Do it more & Do it better

So many couples and individuals approach us at Self Serve with a common question:  How can my partner and I have more sex, and better sex, more often?

In the fast-paced, stressed-out culture we live in, it's common for couples to find they love each other and want more intimacy, but the sex just doesn't happen.  I'm teaching a class this Tuesday night all about this topic.  When the willingness and commitment is there, couples can definitely find ways to improve their sexual satisfaction.

So much of the conversation has to do with expectations, priorities and creativity.  I look forward to helping couples figure out what they're looking to improve, whether it be the depth of their connection, how often they get it on or simply reconnecting when they feel distant.  It's important to remember that all of us are unique and there's no one "normal" frequency of how often one should have sex.  There's no "normal" of how we should be having sex.  As individuals, we have to acknowledge that our needs and desires are usually different than those of our partners.  The key is communicating and figuring out how to meet in the middle.

You can sign up for classes online, or call 505-265-5815.

If you cannot attend the upcoming Self Serve class, consider a consultation with Self Serve Co-Owners & Sexuality Educators Molly or Matie.

Leather Bear Tails: Master Monster

Identifying as a Master is inherently emotionally stunting. It can be very difficult to remain centered and balanced when those people around you and closest to you are telling you what a God you are, and a badass, and jumping to do your every bidding. And why should you strive for growth if you are surrounded by those whose very nature is to make you feel empowered and like every decision made is the unquestionable right one. It is hard not to start flashing your naked cooter to the press, or plan a 10 million dollar wedding when you have a world full of people whose only job is to say yes.

If the Master has a slave that consistently builds their ego, and is forbidden to say no in any way, this can literally create a monster, maybe not intentionally, but it does happen. This can happen when the replacing of insecurities with the feeling of empowerment is not achieved by anything that the Master is actively changing or doing. Instead it is created by the masking of those insecurities in a web of the slave’s responsibilities, as well as maintaining a false sense of intellectual and emotional superiority by limiting the information that the Master will allow to be given to them.

There are many, many, many, (did I say many) resources out there that talk endlessly about the unlimited power of the Master. They go on and on about the ability for the Master to rule and dominate and control. With extended scenes about how the Master takes that power, and molds it. These resources play on the Master’s insecurities and shortcomings while simultaneously giving them an out for any type of behavior because after all they are the Master.

Don’t have a job, don’t need one, it is the slave’s requirement to support the household. Want to put the slave in bondage that cuts off the circulation, sure, the Master doesn’t actually need skill, the slave just needs to tolerate what is being done to them and be grateful for it. Want to have unprotected sex with as many people as possible, it is the slave’s job to deal with the consequences, both emotional and physical, and be happy to do it, quietly, so as not to disturb the Masters sleep. Masters angry, it’s the slave’s job to take the brunt of that, in any situation, because slaves aren’t really people- they are owned objects, like punching bags, or toasters. Oh yea and how about how slaves are just people that need to be forced into the situation, after all, they don’t know their true potential until the Master makes then see it through questionably consensual beatings and sex. But in the end they will be sooo very grateful that you, the Master, showed them their true selves…..

Then at the very bottom, if it exists at all and in much smaller print, there is a very limited section on responsibility and accountability. Because you don’t want to get in the way of the fantasy to much, it will kill the boner.

I don’t mind ( well I do really) all of this out there, what I do mind more then anything is the type of real time people it creates. People that don’t have boundaries are insufferable, they are egomaniacs that we all have had to deal with that are not only dangerous (yes in real time) but also are very socially inappropriate. Having no boundaries creates a sense of entitlement, so basics like not touching others toys, not touching others subs, not intruding into a scene, and being sure not to monopolize the conversation as well as new people do not apply to them.

That is why boundaries are important, to everybody.

Being a Master doesn’t mean that that you are done growing or that you have achieved some pinnacle of enlightenment that allows you to always be right. It also doesn’t mean that your skills can’t be learned or improved upon.

I may not like it when I screw up and my slave calls me on it, but I do know that if she is saying it, I had better listen. For me, being a powerful Master isn’t about limiting what I hear or know, it is about admitting that I have a lot of room to grow, and that sometimes it is really important for me to hear the hard stuff. If I don’t allow this I will never get better, stronger or more skilled.

So I am putting out there a challenge to all Masters:

When was the last time your slave taught you something?

When was the last time you asked them to?

If you are looking for play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Felitfe.com

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Leather Bear Tails: The vacuum of problems

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Leather Bear Tails: When Dominants abuse protection

Unfortunately there are too many stories out there about how Dominants abuse the concept of protection, everything ranging from pressuring the one who they are protecting for sex and play (sometimes subtlety, sometimes not subtlety), to the outright isolation, and intentional withholding of knowledge and understanding.

Although not all Dominant’s use protection for those things, it is my belief that the concept of protection has become extremely skewed from its original use. It has become more about what the Dominant can get instead of what the Dominant can give.

