Leather Bear Tails: The eroticization of Breaking

So as my brain is fried, and I mean totally toast. So I am going to post an excerpt of my AEL presentation that I did last Monday. The part is called the eroticization of breaking, and it is about the concept of breaking the slaves will within the leather, BDSM, fetish, and kink community. Enjoy!!

Queue light and movie:

The Master (of whatever gender) is standing in the dungeon. At the Masters feet a crumpled mess of a slave (of whatever gender). The slave s heaves and trembles and gives. As the Master looks up across the dungeon the Master sees the one. The slave that the Master has been looking for. The Master steps over the sweaty lump on the floor and strides over to the slave in their eye sight. The Master grabs the slave roughly; the master beats, torments, fucks, and dominates the slave. While the slave takes it all giving every inch of themselves. And in the end the Maser knows that this one was the one worthy of the Master’s hands. The Master’s dominance, the Master’s collar. And so the slave is whisked away to become the Masters one and only. Having earned the Master’s love and eternal devotion though suffering.

End Movie.

In reality there are three parts to the process of breaking the will, and they are the intent, process, and outcome.

Masters generally tend to eroticize the intent and the process. They fantasize about the intent in terms of being able to punish and dominate without limitations. They carry out these fantasies in real time during the process and then are either unprepared or uninterested in the outcome.

For these Masters the broken slave holds no challenge or sexual excitement. So once the outcome is achieved they have a tendency to move on to their next challenge.

The slave tends to eroticize the outcome, the thought that if they allow their will to be broken; if they give up the most intimate parts of themselves then they have earned the reward of the Masters love and care. The slave may not see themselves as the one destroyed laying on the floor, and passed over, instead they see themselves as the one the Master sees across the dungeon.

When it comes to the breaking of the will, here are some real time questions to ask about the realities of this act.

1) What does being broken mean? Does it mean that the person will not be able to make even basic decisions? Like dressing, bathing, or eating? Does it mean that the Master feels powerful no matter what the slave actually thinks or feels?

2) Can someone who has no will technically consent? To be able to consent you have to be of sound mind, and free from duress and or coercion. So what if the Master has an intent that they purposefully do not tell the slave, is what happens in the end still consent? If it is the Master’s intent to break the will of the slave to get access to the slaves bank account and then leave. Is it still consent? If it is the Master’s intent to break the will of the slave to force them away from their other relationships, is it still consent? If the Master breaks the will of that particular slave to get access to their children, is it still consent?

3) What is the Masters responsibility to someone they have broken, if and or when they leave the relationship? Are they responsible to help reestablish the sense of self? Give back the funds? Pay for therapy?

4) And finally what happens when it all goes wrong? Since breaking someone is all about the Master’s interpretation as to whether or not the slave is broken, what if the Master goes too far? What is the slave has a significant mental or emotional breakdown from the experience? What if the slave wasn’t exactly honest about their emotional state to begin with and this experience pushed them over the edge? Or the slave was honest in what they thought that they wanted and what they thought they could handle and the breakdown happens anyway?

What if after the whole process the slave is legitimately not ok and the experience pushes them to the point where they retaliate or become a danger to the Master or themselves? It is not out of the realm for unstable people pushed to the edge self harm, stalk, or threaten others.

What is the Master thought that they could do this, and in the end the Master is not ok?

I guess by now you can all tell what my personal opinion of breaking is. I pose these questions, not because I have answers but because I don’t have answers and they need to be asked.

I am not saying that a certain amount of breaking doesn’t happen throughout the lifetime of the relationship. What I am saying is that when the intent is to break someone the Master has to be prepared for the outcome, even if the outcome isn’t pretty.

If you are interested in play parties, hands on workshops or power munches in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

Group Name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Hysteria and Technology in the Bedroom

You may laugh hysterically when you learn the history of the vibrator.  Rachel Maines was one of the first writers to bring the fascinating story of our favorite electrical device to the public with her book, The Technology of Orgasm.  We learned early electric vibrators were used in medical treatment for women with hysteria.  Women, of course, had vague, persistent symptoms of fatigue, depression or exhaustion.  Women were often diagnosed with hysteria, and physicians feared their wombs were lost and floating around their bodies.

What new-fangled device could help?  The Vibrator of course!

Doctors once had to relieve women of hysteria via "manual assistance," and the vibrator was a labor-saving device, indeed!  Women would experience paroxysms (now known as orgasms) after application of the machines, and voila- hysterical symptoms were relieved.

The Toronto Film Festival premiered the film Hysteria in early September, featuring Maggie Gyllanhaal.  This film is a realistic account of the doctor who invented the vibrator in the 1880s.

