How to Keep your Sex Life Sizzling

Self Serve Sex Advice on SuburbanWoman.net

Read our interview, some accessible sex tips and grab a coupon code below...

Don’t worry—we asked!  To find out everything from the latest sex toys to how to have a long-lasting sex life, we got in touch with Molly Adler, sexuality educator and co-owner of Albuquerque’s Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center, offering high-end, safe sex toys.  Shop them online at www.selfservetoys.com.



Suburban Woman: How can I feel more excited and ready for intercourse?

Molly Adler: An easy way to make any sexual activity more pleasurable is to simply add lube!  Many women experience discomfort during intercourse because of vaginal dryness, which can be caused by hormone levels, prescription drugs, anti-histamines, pregnancy, menopause, chemotherapy and a whole lot of other normal situations.  Just because you’re “turned on” doesn’t guarantee the natural lubrication will flow.  It’s the 21st century, and there’s no need to “make your own” anymore!  Look for lubricants without glycerin.  It’s a sugar and cheap filler that can lead to stickiness and yeast infections.  No thanks!

SW: What’s the best way and time to raise delicate sex issues with your partner?

Molly: So many of us have fantasies and needs that are kept secret for years.  We worry our partner will think we’re crazy… he’ll leave me… she’ll never try that.  You’d be surprised!  Your partner wants to know the real you.  They want to help you feel good!  Whether you’re curious about role playing, involving a cop and robber arrest, or just want to talk about increasing pleasure, it’s okay.

It’s important to start the conversation in a safe place, where the pressure of performance isn’t right in front of you.  Don’t wait until you’re about to jump in bed!  Talk during a quiet breakfast or on a walk in the neighborhood.  Explain that you need your partner to listen and want the lines of communication to be open.  Make sure to touch and make eye contact.  Follow up later and set aside time to try that new activity.

SW: What are some ways to keep the spark going during a busy day?

Molly: As busy women, we are over-committed and stressed out.  It's hard to remember or make time for sexy talk or romantic moments when we're rushing around all day.  Here are a few ways to create little sexy moments throughout even the busiest week for you and your partner.

• Write a love note and put it in the lunch bag or briefcase.
• Tell your partner what you want to do later with a dry erase pen on the bathroom mirror.
• Underline your favorite parts of an erotica book.  Read sections out loud to each other later.
• Kiss for at least 10 seconds once a day.  You'll be surprised how long and luxurious 10 seconds can feel!
• Create a code word for romantic time and use it freely in public.  For example, "I'd love to meet up with Mr. Jones later tonight..."
• Plan two date nights and take turns planning the details.
• Pass each other naughty notes during lunch at a restaurant, a meeting or family gathering.  Just don't get caught!
 

SW: How can you have an amazing, long-lasting sex life with your partner?

Molly: A big part of maintaining a great sex life over time is your attitude toward sex and your relationship.  So many of us have insecurities about pleasing our partners or looking hot.  Throw that out the window.  As adults, we don’t get to play and have fun as much in everyday life.  Sex is truly the one area where we can let loose, be silly, enjoy what feels good and have fun.  This sort of playfulness can be the key to keeping sex interesting and keeping your partner interested in you.  Prerequisites include an open mind and the possibility that you’ll try some things you won’t like.  Then the world is your oyster.

Inspired to try something new?  Use coupon code sw411 and save 10% on your next Self Serve order.

The Southwest is Saucy with Sex Advice

Local Educator and Writer Julian Wolf provides sex advice in a great local column on Saucy Southwest.  If you're not familiar with the site, definitely check it out for on-demand feminist porn, sex tips, resources, links and more.

Julian recently had two questions that are sadly super common at Self Serve and all over.  In her last column readers asked about getting off with a partner and if one's labia looks 'normal.'

Of course the first question was complex, and Julian gave a helpful answer.  It's challenging that sexuality isn't simple, so of course the answer wasn't simple.  Why isn't this woman able to get off easily with her partner?  It could be due to lots of reasons.  I would add to Julian's advice that her conundrum may have to do with fear or shame of some kind.  She mentions having no problem physically getting off by herself, which is a great sign.  Another possibility is that she gets stuck in her head and detached from her erotic self when in the presence of a sex partner.  Many women experience their own variety of performance anxiety.  In a frustrating cycle, once she thinks she can't get off, she gets more stressed and the experience can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.   If we're stuck in our heads obsessing over reaching orgasm or relaxing, we aren't really present or relaxed.

As Julian said, it could be many factors, and neither of us can know for sure via an advice column.  I am grateful for resources like Self Serve, where women like her can talk it out with our Sexuality Educators, and many books or sensual tools we offer.  A great book for women dealing with these sorts of challenges is Becoming Orgasmic.  Local folks can rent the accompanying DVD, as well.