Over the last few years I have seen a drastic increase in Dominants that “protect”, and a few disturbing trends have made themselves abundantly clear, the older the dominant, the younger the one under protection, the ratio of male dominants to female protection is very high, and when the males or females that were once protected are no longer “under protection” they have a tendency to disappear. I am not saying that these things are always true; I am not saying that all older men are predators, and I am not saying that there aren’t other reasons for people to leave the lifestyle. What I am saying is that what I am personally seeing has greatly disturbing trends.

At an event last year a man came up to me and asked if I would like to see his slave who was also under his protection. I said sure, and on his phone was a spread naked picture of what seemed to be a barely legal girl. I was shocked and taken aback, as I did not know this man well. I began to wonder how many people had also seen this naked girl, and was she aware that he was very willing to show her to anyone who expressed an interest. This was protection? I have not seen this girl since she left his protection. I wonder what does she think about her experiences now?
How does she view herself now? Did this experience further her knowledge of kink and leather, or did it do the opposite? Most of all, I wondered, do those things even matter to the Dominant that showed her naked front side to anyone and everyone?

I also find that some Dominants make the community seems so dangerous that a person walking into it needs someone to constantly watch out for their safety. The warnings of "don’t go to that group", or "only go to a play party when the Dominant is present, and don’t leave the Dominants side", or "don’t speak with that person they are dangerous", are in great abundance. The end product being that the one under protection becomes more and more isolated, and more and more afraid. It also creates a submissive that is less and less able to actively move about in the community without a Dominant present.

Although some of the reasons that the protector gives may sound legitimate, many times under the surface they are questionable.

Stay away from that group because they (fill in the blank) ~ sounds legit, be careful, ok, but cutting out an entire group of people vastly decreases the submissives ability to create new friendships and learn. Although some groups might be questionable in their group dynamics, it is really important for a person to find that out for themselves. One person’s toxic group is another person’s free space. I have to catch myself with this as well, although I have my own views about certain groups in the community, ultimately it isn't my choice to make.

Only go to a play party when the Dominant is present and don’t leave the Dominants side~ sounds legit, kind of~ in reality they are all types of play parties. Some are geared to be more safe then others, but again, if the submissive is looking to be a part of the lifestyle and wanting to go to public spaces, then there is only one way to do it. A Dominant can’t protect a submissive from the world, and quite frankly they shouldn’t have to. For a submissive to walk through the community with an internal sense of pride and self, they need to develop this on their own. I am not saying not to come to the Dominant if there isn’t trouble, what I am saying is that staying by someone’s side all evening doesn’t allow self sufficiency to develop.

Stay away from that person~ they are inappropriate with new young people coming in; sound legit, be careful, ok, but the truth is that there are a lot of people that don’t understand how to treat submissives. Having the submissive learn how to deal with inappropriate people quickly grows confidence and freedom to handle any public space.

If you are looking to be protected then do yourself a favor, stop listen and learn first. There are many parts of the community were new members can come in and freely maneuver without threat or fear. Don’t let anyone convince you that you need them or their protection (for a cost).

If you are looking for power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuqueruqe area please contact:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

The New Mexico group name is:

New Mexico fetlifers

Leather Bear Tails: Under Protection, When it goes right

In leather and BDSM circles protection is a very common concept. In essence it is when one person watches over another and makes sure that they are safe, and /or the person under protection has an advocate to go to if something inappropriate should happen.

When my slave and I first started on our leather journey we had a wonderful friend who would happily take my slave under protection at the times when I could not be around. Since I was working two jobs and in school full time she would have to go out by herself quite often.

There were several factors that made him ideal to have as a protector for my budding slave. He was an established dominate in the community who often knew and had a good rapport with the event organizers. He was good at diffusing difficult situations and did not make bad things worse by escalating them. He had an absolute respect for lesbian space and was not interested in undermining me or our relationship. He had absolutely no interest in my slave for either sex or play, and most importantly he was sincerely interested in her growth and safety.

I would like to say that I knew all of this at the time and that I really sat down and interviewed and screened this person, that I had put a lot of time and thought and energy into it.

But that would be a lie.

The truth is I got lucky. In the beginning I didn’t know enough to know what I was agreeing to by having him be her protector and although I was always grateful for his help when things went wrong (and they did go wrong). It wasn’t until years later that I really understood the scope of what he had done for both her and I.

An example of another successful use of protection – at last year’s event Evo Revo, a young, very experienced single female submissive who was not known for making the best choices in play partners, asked her dominate friend for protection. That way the submissive had an extra pair of eyes and ears to look out for her safety. When the out of town submissive wanted to play with a local dominate the protector stepped in and helped create a safe scene and experience for the submissive.

Although protection is most often viewed as a dominate protecting a submissive it doesn’t always happen that way. More experienced Dominates often take younger dominates under their wing, the same for more experiences submissives and their less experienced counter parts. When I first started out as a growing dominate I had people that I would ask questions to, they guided me and I watched how they moved throughout the community. Although it wasn’t an official protection relationship I am sure that they would have stepped in on my behalf, had I needed it.

I was very very lucky. Had I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Except maybe I would have had more money…

If you are looking or power munches, play parties or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you ate looking for an online community find Fetlife.com

The New Mexico group is: New Mexico fetlifers

Leather Bear Tails: Feeling Powerful , The Dominates prospective

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