Where is Your Line? About Consent.

It seems consent keeps coming up lately, and it's so exciting!

Why?  We live in a misogynistic rape culture where sexual harassment and sexual violence are way too common.  In said culture there are lots of us that of course still unapologetically want sex.  Consensual, beautiful, raw, tender, real, hot, naughty, vanilla and all-other-kinds of sex.  And consent needs to be a big ol' welcomed part of the deal.  Duh, right?

The consent discussion can open a can of worms about admitting what we want in a healthy, sex positive way.

This documentary and movement Where is Your Line? is bringing light, intrigue and intelligence to the discussion.  Get this film to your city, watch all the videos and bookmark the blog.  It's all awesome.

We're hosting a discussion on sex positive consent at Self Serve August 10 with educator Gabrielle from the Rape Crisis Center of NM.  Join us!

MILF Power! Support Sexy Moms

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Leather Bear Tails: The Invisible Woman: In Defense of Pro Dommes

When I first heard of the discrimination Pro Dommes faced when they enter into the BDSM, leather, and kink community, I thought, “This can’t be.” And even though I was told that this type of treatment is very wide spread I still felt that maybe these incidents were isolated. So I set about interviewing a group of Pro Dommes individually to try to round out my own understanding of what was happening. What I found surprised me, sometimes confused me with contradictions, and quite frankly completely challenged what I thought I knew and understood about this branch of the BDSM world and the women who exist within it. I realized many of my own biases. Upon reflection I realized that although I have never believed choosing to become a sex worker or a Pro Domme should be illegal, I have noticed that when I found myself in conflict with someone in the past who happened to be a sex worker or Pro Domme, I found it easier to look down on or dismiss them. Through these interviews I have begun to deal with my own sense of self-righteousness, and although I am not all the way there, I find that I am beginning to unpack my own attitudes on this topic and towards the people who classify themselves as sex workers and/or Pro Dommes.

I conducted interviews with numerous Dommes along the spectrum. Some were completely out and had websites and contact information readily available, others were very discreet. Some had spouses and children; others were single with no children. Some had clients that went back between 10 and 20 years and dealt only with a set client base; others had newer as well as older clients and continued to expand their client base. Some openly ran events, held titles, and taught classes while others refrained from engaging with the BDSM community at all due to prior experiences of outright aggression and hostility from it’s members. Some included sex with their clients, others did not.

While each Pro Domme had her preference of how to run her business, what revealed itself during these conversations were four commonalities on which they all agreed.

Every Pro Domme I interviewed agreed that the two most prevalent misconceptions about Pro Dommes are 1) they have sex all the time, and 2) they have no BDSM skills. To address the first misconception, what I found is that quite simply, some Pro Dommes choose to include sex with their clients and some do not. Some possess a strong sex drive in their private lives and some do not. And just because a woman is a Pro Domme does not automatically mean that sex comes with the package. Also, every interviewee agreed these misconceptions stem from the shift that occurred when sex workers of all types started picking up whips without knowing how to control and use them safely-- the result being they would sometimes hurt their clients in unintended ways. Unfortunately, the reputation of Pro Dommes was injured as well. As stories seeped out about inexperienced and uneducated sex workers hurting clients, it became widely believed that any sex worker or Pro Domme simply possessed no BDSM skills and was a danger or threat. In short, instead of looking at these as two different parts of sex work, as the highly skilled and unskilled, it became easier to lump everyone together.

Many of the Dommes I talked with were told either outright or through the grape vine that they could not possibly know anything about the lifestyle or BDSM because they did it for money, and that their very presence was a scourge and tarnished our leather and kink society.

So, let us take these attitudes apart.

I ask you, do people assume that I know nothing about my job because I do it for money? Let’s not forget here. Being a Pro Domme is a JOB. A job where quite frankly these women have more autonomy, higher pay and more flexible hours than many of us will ever know. They have a skill, a knowledge base and an ability that keeps their clients happy and coming back for years. Don’t you expect to get paid for your job? Sex workers compartmentalize their job the way we all do, we all have a professional self and a home self. Pro Dommes are no different.

As far as tarnishing our leather and kink community, I found that quite to the contrary, Pro Dommes by their very ability, are able to reach out to a section of the population that people in the lifestyle will never be able to know. There are many who will not become part of the public kink or leather community for their own reasons but still long for connection and a chance to safely explore. For these people, Pro Dommes help expand understanding of self, desire, BDSM, leather, and kink in ways that others simply cannot.

