Leather Bear Tails: Culture Clash

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We aren't the only ones saying Slow the F* Down

‘Slow sex’ movement creates intimacy

You may have heard of slow food culture- opposing our fast food culture and the politics and power of that system.  Well, certainly I can appreciate this slow sex movement for parallel reasons.  The techniques in this article are quite simple, but powerful.

An easy way to improve your intimate connection may just involve breathing, eye contact and slowing the f**k down. 

Social Network -Disconnection or Interconnectedness?

I've posted before about feeling disconnected in a virtual world.  Do online connections and social networking help us feel more connected, or are we just turning into robots staring at flickering machines?

Several experiences brought new light to the question.  A Facebook connection brought me instantly closer to a distant friend, and two views of social networking and the digital age shed light on how we really can use technology for building relationships.

A recent connection via Facebook caught my attention.  A friend I'm not close to in everyday life wrote a post on a personal struggle she experienced and it touched me.  I reached out and we discussed intimate challenges in a way we never had before. 

I recognized if it weren't for timing, that connection wouldn't have been made.  Sure you may have 500 friends posting status updates everyday, but you don't see them all due to the timing of your connection with your friends online.  Could there be some serendipity to whose updates you see?    In a world where we can feel isolated, we can seize these digital connections and help real relationships grow.

A recent NY Times piece highlights that perhaps Facebook isn't so foreign from our day-to-day friendships after all.  While we can have 500 or 1000 friends on Facebook, Robin Dunbar points out the average is still close to 150.  It may be an illusion that we have more, superficial friendships and connections in a digital world, when in fact tools like Facebook merely connect us better with existing friends and communities.

The film Connected is featured at Sundance Film Festival in 2011 and looks to speak to these issues in a new way.  Filmmaker Tiffany Shlain points out we can acknowledge the world's interconnectedness, declare our interdependence and use our world of technology for good.  Connected also seeks to engage viewers and use the film for positive social impact.  Instead of viewing everyday life and digital interactions as juxtaposed or foreign from one another, the project invites us to use technology to deepen our connections.

How do you get the sex or relationship you want?

You talk about it. Helping people speak up about their relationship needs is one of the number one topics at Self Serve.

It's pretty amazing when you think about it: sometimes all you need to do is tell someone. But that is no simple task. There is so much shame, guilt, fear, and confusion wrapped up in our deepest sexual needs and fantasies. So many of us have fantasies and needs that are kept secret for years and years. We worry our partner will think we're crazy. He'll leave me. She'll mock me. He never would think of doing [xyz].

You'd be surprised.

Your partner, if they respect and truly care about you, wants to know the real you. They want to sincerely help you feel good. They want to support you living the life you want. And that includes what may seem like minor sexual curiosities or new fantasies. Whether you're curious about a role play involving a cop and robber arrest or just haven't used a vibrator before - it's okay. You are not the only one, and there's no shame in wanting to be more creative, play dress up or play with new toys. As long as your activities are safe, sane and consensual - it's okay.

You're never going to get the sex you want if you can't share with someone what that is. For those of us that are not living a leather lifestyle or active in a BDSM community, serious negotiation around sexual activities is not commonplace. But everyone can learn a lot from years of community activism and standards for creating fantasies in reality.

It takes some work to shift from the-same-sex-you've-been-having-for-years to something new. But that work can be fun and the communication you do to get there will enhance the trust and intimacy of that relationship.

Jay Wiseman, who wrote SM 101, will be teaching Negotiation as Foreplay at our shop September 21st. I am so excited to host this workshop. Many people, whether single, monogamous, poly, married and/or dating, are constantly asking us how to incorporate a new sex activity or keep it hot after years in a relationship or maybe after two weeks. This class is exactly what many of us need- a fun way to communicate about those new fantasies. I love that Jay calls himself a "negotiation fetishist." It may be nerdy, but getting to know the fantasies, boundaries and secrets of a play partner or lover are key to enjoying each other fully.

Feeling Virtually Connected, Yet Alone

Just pondering the brilliant juxtaposition of how the internet and modern technology can help me feel totally connected to people all over the world, yet at the same time I can be sitting quietly at a computer, totally alone. It's an odd reality.

The world can feel so small, yet far away. Connections are like soul food. I think of the new word I learned, guanxi. There are all kinds of relationships. The internet, facebook and instant media can connect us. But human contact is irreplaceable.

As a sex educator, I feel closer to people doing work like me. When the powers-that-be say no or sex information is hushed, we have a broader, worldwide support network.

It seems the organizing potential of our techie tools are leading to seemingly spontaneous, highly developed flash mobs and protests. How could organizers plan such events so subtly before?

Distant lovers can enjoy flirting and chemistry over a phone, video chat or email connection. More and more folks are finding the love of their life through dating websites.

I guess I like when such tools lead to live connections. Life.