I'm proud and pleased that Julian shared a recent Self Serve video with the next inquirer.  There is a scary trend afoot where women are getting unnecessary labiaplasty cosmetic surgery to alter completely normal labia shape or size.  I'm confident AW who wrote this question has the most beautiful, healthy labia in the world.  As I say in our video, labia are like butterflies or snowflakes.  They are all unique and beautiful just the way they are.

Rethinking Creep

Creep, creeper, heebby-geebies, you just know when you feel it. What makes a creep? Why is it so hard to define? Clarisse Thorn writes "Why Do We Demonize Men Who Are Honest About Their Sexual Needs?" asking women to think how the term creep.



How does a guy express sexual interest without coming off as a creep? Our dominant culture that makes talking about sex taboo. Coupled that with pressure on guys to be the initiators, what's a caring guy to do? Charlie Glickman Suggests 5 tips for men.

I use 'creep' to refer to a situation where a person unconsentually puts their sexual desires in the social, emotional, or physical space of someone(s) else. A creep does not respect boundaries. When boundaries are unstated, creeps don't ask for clarification. Creeps often come off as awkward or shifty.

Although, as Thorn points out, women can generalize any open and honest communication about sexuality as creepy. Open and honest communication about sex, desire is uncommon in our society, so it would make sense for it to feel odd or uncomfortable at first (especially amidst all the sex negative message we receive daily). If sex positivity is the goal then we all need to get used to talking about sex in appropriate consentual situations. Of course, being mindful about context is important. Having a loud conversation about masturbation sleeves in line at the zoo with young kids and families around you might make your date or fellow zoo-goers uncomfortable. I think we should be open about bodies, sex, sexuality, but there are cultural expectations for public spaces. You wouldn't poop on the sidewalk or get on the city bus naked (not to mention, those two acts are illegal).

Moral of the story, is consent. Be considerate and communicative, not creepy.

Sexy Resources

I am so proud of our resource links at Self Serve. We can't help but share all the amazing sex and relationship resources online. So don't let them go to waste. Learn something new. Garner trivia to impress your friends. Find community for all sorts of folks.

The newest links on our site are for two super-popular topics: fertility & open relationships.

Prostate Pleasure By: Bettie Templeton

Hello Friends of the Prostate!
If you've decided to read this, you're either playing with the prostate already and want to know a little more, or you may be thinking about trying it for the first time. Either way, we hope this information helps you to relax and have some fantastic fun!


The prostate is a small gland tucked below the bladder, and is commonly compared to the size of a walnut (the author who most likely enjoyed a Fancy Nut Assortment amidst an intimate date). The prostate surrounds the urethra (which is why swollen prostates can make one need to pee more frequently) and can be massaged somewhat outside the body but the strongest sensation comes from an internal massage.



Yes, internal...which means its time to start relaxing your rear!
Start with some foreplay by gently rubbing around the anus. Use a smooth, thick lubricant like Maximus or Slippery Stuff Gel. Keep in mind your butt provides no lubrication, so add your own! Start soft and if it feels nice you can always make it a little more vigorous. Think of relaxing the muscles in and around your butt. You might be surprised how much tension you feel. Those muscles help hold us upright all day and are one of the first places we squeeze when we're stressed or nervous. Your butt deserves a relaxing vacation. That's what this is all about.
Once your butt feels sufficiently romanced (which could be a while... be patient and enjoy!), it's time to try some internal fun. Just slide your finger (or a small toy like the Butty plug, the Joy Stick or Nexus Glide) in slowly.



Don't rush things! Breathe deeply and calmly. You may feel a few jumps in tension, especially if you've never done this before, but just remember that you're doing this for fun and for yourself. If it hurts, stop and try massaging yourself a little more and adding some more lube. This shouldn't be painful!
The prostate isn't very far inside your body. Generally speaking it can be found within two to three inches if you press gently towards the front of the body. It might take a moment or two to find, so make sure you do this at a time when you don't have to rush anything. If you are doing this to your partner, you should be searching for a walnut-sized firm bump and always keep talking to your partner to find out how he's feeling. You might know when you find it by a sudden gasp, which is always fun! If you're trying to do this to yourself, look for the same signs but you'll probably know when you've found it.