If you have a boil on your butt do you go down to the local carwash and ask for a wax and a lance? No, you go to a doctor. When you are being sued do you go down to the 24-hour drive through and order a burger and a consult with the head cook? No, you go to a lawyer. When you have deep seated psychological issues that get in the way of your daily function in life do you go to the guy who sells burritos out of the back of his van? No, you see a therapist. And when you need understanding, release, and privacy to expand on your own fantasies or desires that you yourself may not fully understand, and you have no one you trust to explore with, and due to your job, your life, or your family you cannot be seen in public you see a Pro Domme.

What is most revealing here and what we need to pay close attention to is that every woman named the same two misconceptions and cited the same root for these misconceptions. And in addition, every woman I spoke with identified with and practiced BDSM, leather, and kink in their private lives, and they all agreed that part of the discrimination against Pro Dommes stemmed from the conflicting attitudes regarding sexually empowered women in our culture. Also cited as a part of this discrimination was the social hierarchy that we are not immune to in the leather, kink, and BDSM culture. Some people are simply considered more “respectable” then others.

I would like to take this moment to say thank you to all the Pro Dommes out there. Thank you for fulfilling a need in our society, for touching a section of our society that many of us, myself included, cannot and are not qualified to do. Your work is both important and very real.

At the end of each interview I ask each Pro Domme to give me a message that they would like everyone to know. Here is what they had to say:

v “I apprenticed with two pros for a year before I worked on my own. One of my mentors told me early on to never let anyone convince me that what we do is not important; we often save people from decades of desperation and self-loathing. We help people judge themselves--and then hopefully others--with more compassion.”

v “Be yourself and stop worrying about what others are.”

v “Listen and ask questions of professional women before you judge them.”

v “It’s about the SM and not the sex.”

And finally, I would like to personally thank with my deepest gratitude, the Pro Dommes who took their time, effort, and energy to let me into their lives as they answered my questions with patience and candor. Mrs. B, Sera, Mistress M, and Mistress Sky, sincerely thank you.

If you are interested in power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in a very active online community find:

Fetlife.com

Group name

New Mexico Fetlifers

Rape is About Consent.

Update!  Some progress has been made and the bill is apparently less offensive (though still problematic) after much outrage on the language.  Read more here.

Tell Congress rape has to do with consent, not bruises and broken bones.

A far-reaching anti-choice bill, introduced by Republican Chris Smith and supported by 173 members of the House, includes a provision that could redefine rape in the realm of federal funding for reproductive health care.

Right now, federal dollars can't be used for abortion except in cases of rape, incest, or when the woman's life is in danger. But the Smith bill would narrow that use to "cases of 'forcible' rape but not statutory or coerced rape."

As far too many women know, bruises and broken bones do not define rape - a lack of consent does. Please sign the petition today.

Self Serve is all having pleasurable, healthy sex because you're excited about it.  Read more about consent here.

A letter to Dan Savage: Share your righteous anger with us

 
Pornotopia Film Festival fan, organizer and friend of Self Serve asks one of our favorites, Dan Savage, to hear our story of censorship in Albuquerque.  Elisa sent this letter to Dan, and her message is so important, we wanted to share it here:

Dear Dan,

I have been a fan of your work for more years than I can remember, and I have always appreciated your humor and direct approach to advising a variety of people in some…let’s just call them “interesting” situations. More recently, I have come to appreciate your righteous anger, especially since it is directed at deserving targets.

What prompts this letter is not so much a sexual problem, rather a problem with sex or, more specifically, the depiction of sex. I am one of the organizers of Pornotopia, an erotic film festival in Albuquerque, New Mexico started by the amazing ladies of Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center.

Pornotopia was conceived as a showcase for porn that is healthy, tender, raw, beautiful, and real, where pleasure is paramount and everybody gets off. We highlight independently produced porn, and we aim to please our hetero-, homo-, trans-, and just plain sexual audience.

For its first three years, Pornotopia ran a three-day program at the Guild Cinema in the Nob Hill section of Albuquerque. Before the first film ran, the festival and the Guild were threatened with citation for violation of zoning codes. Despite the Guild’s previous incarnation as a full-time adult theater, its current status as the town’s only independent movie theater was not congruent with the exhibition of adult entertainment.

