Bisexuality Gets Visible in Health Care

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Leather Bear Tails: Safety then vs. Safety now

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Leather Bear Tails: The Invisible Woman: In Defense of Pro Dommes

When I first heard of the discrimination Pro Dommes faced when they enter into the BDSM, leather, and kink community, I thought, “This can’t be.” And even though I was told that this type of treatment is very wide spread I still felt that maybe these incidents were isolated. So I set about interviewing a group of Pro Dommes individually to try to round out my own understanding of what was happening. What I found surprised me, sometimes confused me with contradictions, and quite frankly completely challenged what I thought I knew and understood about this branch of the BDSM world and the women who exist within it. I realized many of my own biases. Upon reflection I realized that although I have never believed choosing to become a sex worker or a Pro Domme should be illegal, I have noticed that when I found myself in conflict with someone in the past who happened to be a sex worker or Pro Domme, I found it easier to look down on or dismiss them. Through these interviews I have begun to deal with my own sense of self-righteousness, and although I am not all the way there, I find that I am beginning to unpack my own attitudes on this topic and towards the people who classify themselves as sex workers and/or Pro Dommes.

I conducted interviews with numerous Dommes along the spectrum. Some were completely out and had websites and contact information readily available, others were very discreet. Some had spouses and children; others were single with no children. Some had clients that went back between 10 and 20 years and dealt only with a set client base; others had newer as well as older clients and continued to expand their client base. Some openly ran events, held titles, and taught classes while others refrained from engaging with the BDSM community at all due to prior experiences of outright aggression and hostility from it’s members. Some included sex with their clients, others did not.

While each Pro Domme had her preference of how to run her business, what revealed itself during these conversations were four commonalities on which they all agreed.

Every Pro Domme I interviewed agreed that the two most prevalent misconceptions about Pro Dommes are 1) they have sex all the time, and 2) they have no BDSM skills. To address the first misconception, what I found is that quite simply, some Pro Dommes choose to include sex with their clients and some do not. Some possess a strong sex drive in their private lives and some do not. And just because a woman is a Pro Domme does not automatically mean that sex comes with the package. Also, every interviewee agreed these misconceptions stem from the shift that occurred when sex workers of all types started picking up whips without knowing how to control and use them safely-- the result being they would sometimes hurt their clients in unintended ways. Unfortunately, the reputation of Pro Dommes was injured as well. As stories seeped out about inexperienced and uneducated sex workers hurting clients, it became widely believed that any sex worker or Pro Domme simply possessed no BDSM skills and was a danger or threat. In short, instead of looking at these as two different parts of sex work, as the highly skilled and unskilled, it became easier to lump everyone together.

Many of the Dommes I talked with were told either outright or through the grape vine that they could not possibly know anything about the lifestyle or BDSM because they did it for money, and that their very presence was a scourge and tarnished our leather and kink society.

So, let us take these attitudes apart.

I ask you, do people assume that I know nothing about my job because I do it for money? Let’s not forget here. Being a Pro Domme is a JOB. A job where quite frankly these women have more autonomy, higher pay and more flexible hours than many of us will ever know. They have a skill, a knowledge base and an ability that keeps their clients happy and coming back for years. Don’t you expect to get paid for your job? Sex workers compartmentalize their job the way we all do, we all have a professional self and a home self. Pro Dommes are no different.

As far as tarnishing our leather and kink community, I found that quite to the contrary, Pro Dommes by their very ability, are able to reach out to a section of the population that people in the lifestyle will never be able to know. There are many who will not become part of the public kink or leather community for their own reasons but still long for connection and a chance to safely explore. For these people, Pro Dommes help expand understanding of self, desire, BDSM, leather, and kink in ways that others simply cannot.

If you have a boil on your butt do you go down to the local carwash and ask for a wax and a lance? No, you go to a doctor. When you are being sued do you go down to the 24-hour drive through and order a burger and a consult with the head cook? No, you go to a lawyer. When you have deep seated psychological issues that get in the way of your daily function in life do you go to the guy who sells burritos out of the back of his van? No, you see a therapist. And when you need understanding, release, and privacy to expand on your own fantasies or desires that you yourself may not fully understand, and you have no one you trust to explore with, and due to your job, your life, or your family you cannot be seen in public you see a Pro Domme.

