can be used to terminate pregnancies that are 9 weeks along or fewer and is the most effective way to terminate a pregnancy that's fewer than seven weeks along. It's now known as mifepristone and is given to the patient in two doses, the first of which is administered at the clinic and stops the development of the fetus and the second of which is taken at home which induces the uterus to empty its contents. If you're in the UK, you have to take both doses at the clinic, but this may be changing in the near future.

Readers who utilized this method remarked that they experienced massive, massive menstrual cramp-like feelings in their abdomen combined with some nausea. Women utilizing this method of abortion should make plans to bleed quite a bit, because while the cramping can be relieved with over the counter pain medications, the bleeding cannot. The bleeding will go for anywhere from a week to a month after taking RU-486, but most people I spoke with mentioned it went on for around two weeks.

A Girl's Guide To A First Trimester Surgical Abortion
If you're more than 7 weeks pregnant, you may be better suited for a vacuum aspiration. You'll have to undergo the same pee test/general vital checkup/ultrasound routine as everyone else, and when it's time for your procedure, you'll put on a hospital gown, lay down on an exam table under mild sedation and have the contents of your uterus essentially vacuumed out of you. The procedure's done in a matter of minutes, but readers reported that the sound of the mechanism used to perform the procedure is "disturbing."

Afterward, you'll probably need over the counter pain relievers to help any residual cramping. You'll probably feel "out of it" and need someone to take you home and make sure you have some crappy movies and cheese fries or something. You'll have to go to a follow-up appointment after some time has passed to make sure that the procedure was successful. Bleeding may continue for several days to a few weeks after the procedure.

A Girl's Guide To A Late Term Abortion
This is tricky, because most places don't have doctors that will perform procedures on women who are beyond their first trimester and still wish to terminate their pregnancies. Second trimester abortions are massively more expensive, complicated, and traumatic than first trimester abortions, and thus it's important to stay on top of your own reproductive health and, if you're afraid you might be pregnant and you don't plan on carrying the pregnancy to term, take a pregnancy test if you're in the least bit scared.

If a pregnancy is too far along to be terminated via vacuum aspiration or medicinally, doctors will perform a D&C, which is a procedure in two steps. First, the patient has the cervix numbed and has several seaweed matchsticks inserted into the cervix. These sticks absorb moisture from the body and expand, dilating the cervix. This part of the procedure is extremely painful and should be met with all available anti-pain resources available- hot water bottles, the maximum dose of pain killers your doctor recommends, very limited physical activity. After the sticks are in the cervix for at least 12 hours, the patient will return to the hospital, where she'll have the option of being placed under general anesthesia or partial anesthesia, which means you'll be partially conscious for the procedure. The contents of the uterus are then removed via a sharp instrument and suctioned out.

Following a D&C, like with other abortion procedures, there will be blood, and you'll probably have to take at least a few days off of work. It's not recommended that you have sex or use tampons for at least a few weeks following a D&C, to prevent infection.

As with other procedures, you'll have a follow-up appointment at a date in the future you and your doctor determine where they'll check to make sure everything's fine.

In a perfect world, birth control would work 100% of the time as intended and we'd all be able to will ourselves pregnant using only the power of our intentions, but the fact of the matter is, we can't will our natural processes to line up with our goals and objectives. I'm not trying to advocate that all unintentionally pregnant women choose abortion, rather, I hope that this collection information gathered from reader experiences can serve as a guide for women who have decided that abortion is the best course of action for themselves.

It should be evident from this post that there's really no such thing as "just" having an abortion, that the cavalier attitude that sexually active women have toward life or toward motherhood is more convenient myth than anything else. From communicating with readers who have terminated a pregnancy, it's clear that no one wants to have an abortion, but sometimes it's the least-shitty of a bunch of shitty choices a woman can make when she becomes unintentionally pregnant, especially if she's not physically, financially, or emotionally ready to handle a pregnancy. Adoption is a wonderful alternative for people women who don't wish to be mothers, but abortion is the only alternative for pregnant women who don't want to be pregnant.