The ACLU has been valiantly fighting for our right to an exemption to these zoning codes for this less-than-1%-of-the-year event. So far the zoning commission has argued that 10% of the city is appropriately zoned for our festival—except that this magical 10% is primarily warehouses and car dealerships and heavy industrial areas. For a multitude of reasons—not the least of which includes public safety mandated fire codes—these “appropriate” areas are not conducive to the needs of a film festival.

Our dedicated committee spent more than nine months scouring the city for a space that could legally and practically hold Pornotopia. When we finally found a downtown theater that simply needed an exemption to allow adult entertainment, we were told BY THE ZONING OFFICE it should be a simple process.

It was a mere month before the event that a third call to zoning yielded a big fucking hiccup.  A “downtown corridor revitalization” overlay prohibited even the possibility of an exemption for any venue downtown. This gentrification plan was already in play when we first contacted zoning and got the “should be a simple process” answer, but no one in the office seemed aware of its existence until we were ready to sign contracts.

We are only so grateful that the brakes were slammed on prior to signing contracts. And because we aren’t in the habit of bending over and taking it up the ass without a sufficient amount of lube and foreplay, we are holding a “Pornotopia Censored” event at our downtown location with live Burlesque/Boylesque, drag, and comedy performances in lieu of the actual film festival.

The Pornotopia 2010 festival is ready to roll when we find an appropriate home. At this point, it appears that home will be outside city limits. We could take the festival underground, or offer it online with the rest of the wide world of internet porn. But our purpose in holding Pornotopia in a public space is to remove the stigma of shame, to show how porn can educate and enlighten, and to take back the good name of porn and perverts everywhere. To step back into the alleys and shadows means to accept defeat, even if we are grudgingly allowed to show the films in this setting.

We never set out to be porn crusaders or to start a sexy revolution, but here we are on the frontlines of the fight for freedom of speech, and we’re looking for allies. No one is saying this isn’t porn; it’s hot and heavy hardcore fuck action, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. But we have a right to make this available to a consenting, adult audience, and our rights are being violated.

From one open-minded, sex-positive, fellow porn festival organizer to another, would you be kind enough to use your mighty forum to bring attention to this travesty of justice? We want to shine a national spotlight on our city’s restrictive zoning, shaming them as they would like to shame us. You can find more information at www.pornotopiafilmfestival.com, www.selfservetoys.com, or contact me at ptopiavolunteer@gmail.com.

Sincerely and passionately,

Elisa McGovern

On Psychology Today blog: Women DO Watch Porn and it's Okay!

Psychologist David Ley offers a healthy perspective on the not-so-scary reality of adults enjoying porn. He makes the critical connection between government regulation of sex information and entertainment and the unnecessary shame of enjoying it in our society. Thanks for the refreshing take on it!

I am Woman. Hear Me Get Censored!

Thank you, Brianna Stallings for posting this blog about the exhausting nitty-gritty of facebook censorship. It's hard to roar (with a community of 1300 fans) when they delete our Self Serve fan page.

No, I won't wash my vagina for a raise, thanks.

One of the funniest and most enraging blog posts I saw recently was on Daily Kos citing an amazing advertising message: Want a raise? Wash Your Vagina!

I love when advertisers or companies are so far gone they aren't even seeing the ridiculousness of their message anymore. This ad offers the number one way for a woman to feel more confident. No, not just confident on her next blind date. If she's looking for confidence in asking for a raise at work, she should first and foremost use a chemical douche product. That is the offensive and insulting message Summer's Eve is sharing with women in full-page, made-to-look-like-editorial content ad.

I was shocked and appalled to the point of head-shaking laughter. I don't write enough protest letters lately, so I did this time. Below are my letter and the responses from Summer's Eve and Woman's Day Magazine.

Here is my letter:

Wow.

There is offensive advertising, and OFFENSIVE advertising. You took the scented cake with the recent full page ad in Woman's Day.

As a business woman, I am appalled that you would suggest women MUST wash with unhealthy intimate soaps and scents in order to get a raise! Appalled. When would you EVER see an ad suggesting men need to wash their genitals in order to get a raise? I'm pretty sure intimate hygiene doesn't go on your CV.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. It's one thing if you simply offered sensitive-skin, non-toxic products for vulva wash for women who want it, but it's entirely offensive to suggest that such a regimen is required at work.

Women have enough anxiety and self hatred about natural, healthy vulva appearance and scent. How dare you also suggest their job depends on it. Shame on you. One more reason I will boycott and bad mouth your products. I own a sexuality resource center and help women
every day feel more confident and better about their bodies. We tell women every day how they do not need to douche or wash with irritating soaps on their vulva. Many of your products lead to
yeast infections and irritation, making women even more susceptible to STIs at times.