So now that you've found it, what do you do? Go out for ice cream? I suppose you could, but you may find a gentle massage a little more rewarding. You can always get ice cream, after all.
Exploring your butt and prostate fun may be something for many future encounters or only special occasions - you decide. A simple, gentle, lubricated anal massage may be a new relaxing activity for you and stimulating that prostate may be a whole new way to reach rocking orgasm.
When playing with your butt or that of a friend, remember the three tenets of anal play:

• Relaxation
• Lubrication
• Communication

Your butt does not lie. If something hurts, stop it. If you want smaller, gentler, harder, wetter, bigger or whatever -make sure to share that with your playmates! Most of all remember to have fun.

Explore anal sex toys and lubricants online...

Fun with Cock Rings!

Cock rings are a fun way to add intensity to an erection and accessorize your johnson. Cock rings (also called penis rings) bind the penis and testicles. This traps blood in the penis, which can result in added engorgement, greater sensitivity, and a firmer erection. Many men report that orgasms are more intense and explosive. While wearing a cock ring can make erections firmer or last longer, cock rings are a sensual accessory and not a "cure" for erectile difficulties. Every person is unique, and what works for one person may not be as fun for another.

Features & Benefits

Cock rings come in many styles, from stretchy latex or silicone to some that vibrate for playing with others. Vibrating cock ring toys can be wonderful additions during anal or vaginal sex for arousing a nearby clitoris or anus. Good styles to try are easy to remove and adjust. These cock rings can be put on at any time during an erection.

The How To’s

To use a cock ring, strap it around the base of the penis and behind the testicles. Secure the strap as snugly as is comfortable. If you are using a cock ring that is not adjustable, put it on when your penis is flaccid. Use some lube around the ring so that your short and curlies don't get pulled. Hold the ring under your balls and insert your testicles one at a time. Now push the penis through. The only way it will come off is if you lose your erection. We don't recommend the metal rings for cock ring newbies.

We recommend removing the cock ring after a maximum of 20 minutes. Spending too long with a cock ring on can damage the capillaries and bruise the penis, leaving you sore for a few days. Cock rings aren't recommended for anyone with vascular disease, such as diabetes, or nerve disease. Like any activity, if something hurts or you feel uncomfortable, stop and remove the cock ring.

What’s out there…

At Self Serve we carry Simple Single Strap rings made of leather with snaps or velcro. These go on or off easily and are adjustable in size. Stretchy rubber rings are forgiving and are great for first-timers. Keep in mind stretchy cock rings are not appropriate for use in strap-on harnesses. Non-stretch latex rings are inexpensive, too, but less forgiving for first time users. Metal cock rings are sexy, shiny, and hard and definitely for experts only. Prices range from $1.95 to $11.95 each for rubber, silicone and leather cock rings.

Vibrating and textured cock rings are available and make excellent partner toys. Self Serve has many options for nubby, soft, stimulating textures & vibrations. Our stretchy silicone ring has a finger-sized area of soft little bumps to rub up against the clit during sex. It's only $12.95 and feels lovely covered in your favorite lube. The stretchy elastomer Neo Ring ($39.95) vibrates every time it's pushed or up against somebody. This makes for hot hands-free vibration! One of our most popular, powerful partner toys is the Joy Ride ($44.95). This bullet vibrator has 6 fun settings -with adjustable vibrations, speeds and pulsations. The elastomer, phthalate-free cockring is soft & provides a wide areas of vibration in between bodies.

More sex tips online...

One of the easiest ways to improve sex all the time...

Keep your Fluids Topped Off!

Lubricants

One of the easiest ways to make any sexual activity more comfortable and more pleasurable is to simply add lube! Many women experience discomfort during intercourse and other insertive sex due to vaginal dryness. Many things affect how much we self-lubricate. Hormone levels, many prescription drugs, common anti-histamines, being pregnant, getting chemotherapy and a whole lot of other normal situations cause a lack of lubrication. Just because you may be ‘turned on’ does not guarantee that natural lubrication will ‘turn on’ and flow.

It is the 21st century, and that means there is no need to ‘make your own’ anymore! Lube can make lots of activities more fun; both by yourself and with a partner. There are many brands and types of lube out there. Some have ingredients that are good for your body, some have tasty flavors, and some might not be so good if you have sensitive skin. Keep in mind that any oil lubricant can deteriorate latex and is not compatible with condoms, gloves and dental dams. Among the many choices, there are a couple basic types of lube out there. Shop wisely and try samples to see what you like. Use the info below to narrow down your choices, then experiment and take home some fun homework assignments!

Water-Based Lubricants

Many lubricants are water-based, which is why after awhile you may notice they seem to get absorbed or dry out. These lubes tend to dry up sooner, but clean up quickly. Some water-based lubes contain glycerin, a type of sugar. Glycerin often makes lubricant taste better, but unfortunately causes lots of yeast infections for sensitive folks.