What is most revealing here and what we need to pay close attention to is that every woman named the same two misconceptions and cited the same root for these misconceptions. And in addition, every woman I spoke with identified with and practiced BDSM, leather, and kink in their private lives, and they all agreed that part of the discrimination against Pro Dommes stemmed from the conflicting attitudes regarding sexually empowered women in our culture. Also cited as a part of this discrimination was the social hierarchy that we are not immune to in the leather, kink, and BDSM culture. Some people are simply considered more “respectable” then others.

I would like to take this moment to say thank you to all the Pro Dommes out there. Thank you for fulfilling a need in our society, for touching a section of our society that many of us, myself included, cannot and are not qualified to do. Your work is both important and very real.

At the end of each interview I ask each Pro Domme to give me a message that they would like everyone to know. Here is what they had to say:

v “I apprenticed with two pros for a year before I worked on my own. One of my mentors told me early on to never let anyone convince me that what we do is not important; we often save people from decades of desperation and self-loathing. We help people judge themselves--and then hopefully others--with more compassion.”

v “Be yourself and stop worrying about what others are.”

v “Listen and ask questions of professional women before you judge them.”

v “It’s about the SM and not the sex.”

And finally, I would like to personally thank with my deepest gratitude, the Pro Dommes who took their time, effort, and energy to let me into their lives as they answered my questions with patience and candor. Mrs. B, Sera, Mistress M, and Mistress Sky, sincerely thank you.

If you are interested in power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in a very active online community find:

Fetlife.com

Group name

New Mexico Fetlifers

May is Masturbation Month. Do Your Part(s).

We're not kidding, and we didn't make it up.  Better than any hallmark-imposed celebratory month, Masturbation Month May is a perfect way to energize for spring and start great conversations at the water cooler!

It all started in San Francisco, of course, when Good Vibrations wanted to support the cause and healthy results of masturbation.  In 1994 Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders rightly suggested masturbation is a safe and healthy sex practice for young people.  For that radical statement, she lost her job.  I love that in a 2005 interview, Elders told CNN, she would do it all over again, too.

In 2008, Self Serve hosted the film Passion and Power: The Technology of Orgasm at the Guild Cinema.  We also sponsored the first masturbate-a-thon in New Mexico.  And yes... a woman did win the contest. 

Why Masturbation Month?

No, it's not a sneaky plot to sell more vibrators or make people giggle.  Masturbation is one of the most healthy, safe and educational activities a human can experience.  There are lots of positive aspects to masturbating.  Yet even today it is still embarrassing, shame-filled and taboo to talk about.  Just about everyone does it, but nobody talks about it.  Not until Masturbation Month that is!

Self Serve is celebrating with a sale at our Albuquerque shop and a discount for online shoppers this month.  Use coupon code maylove for 15% a one-time order, or shop our store for sales all month long.

Hint!  May 15th is double-discount day at the shop!  Stop by to enjoy... then go home and enjoy more!

Some great facts and benefits about masturbating:

• Masturbating is safe sex
• Don't wait for someone else to do it for you - Take pleasure into your own hands
• No risk of pregnancy
• Enjoy sex without having to please a partner
• Learn what turns you on
• Get to know how your body works
• Show a partner what you like
• Relax before bedtime or take a well-deserved study break
• Enjoy the health benefits of orgasmic fun!  Fewer migraines, relaxation, lower blood pressure, and the list goes on!

Please Prepare for Take Off

An excellent visual aid for safer sex tips!

From designers Leo Chan, Eric Fung, Joseph Lau and Cyan Koo who submitted this fun illustration proposal to Designboom in 2010.

Feminist Debate on Julian Assange's Sexual Assault Allegations

Watch feminist writers and activists Jaclyn Friedman and Naomi Wolf debate the sexual assault allegations on Julian Assange on a recent Democracy Now.   Their unfinished discussion highlights the confusion and lack of clarity on how to define consent for many.  Friedman rightfully suggests affirmative, continual consent is required for consensual sexual activity.    Check out her book Yes Means Yes! for a sex positive approach to a world without rape.

The political, reactionary context of Assange's situation must make any fair case even more challenging for the two women who've accused him.

Read more from Jaclyn Friedman about the realities of rape and why allegations should never be swept under the rug.

Rockin' Sex Ed from MTV

MTV Shows

I like this guy.

It's rad that MTV with all its pregnant-teen-mom shows has hip and accurate sex ed info online!  I'm down to see rock stars giving sane advice about safer sex.