Maines' book, the film Hysteria and the documentary Passion and Power (a movie Self Serve hosted at the Guild in Albuquerque) all lead us to believe it was common for Victorian women to receive medical treatments for hysteria at the hands of midwives and doctors of the day. 

There is debate in the academic world (redundant sentence already?) about the accuracy of these accounts of vibrator use.  In a shame-filled, Victorian society, some historians argue vibrator treatments were not quite so common, and certainly not acceptable socially.

Of course we can speculate about cultural norms and attitudes during the early days of vibrator use, but the stories are entertaining nonetheless.  I love how such history proves how our attitudes about sexuality, sex toys and how orgasms work is all so relative to our time, place and context.  Our attitudes about technology have changed drastically, and in most areas of life technology is ubiquitous now.  But still in 2011, many intelligent adults still feel shame, embarrassment and confusion over their desire to use technology in the bedroom.

Many folks talk to us at Self Serve about how they shouldn't need lubricant or shouldn't need a vibrator.  There is so much guilt in our culture over using a motorized little gadget as a labor-saving device for getting off.  At the same time, do you mail your letters only via post to prove a point?  Are you not reading this here blog on a computer?

I hope as more stories of sex toy history emerge, and the discussion comes to light, that more adults will shed their guilt, pick up these modern labor-saving devices, and enjoy their benefits.  You won't regret it.

Read more about the film Hysteria...

Leather Bear Tails: Vacation brain and AEL Monday!!

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Leather Bear Tails: A day with my Hero

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Black is Still the New Black and Fat is still Fat...

Addressing the Top 2 Myths about Body Issues Within the 21st Century African American Community

I have never been shy about expressing my hatred for the saying ”_____is the new black” by people trying to get attention to their activist cause. A good example can be found the phrase, "Gay is the new Black!". It’s patronizing in the assumption that blacks have “arrived” and there’s no more struggle or oppression left to talk about or deal with. It’s because of similar reasons that I have officially hit my saturation point with hearing about how “things are so much better for fat women within the African American community because they have an appreciation for bigger bodies”. Feh. This blanket statement is usually followed by testimonials from happy caucasian women about how they have found the promised land among blacks in finally achieving the sensual and sexual validation that they were looking for. BBW Bashes seem to be a veritable cornucopia of handsome men of color seeking out luscious bodied partners’ which for many of these ladies seems to verify everything that they have heard when it comes to how advanced the African American community is in issues of body acceptance.

The reality of body image within the African American community is a lot more complex than most of the general public is aware of or in most cases is even comfortable addressing. So for your viewing pleasure my fatty loving chickies, I’m addressing two of the top myths and issues concerning BBW Love within the community.

1. BBW Bash Fever! - This is a common one that I run into. I hear a number of women come with glowing bash reports about how they are treated like queens by black men and how an increasing number of white men feel the need to constantly vie for the affections of these lovely ladies. The feeling that you are wanted and desired by many is something that many beautiful fatties are still lacking. The well meaning assumption by these ladies is that this cathartic and joyful experience is shared by all the women present. It’s not.

What many of these lovely ladies fail to realize is that the common factor for all of these beautiful stories is that all of the women involved are caucasian or fair skinned Latina. For many dark-skinned African American women there are no battle royales at the bashes for their favors’. Quite conversely, having so many women of other races talk about how they are being fought over while they themselves are left on the sidelines can frequently increase feelings of alienation and the sense that they aren’t desirable. In other words, a mahogany princess comes to feel like white knights and black knights only rescue white damsels.

2. The African American Community LOVES its Fat Women! - Erm...no. - As the middle class values of mainstream America have infiltrated into a wider segment of the African American population, the days where curves’ where widely and openly embraced are quickly going the way of the dodo. Self hatred is a multi-billion dollar industry and once companies realized that there was “gold in them thar black hills”, the pressure to fit into the beauty ideal of thin, white, and straight haired was increased exponentially. Let’s look at the evolution of the Mammy figure for what it really is shall we. In a number of Yoruba and Igbo cultures that were bought over and enslaved, the previous beauty standard did include dark skinned women who were considered beautiful because they were fat, wide hipped, and shiny faced. Many of my generation and older can definitely remember the beautification ritual of being “polished”with Vaseline or lotion by our parents' until our skin glowed and shone like a jewel. Once bought over to the Americas' as slaves however, this beauty preference came under severe ridicule and what was once a signifier of beauty became an object of derision. The goddess of beauty was transformed by the slave owning culture into a safe asexual clown figure. Not surprisingly, the features possessed by the Mammy (dark skin, wide hips, large breasts, and big lips) came to be viewed with embarrassment within the African American community.