Some water-based lubes are more creamy and realistic, some may be light and watery, and some are thicker, heavier gels. Thicker lubricants tend to last longer and coat the body better.

Popular glycerin-free water-based lubes include Liquid Silk which is creamy and light. Maximus is clear and thick like hair gel. Lubes like Maximus are a smart choice for anal sex and longer activity. Natural options include Sympathical Organics in original and raspberry or peach flavors. Using old-fashioned lube like KY is not recommended, as their products are full of sugars.

Silicone-Based Lubricants

Silicone is the wave of the future! These lubes feel like massage oil, but are condom compatible, unlike oil products. If you like the slick feel of oil, silicone may be great for you. Both thick and thin silicone lubes feel like microscopic ball bearings, creating almost friction free sensation. It barely gets absorbed, so it lasts a long time. Silicone even stays put in the pool or hot tub! Keep in mind that means you need more soap and water to get it off for good.

Silicone is a good choice for hand jobs and anal sex. And because it feels like massage oil, it is a safer choice for all-over body massage when condoms, dental dams or gloves are used. For a fun new activity, drip some silicone lube onto any body parts and rub together! You’ll have a whole new idea of “slip and slide.” If you use silicone toys often, then silicone lube is not compatible and could damage your toys. The silicone lubricant may be impossible to get off the toys, so stick to water-based lube or use condoms!

A great thick silicone lube is Pjur Eros – made by the first experts in silicone lubricants.

Safer sex and Other lubes…

Vaseline, lotions, petroleum based products, etc.

Back in the day, people may have used the Vaseline in the cabinet when nothing else was available. That use of Vaseline should stay in the past, because any petrolatum or petroleum-based product is bad for your body! Gasoline puns are fine, but do not be using gasoline products in or on your sensitive parts!

And if you are in a bind and want to use your body lotion as a lube, it is not the safest choice. Body and face lotions are designed for the outside of your body. These products are designed to quickly absorb, and are not tested for internal use. Even for a little self-lovin’ there are lots of sensitive mucus membranes in and near your genitalia that will quickly soak up such lotions.

Important!

When you see ads for clitoral stimulating cream, vaginal tighteners, stay-hard creams, penis growth lotions or anal easing lotions, please be wary. These products are designed to fight your body’s natural intuitive response to pain, discomfort and pacing. There are no magic buttons or lotions that will give anyone an instant orgasm, make their cock larger or harder, or make anal intercourse immediately comfortable. These creams use steroids, muscle tighteners and anesthetic to function. When your body says something hurts, stop or take a break it is best that you listen. There are other ways to have a tighter vaginal squeeze or make anal sex enjoyable. Your body already has the potential for amazing sensations and experiences so don’t waste money on these unhealthy, unsafe and unreliable novelties! Keep in mind any stimulating creams that contain L-Arginine may cause herpes outbreaks.

Read more about smart, safe sex here.

Safety is about more than condoms!

Use Lube…

When it comes to sex the rule to live and love by is—THE WETTER THE BETTER! Not only does a good lube make sex feel marvelously better for all parties involved—it actually makes sex safer. Lube cuts down on friction and irritation and reduces the risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections. If you’re using condoms lube reduces the risk of breakage. Lube makes sex last longer and feel better—so keep it slippery!

Leave the handcuffs for the professionals…

We can’t tell you how many people ask for handcuffs. They seem to be the perfect sexcessory; they’re hot, familiar, and inexpensive. they can cause nerve damage, which is totally not hot! The bones in your wrist are fragile and delicate and are covered in very little padding. A cop scene might be fun until your wrists start feeling numb and you realize you’ll have to explain your injuries to a physical therapist. If you have visions of being handcuffed to your bedpost try using leather or fabric restraints instead. They feel better and you can be a bad girl all night long.

Butt seriously…

If you're going to put something up your butt—make sure you can get it back! If you are into backdoor action (and right on for enjoying ALL of your body—you enlightened stud) than you need to be smart about your choice of sexcessories. Unlike the sweet cul-de-sac of the vagina your butt is a two lane highway. The sad truth is that once something starts traveling up your butt, it might not be inclined to come out the way it came in. Specifically, if you don't use a toy with a flared base or flange than you might end up in the ER explaining that the buzzing is NOT your cell phone ringing. Make sure you use the proper toys for the job because you have to take care of your prized assets: yourself. We encourage creative play, butt please choose toys that are meant for your booty.