The French Make Awesome Safer Sex Commercials

When the government and NGOs do talk about safer sex, hilarious and awesome things come of it.

Check out another hilarious one on youtube where a parent seems just a wee bit frustrated. Apparently this commercial won best in Europe.

Sex ed is critical to the under 18 set

When we teach sexuality workshops or visit classes at University of New Mexico I always survey students on their sex ed experience. I ask how many had sex ed in schools. The response ranges from 5% to maybe 25%. These are adults, born in the late eighties, mostly having attended abstinence only sex education.

Then I ask, "How many of you learned something in school sex ed that actually helped you on a date or with an intimate partner later on?" Hands go down and they all laugh. Young people find sex ed today laughable in terms of relevance.

This is probably not a shock to anyone reading this... or breathing. Of course we all know where kids get information about sex- friends, the media, and mostly, the internet.

Of course with all the regulations about who can access sex toys and information, selfservetoys.com is officially 18 plus only. But we find it critical to offer resources to younger folks. This under 18 resource page is very important to us. And the top site is struggling to stay afloat.

Scarleteen has been my favorite under 18 sex ed website since I can remember. The site is fun, hip, down-to-earth and full of reliable information. Within the first paragraph on their homepage, they cover curious topics such as gender identity, the foreskin, female and male anatomy and vaginal discharge. So many things we wonder about daily.

So help this awesome sex website stay strong and kickin'! Donate, volunteer or at least explore Scarleteen for the first time, no matter how grown up you are.

One of the easiest ways to improve sex all the time...

Keep your Fluids Topped Off!

Lubricants

One of the easiest ways to make any sexual activity more comfortable and more pleasurable is to simply add lube! Many women experience discomfort during intercourse and other insertive sex due to vaginal dryness. Many things affect how much we self-lubricate. Hormone levels, many prescription drugs, common anti-histamines, being pregnant, getting chemotherapy and a whole lot of other normal situations cause a lack of lubrication. Just because you may be ‘turned on’ does not guarantee that natural lubrication will ‘turn on’ and flow.

It is the 21st century, and that means there is no need to ‘make your own’ anymore! Lube can make lots of activities more fun; both by yourself and with a partner. There are many brands and types of lube out there. Some have ingredients that are good for your body, some have tasty flavors, and some might not be so good if you have sensitive skin. Keep in mind that any oil lubricant can deteriorate latex and is not compatible with condoms, gloves and dental dams. Among the many choices, there are a couple basic types of lube out there. Shop wisely and try samples to see what you like. Use the info below to narrow down your choices, then experiment and take home some fun homework assignments!

Water-Based Lubricants

Many lubricants are water-based, which is why after awhile you may notice they seem to get absorbed or dry out. These lubes tend to dry up sooner, but clean up quickly. Some water-based lubes contain glycerin, a type of sugar. Glycerin often makes lubricant taste better, but unfortunately causes lots of yeast infections for sensitive folks.

Some water-based lubes are more creamy and realistic, some may be light and watery, and some are thicker, heavier gels. Thicker lubricants tend to last longer and coat the body better.

Popular glycerin-free water-based lubes include Liquid Silk which is creamy and light. Maximus is clear and thick like hair gel. Lubes like Maximus are a smart choice for anal sex and longer activity. Natural options include Sympathical Organics in original and raspberry or peach flavors. Using old-fashioned lube like KY is not recommended, as their products are full of sugars.

Silicone-Based Lubricants

Silicone is the wave of the future! These lubes feel like massage oil, but are condom compatible, unlike oil products. If you like the slick feel of oil, silicone may be great for you. Both thick and thin silicone lubes feel like microscopic ball bearings, creating almost friction free sensation. It barely gets absorbed, so it lasts a long time. Silicone even stays put in the pool or hot tub! Keep in mind that means you need more soap and water to get it off for good.

Silicone is a good choice for hand jobs and anal sex. And because it feels like massage oil, it is a safer choice for all-over body massage when condoms, dental dams or gloves are used. For a fun new activity, drip some silicone lube onto any body parts and rub together! You’ll have a whole new idea of “slip and slide.” If you use silicone toys often, then silicone lube is not compatible and could damage your toys. The silicone lubricant may be impossible to get off the toys, so stick to water-based lube or use condoms!