Image via Shutterstock

Send an email to Morning Gloria, the author of this post, at

Sunday, January 16, 2011

abqCUFFS goes to City Council Meeting Wed. Jan 19th

Citizens United for Free Speech (Albuquerque CUFFS, a local activist group that formed after the Pornotopia Censored show was censored) will continue their campaign to amend the zoning laws in Albuquerque. They go to each City Council meeting and speak during the public comment portion of the meeting. Every person who signs up at the beginning of the meeting has 2 minutes to talk directly to the City Council.

If you want to join the movement, email abqCUFFS(a) [replace (a) with @]
or "like" the CUFFS facebook page

The next meeting is Wednesday, January 19th, 5 pm. Meet at the the Vincent E. Griego Council Chambers, basement level of Albuquerque/Bernalillo County Government Center, One Civic Plaza.Leaving, click for disclaimer

The following video discusses the issue between the ambiguous "obscenity" vs. Free Speech debate around the John Stagliano Trial. (video by

Friday, January 14, 2011

An honest talk about reputation.

When eve and I were first together, we were both surprised to find out that there were a ton of rumors about how I was abusing her. It had gotten to the point were at a party that she had attended without me she was pulled aside by some friends and told that she didn’t have to tolerate abuse and that she had a safe house if she would ever desire one. Who, you may ask , was spreading those rumors? eve’s previous domme. Unable to accept that eve had moved on to another relationship he decided to spread hateful rumors about my reputation in both the leather and poly communities. It took years to undo the damage.

Later when I was a title holder there were many people who blatantly disagreed with how I represented my title. I was doing things differently, and that challenged a lot of people. Even thought I ran my title with all that I thought was best, there was a lot of grumbling out there. To this day I still don’t understand.

So if you talk to those people about me, you will definitely get a juicy earful~ some truth, some not.

I think that is my point about reputations.

A while back in BDSM and leather history a reputation was vital to a person’s ability to move in the community. Communities were extremely small, segregated, and highly underground. A community opinion and known reputation was vital to a person’s existence, because without it you were denied entry, no exceptions. Now the community is expansive, varied and easier to enter, because of this reputations are also varied. Where a person is considered wonderful and skilled in one section of the community they may be viewed very differently in a different section.

The truth is that there are many reasons why people have bad reputations; they may be unsafe, unstable, unskilled, or dishonest about their experience and community standing. But there are also a lot of reasons why a bad reputation may be unwarranted. A spurned lover, a personality conflict, someone seeking attention, or someone purposefully spreading rumors for their own personal agenda are all reasons I have personally seen for people to say things that might be somewhat skewed in their interpretations. The "if I talk bad about them first, then they can’t talk bad about me next " syndrome.

There are also many reasons as to why people have good reputations that aren’t deserved. Perhaps they hold a position of power in the community and people feel that if they speak against this person it will hurt their own standing in some way~ so some stay quiet while people get hurt. Or may be only the “unimportant people” are getting hurt, so people do nothing.

I know from my experience it is difficult to give an honest reference about someone’s reputation. I don’t feel that I am at liberty to discuss how I feel about much of what I see except to a few very close and trusted confidants. I have experienced in the past someone asking for a reference on a dominant that I knew was abusive. I gave my opinion guardedly, explaining my concerns. The submissive, not wanting to hear what I had to say went with the person anyway, they are now married, and I am sure that the dominant knows everything I said.

That is the way with reputations, for the most part, when someone asks; they already know what they are going to do. If what you tell them is in odds with their lust~ lust will win ~ every time. Now I look like a gossip monger because I spoke about a reputation when I shouldn’t have.

I am not saying that something’s are not deserved, I am saying, look at the source and find things out for yourself. The demon may be a demon, but they also may be an angel.

If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area, please contact:

If you are interested in an online New Mexico Community check out:
group name: New Mexico Fetlifers