Friday, January 14, 2011

An honest talk about reputation.

When eve and I were first together, we were both surprised to find out that there were a ton of rumors about how I was abusing her. It had gotten to the point were at a party that she had attended without me she was pulled aside by some friends and told that she didn’t have to tolerate abuse and that she had a safe house if she would ever desire one. Who, you may ask , was spreading those rumors? eve’s previous domme. Unable to accept that eve had moved on to another relationship he decided to spread hateful rumors about my reputation in both the leather and poly communities. It took years to undo the damage.

Later when I was a title holder there were many people who blatantly disagreed with how I represented my title. I was doing things differently, and that challenged a lot of people. Even thought I ran my title with all that I thought was best, there was a lot of grumbling out there. To this day I still don’t understand.

So if you talk to those people about me, you will definitely get a juicy earful~ some truth, some not.

I think that is my point about reputations.

A while back in BDSM and leather history a reputation was vital to a person’s ability to move in the community. Communities were extremely small, segregated, and highly underground. A community opinion and known reputation was vital to a person’s existence, because without it you were denied entry, no exceptions. Now the community is expansive, varied and easier to enter, because of this reputations are also varied. Where a person is considered wonderful and skilled in one section of the community they may be viewed very differently in a different section.

The truth is that there are many reasons why people have bad reputations; they may be unsafe, unstable, unskilled, or dishonest about their experience and community standing. But there are also a lot of reasons why a bad reputation may be unwarranted. A spurned lover, a personality conflict, someone seeking attention, or someone purposefully spreading rumors for their own personal agenda are all reasons I have personally seen for people to say things that might be somewhat skewed in their interpretations. The "if I talk bad about them first, then they can’t talk bad about me next " syndrome.

There are also many reasons as to why people have good reputations that aren’t deserved. Perhaps they hold a position of power in the community and people feel that if they speak against this person it will hurt their own standing in some way~ so some stay quiet while people get hurt. Or may be only the “unimportant people” are getting hurt, so people do nothing.

I know from my experience it is difficult to give an honest reference about someone’s reputation. I don’t feel that I am at liberty to discuss how I feel about much of what I see except to a few very close and trusted confidants. I have experienced in the past someone asking for a reference on a dominant that I knew was abusive. I gave my opinion guardedly, explaining my concerns. The submissive, not wanting to hear what I had to say went with the person anyway, they are now married, and I am sure that the dominant knows everything I said.

That is the way with reputations, for the most part, when someone asks; they already know what they are going to do. If what you tell them is in odds with their lust~ lust will win ~ every time. Now I look like a gossip monger because I spoke about a reputation when I shouldn’t have.

I am not saying that something’s are not deserved, I am saying, look at the source and find things out for yourself. The demon may be a demon, but they also may be an angel.

If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area, please contact:

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group name: New Mexico Fetlifers

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