self serve(d): safety

Every relationship has a basis in power exchange. In all relationships there is someone who holds power, and someone who gives up power. In vanilla relationships (non BDSM or Leather relationships) the power exchange either flows back and forth throughout the day from person to person, or the couple starts to fight for power. Who makes the financial decisions? How are the kids going to be raised? Who initiates and/or refuses sex? All of these issues can become a power exchange or a power struggle, and in each situation when there is a disagreement and no common ground, there is one partner whose preferences will take priority. At this point one person walks away empowered, and one person walks away dis-empowered.

In households that have Master/slave dynamic, there is a pre-agreed upon understanding that one person reserves the right to have the final say on all matters. So although the slave may have a right to voice an opinion, it is the Masters choice as to whether or not to take that into consideration. Although everyday decisions that all couples are faced with are often directed by the Master as in finances, kids, sex ect… There may be things that the Master has no interest in directing, or there may be other things that the Master needs that are unique to them.

Some Masters have multiple rules and protocols that must be obeyed to the letter. slaves have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, have no access to finances, are not allowed on furniture, are required to wear or carry certain adornments at all times, walk, stand, or enter a room a certain way, and not allowed to speak until spoken to. Other Masters don’t have as many requirements; they may even prefer to do the driving, cooking, and the opening of doors for the slave.

The point being that there is a Master out there for all levels of power exchange~ from someone who wants all their decisions made for them, to someone who wants to have a general direction overlay their life, but wants more control over the details, there is also a Master out there for them. Having an understanding of what a person truly needs and desires are the keys to a successful M/s relationship. Masters that require more or less control then a slave can give are both recipes for an unfulfilled relationship on both ends.

However, M/s relationships that are balanced on both ends are very harmonious and fulfilling, for the most part the trust that is built around decision making means that the concerns that can strain any couple are generally taken care of before hand, leaving room for other things. Like visiting Self Serve!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Leather Life vs Abuse

There are many misconceptions that people in mainstream society have about people who are in leather relationships. On the surface someone in a leather relationship and someone in an abusive one carry some very intense similarities. In both relationships there are limited rights, a dominant and submissive partner, and punishments for infractions real or perceived.

However, as much as the surface interaction may seem the same, people in consensual leather relationships and people in abusive relationships are entirely different. In abusive relationships the limitation of the submissive partner’s rights are neither consensual nor negotiable. The dominant partner in an abusive relationship becomes the dominant partner through fear, coercion, and intimidation. Physical and emotional acts of violence in abusive relationships are used to further the control of the dominant partner, and to destroy any sense of self in the submissive partner.

In leather relationships the limitations of rights are pre-negotiated and agreed to by all parties, they are also reviewed and subject to change, as people grow and their needs are different. For example we have a friend who was in a Master slave relationship with his wife, over time, they both changed and she is now a switch (someone who tops and bottoms) and although he is still Master identified he seeks experiences with other partners. In leather relationships dominant partners are recognized by all people in the relationship as the dominant partner, and they are sought out as a dominant to specifically fulfill the submissive partner’s needs. There is no need for coercion, fear, or intimidation, because this type of relationships is desired in the first place. Punishment in leather relationships, if they occur at all, are predefined for a select set of behaviors. In general common rules for punishment in leather include: all punishments are not done in anger, they are intended for the other person to learn from and/or change behavior, and they may or may not include a corporal element. This also varies from household to household.

I am not saying that leather relationships can’t be abusive; there is abuse in all parts of every community. Leather relationships that include aspects of abuse without consent are subject to the same outcomes, this includes abuse that is directed towards the bottom or the top. As being a top does not exempt one from being abused. However just because someone is in a leather relationship does not mean abuse is a part of the equation. For the people who come to terms with their submissive side, and allow themselves to experience it, finding that submission can be self empowering, cathartic, and extremely fulfilling. The bottom line is that abuse is about non consent and destruction, and leather/BDSM is about finding out who you are and creating your life around those things that fulfill you even if one of those things is giving up power.