I hope you'll pull this ad campaign and seriously re-think your message.

Thank you for your time,
Molly Adler

Here is the response from Summer's Eve:

Dear Ms. Adler,

Thank you for contacting us to express your discontent with the recent
Summer's Eve advertisement in Women's Day magazine.

CB Fleet and the Summer's Eve brand have the utmost respect for women.
While we understand how some may come to an alternative conclusion
regarding our recent advertisement, that was never our intention.
Summer's Eve apologizes if this advertisement in any way offended anyone
and will take immediate steps to remove it from further circulation.

Kindest regards,

Jessica
Summer's Eve Feminine Care Specialist

From Woman's Day:

Molly, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. Please know that the piece you are referring to is a paid advertisement and in no way reflects the opinions of the Woman’s Day editorial staff and regret that some were offended by the ad. The client is aware of the situation and has taken steps to apologize on their own. Meanwhile, we do hope that you found the editorial in the issue insightful and helpful.

E. M.

I get the sense the Daily Kos post going viral may actually make a difference here. Except for the fact that magazine ads most likely get placed months in advance, I hope they'll think twice about this campaign again. It's always refreshing when media claim no blame in what they allow in advertisements. As a sexuality resource center owner and someone who has to pay for advertising, I know for a fact magazines have a say in what's published in ads.

If you are feeling defensive and thinking of the sensitive wash you have upstairs in your shower right now, don't fret. There is nothing wrong with washing external genitalia with mild or ph-balanced soap. But some feminine washes may do much more harm than good. Internally, it's important to remind women that the vagina is in fact self-cleaning and usually doesn't appreciate harsh soaps, scents and detergents. At Self Serve we found a great line of vulva-friendly products for when you do feel the need to refresh. Perhaps after sex or exercise, though, not necessarily before a job interview.

Sexy Resources

I am so proud of our resource links at Self Serve. We can't help but share all the amazing sex and relationship resources online. So don't let them go to waste. Learn something new. Garner trivia to impress your friends. Find community for all sorts of folks.

The newest links on our site are for two super-popular topics: fertility & open relationships.

More Sex Ed, Not Sex Drugs...

Every day at Self Serve we help women and men with sex and relationship challenges. We put a sex positive spin on peoples' outlooks. We encourage education, trying new activities and honest communication. It's amazing how these sex and relationship skills, skills no one is taught in school, can do wonders for boosting ones' sex life.

But I don't believe the latest brain drug Flibanserin can guarantee the same results.

There’s a lot of controversy surrounding Flibanserin, and it's going for approval at the FDA tomorrow. Look. It’s not that I don’t want to find a magic pill that brings women and men desire. It’s just that I know it’s not that simple. That is why I hope the FDA will vote no on this particular drug.

When the majority of women still don’t understand their own basic sexual anatomy, there are some vital steps missing when we jump to pharmaceutical solutions. That, and 6 months of research on a brain drug that offers maybe "one more sexually satisfying event" per month just isn't enough to convince me.

It's refreshing when medical research states the obvious truth. For example, one 2003 study "emphasizes the [importance of] psychological and social issues that contribute to sexual distress in women and propose that we further examine the distinction between “dysfunction” and “reaction to circumstances.” A stressed, busy, tired working woman may not get off or get turned on at the drop of a hat. Or pants for that matter. Ask any woman and she will probably confirm "circumstances" of her life are relevant to if she's in the mood.

A recent Portuguese study really hits the nail (er, clit?) on the head. The article proposes that “it is possible that in the vast majority of cases in which a clinician would administer a diagnosis of FSAD [Female Sexual Dysfunction], that if more effective stimulation were applied, arousal may not be impaired, and the FSAD diagnosis would not be given.” In laywoman's terms: If her partner could perhaps learn how to better stimulate his ladyfriend, there would be no medical problem in her capacity for pleasure. There are many ways to find effective stimulation without a prescription. She's not broken, people. It's just that no one read the manual.

Feminist sources I respect are mocking those of us against flibanserin, but they're getting it wrong. I think Lisa Cullen summed it up best in describing the disappointing results of the clinical trials.

Hopefully the controversy of unsuccessful drugs for female sexual pleasure will at least raise the topic in our national consciousness. The debate for or against the big business of medicalized sex may get my panties in a bunch, but at least female pleasure is getting some attention!