A great thick silicone lube is Pjur Eros – made by the first experts in silicone lubricants.

Safer sex and Other lubes…

Vaseline, lotions, petroleum based products, etc.

Back in the day, people may have used the Vaseline in the cabinet when nothing else was available. That use of Vaseline should stay in the past, because any petrolatum or petroleum-based product is bad for your body! Gasoline puns are fine, but do not be using gasoline products in or on your sensitive parts!

And if you are in a bind and want to use your body lotion as a lube, it is not the safest choice. Body and face lotions are designed for the outside of your body. These products are designed to quickly absorb, and are not tested for internal use. Even for a little self-lovin’ there are lots of sensitive mucus membranes in and near your genitalia that will quickly soak up such lotions.

Important!

When you see ads for clitoral stimulating cream, vaginal tighteners, stay-hard creams, penis growth lotions or anal easing lotions, please be wary. These products are designed to fight your body’s natural intuitive response to pain, discomfort and pacing. There are no magic buttons or lotions that will give anyone an instant orgasm, make their cock larger or harder, or make anal intercourse immediately comfortable. These creams use steroids, muscle tighteners and anesthetic to function. When your body says something hurts, stop or take a break it is best that you listen. There are other ways to have a tighter vaginal squeeze or make anal sex enjoyable. Your body already has the potential for amazing sensations and experiences so don’t waste money on these unhealthy, unsafe and unreliable novelties! Keep in mind any stimulating creams that contain L-Arginine may cause herpes outbreaks.

Read more about smart, safe sex here.

Safety is about more than condoms!

Use Lube…

When it comes to sex the rule to live and love by is—THE WETTER THE BETTER! Not only does a good lube make sex feel marvelously better for all parties involved—it actually makes sex safer. Lube cuts down on friction and irritation and reduces the risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections. If you’re using condoms lube reduces the risk of breakage. Lube makes sex last longer and feel better—so keep it slippery!

Leave the handcuffs for the professionals…

We can’t tell you how many people ask for handcuffs. They seem to be the perfect sexcessory; they’re hot, familiar, and inexpensive. they can cause nerve damage, which is totally not hot! The bones in your wrist are fragile and delicate and are covered in very little padding. A cop scene might be fun until your wrists start feeling numb and you realize you’ll have to explain your injuries to a physical therapist. If you have visions of being handcuffed to your bedpost try using leather or fabric restraints instead. They feel better and you can be a bad girl all night long.

Butt seriously…

If you're going to put something up your butt—make sure you can get it back! If you are into backdoor action (and right on for enjoying ALL of your body—you enlightened stud) than you need to be smart about your choice of sexcessories. Unlike the sweet cul-de-sac of the vagina your butt is a two lane highway. The sad truth is that once something starts traveling up your butt, it might not be inclined to come out the way it came in. Specifically, if you don't use a toy with a flared base or flange than you might end up in the ER explaining that the buzzing is NOT your cell phone ringing. Make sure you use the proper toys for the job because you have to take care of your prized assets: yourself. We encourage creative play, butt please choose toys that are meant for your booty.

If something hurts—stop it

A lot of people believe they should "ride it out" and that sex hurting or even feeling uncomfortable is normal. Some even use products that numb or desensitize, such as analeze, to cause a disconnect from their bodies during sex. This can be incredibly dangerous, not to mention a waste of time. Pain is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong and that damage is being done. Sex should never hurt. Trust your body's messages to you and sex will be a safe and enjoyable experience. It might take a bit more time, patience, and communication but sex will be much better for everybody. Instead of focusing on when sex is less painful and less dysfunctional, try thinking about the potential for more exciting pleasure, relaxation and passion in your life. You deserve it!

A caution about jelly rubber - phthalates-free and latex-free sex toys:

Any toy made of rubbers is porous and cannot be totally sterilized once used. Rubber sometimes contains latex or phthalates, softeners used in production. Research shows that phthalates may cause cancer. Any person with chemical sensitivities and latex allergies should avoid jelly rubber. These toys are often less expensive, but are often of lesser quality. Store rubber toys by themselves, as their material may react to other rubbers and plastics.

Keep in mind, Self Serve carries only bodysafe sex toys, and NONE of our toys contain phthalates! Read more about phthalates and how Self Serve celebrates earth day every day. Learn more about toxins from the Coalition Against Toxic Toys.