If something hurts—stop it

A lot of people believe they should "ride it out" and that sex hurting or even feeling uncomfortable is normal. Some even use products that numb or desensitize, such as analeze, to cause a disconnect from their bodies during sex. This can be incredibly dangerous, not to mention a waste of time. Pain is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong and that damage is being done. Sex should never hurt. Trust your body's messages to you and sex will be a safe and enjoyable experience. It might take a bit more time, patience, and communication but sex will be much better for everybody. Instead of focusing on when sex is less painful and less dysfunctional, try thinking about the potential for more exciting pleasure, relaxation and passion in your life. You deserve it!

A caution about jelly rubber - phthalates-free and latex-free sex toys:

Any toy made of rubbers is porous and cannot be totally sterilized once used. Rubber sometimes contains latex or phthalates, softeners used in production. Research shows that phthalates may cause cancer. Any person with chemical sensitivities and latex allergies should avoid jelly rubber. These toys are often less expensive, but are often of lesser quality. Store rubber toys by themselves, as their material may react to other rubbers and plastics.

Keep in mind, Self Serve carries only bodysafe sex toys, and NONE of our toys contain phthalates! Read more about phthalates and how Self Serve celebrates earth day every day. Learn more about toxins from the Coalition Against Toxic Toys.

Anal Sex Can Change Your Life...

Matie and I taught the Backdoor Lovers: Intro to Anal Sex class last night. It was so fun. I think it's the beginning of the Prostate Pleasure Revolution :) Yay!

Seriously, it felt good to debunk taboos, empower men and women to explore new territory, and prevent more rampant bad sex. Our society is pretty anal-retentive, and that just needs to change. How many times a day do you squeeze and release your sphincter muscles- as exercise, not just taking care of business? When's the last time you had a rosebud massage?

Well here are some ideas to increase anal pleasure in your world:

There are plenty of enjoyable ways to explore anal sex play. Hands, lubricants, massage oils and toys can all be great ASSets. Follow our top anal sex tips and check out ideas for the best anal sex toys. Anal Sex Tips

• Don’t rush anal sex ever. Wait until your ass is ready, even if you're really, really excited!
  
• Communication is key! Verbal and non-verbal communication is truly important, not just so it feels good, but so that no one gets physically hurt and stays safe. Communicating your needs = safe sex!
• Lubrication is something you must provide. Unlike during vaginal sex, your ass does not provide comfy lubrication. And you certainly need lubrication even more during anal play. The tissue around and in the anus is thin and sensitive. That means if you feel good, happy sensations they are wonderful, but if you feel sensitive to pain it is easy to get hurt. Lubrication prevents tiny cuts and tears from happening, which feels better and reduces the chance for sexually transmitted infections.
• Relaxation is so important. If your anus is tightly, tensely closed for business, nothing and no one is getting in there. We often hold lots of stress right there in our asses. Take a deep breath and relax (then repeat). Deep breathing, taking it slow and relaxing your sphincter muscles will do wonders for your sex life and your anxiety!
• Massage is a great way to start. Just a lovely, little rosebud massage on the anus will feel fantabulous for most people. Use a condom-safe lubricant or your mouth! Dental Dams are recommended for safer sex! Try massaging his perineum, too. Pressure up behind the balls will stimulate his prostate gland (P Spot) internally.
  
• Anal sex does not have to involve a penis going inside an ass. Remember it's way more comfortable and easy for beginners to enjoy fingers, anal sex toys, massage or butt plugs first. Make sure when you talk about anal sex, all parties involved know whether you plan to enjoy toys, a penis, a finger or whatever.
• For many people, insertion is a BIG deal. Wait until the ass invites you in! Do not push into the anus, but allow your partner to fall onto your finger, cock or toy. Go slow and the reward is great!
  
• Safer sex is more fun and guilt-free for everyone! Prevent spreading bacteria with gloves or finger cots. Go down with less risk of Hepatitis with dental dams. Use condoms on guy parts and dildos before inserting anywhere else. And remember, lubricant helps your latex supplies feel super silky and smooth.
  
• Good anal sex positions include: doggy style, any position when receptive partner is on his or her back = more relaxed muscles
• Great toys include: For a slim and long dildo that's strap-on friendly, The Mistress Vibe Kit; For a big Prostate stimulating curve; For graduated bumps, the Pro Touch or Pi; Beginner Butt Plugs, The Buddy or Ace Plug
• Make sure any anal sex toy you use has a flared base! If you stick little, mini sex toys into someone's ass you risk not getting it back! We hear stories all the time (unfortunately) about people going to the emergency room for a sex toy retrieval. Good anal sex toys have something to hold onto or a flared base that won't get sucked into a happy tush.
• Avoid numbing creams and harmful de-sensitizing gels. When you cut off your body's ability to tell you something is wrong, you put yourself at risk for harm or injury. Plus you miss out on all the good sensations!