Sadly, not much has changed and embarrassment that many African Americans feel when they see a fat and dark skinned woman on television is still being felt. You’ll hear comments that center around the need for more positive (read thinner and lighter) representations of black women in the media. People aren’t angry at Gabrielle Sidibe for starring in a film centering around the stereotypical tragic black woman, they’re angry at her for representing a segment of their female population that they still feel great shame about. In other words, it’s not the roles she’s playing; it’s the rolls on her body that makes a sadly large number of African Americans ashamed. Yemaya for many isn’t a goddess to be revered with all of her wide hipped and dark skinned matronly sex appeal; she’s to be kept quietly in the closet.

As seen in my previous post, I am finding all of the negative attention being put on black women’s audacity to take up space while none is being put on finding paths to emotional health and happiness to be a distressing and heartbreaking issue. Deifying my community as a safe space for fatties not only ignores the complex realities of what it’s like to be black and fat, but it also feels like a shiny happy face is being put on our pain. Still, I would love to see the day when these myths become realities….

Leather Bear Tails: 24/7 Master/slave Myths

Recently I was at an event and I caught the tail end of the speaker talking about how 24/7 isn’t real because eventually you have to put down the flogger and go to work. I smiled and said nothing; this is a common misunderstanding of the Master/slave 24/7 dynamic. I got to thinking about other very common misconceptions of this and compiled a short list to go over.


1) 24/7 isn’t real because you can’t maintain those roles all of the time, eventually you have to have to leave the house.


There is a difference between a 24/7 scene and a 24/7 relationship. Of course a 24/7 scene is not possible over the long term. But a 24/7 relationship that maintains its core roles and beliefs is more than possible. I do not stop being a Master or a wife or a lesbian because I am at work, getting gas, or working with my horses. It is part of who I am integrally, and just because I am not actively in a scene with my slave doesn’t mean that my slave isn’t serving me. Most service happens outside of a scene anyway. It is really hard to cook dinner while getting flogged, not impossible- just more difficult.


2) All Masters are sadists and all slaves are masochists.



Not all masters are into giving pain, and not all slaves are into receiving pain. In other words you don’t have to be one into s and m to be M/s. Some M/s relationships never have a play or sexual element. These are people that are all about the experience of the service both in the giving and the receiving. Others are very into play and sex but not with a pain component. It tends to be very individual.



3) The slave must be naked and in chains at all times when at home.



Make no mistake, for some households these are absolutely the requirements. But it isn’t always so. Other households have requirements that mean that the slave needs to have the ability to come inside and outside of the house frequently, answer the door for vanilla folk and otherwise use their time and efforts in such a way that clothes are required and chains are not reasonable.



4) Micromanagement is always the norm.


This is the theory that slaves need to be told what to do because in their everyday lives they are unable to make decisions for themselves. That is why Masters are so darn important (insert sarcasm here). However, not all Masters are into micromanagement. In a way micromanagement is its own fetish. It is the receiving of power and sexual gratification from the over management of another person. But it isn’t something that all Masters do or that all slaves enjoy. Not all masters require their slaves to ask permission before going to the bathroom, eating, taking a drink, entering the room, sleeping, or otherwise doing things that we all need to do in a day.



5) All communication is one way from the Master to the slave.


Again, there are households were the slave is expected to receive input only, and their opinion is nether solicited or desired. However, many 24/7 households have a need for the slave to have an opinion and have input on how things could be done. It is the Masters decision whether or not to accept the advice, but the slave is more than welcome and encouraged to give it.


There are many Master/ slave 24/7 relationships that have been successful over the years and continue to be. For a lot of people the concept of accepting either end of the power dynamics for long periods of time is inconceivable, and for them it may well be. BUT that doesn’t mean that just because it isn’t plausible for one person, it isn’t possible other people.




Last week our community experienced a huge loss. Our beloved Teddy has passed. He was a great person with a wonderful laugh, amazing voice, and strong and kind hands. His heart and light will be missed.


If you are looking for power munches, hands on workshops, or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:
Felife.com
Group name:
New Mexico Fetlifers

Hilarious (yet troubling) Sex Toys

We at Self Serve are lucky to have a network of friends and professional allies in the sex positive, education-based sex shops around the US and Canada.  We're slowly coming out, and we're called the Progressive Pleasure Club (PPC).

Sometimes our friends are supportive when we're looking for items for customers, trying to review hyped-up new sex toys, or making sure the items we sell are bodysafe (since Self Serve only sells phthalate-free toys).

But I am so pleased to learn that one colleague has taken the time to blog about some really stunning inventions out there.  Searah from Early to Bed in Chicago has created a blog all about the oddest, creepiest and most offensive sex toys out there.  A post I just saw on Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys actually just made my jaw drop - and I have seen some crap!  It's not that it's the most offensive or racist toy, it's just one of the oddest.  But don't take my word for it!





If you find this whole thing intriguing or amusing, do explore this blog.  I love that one tag simply says: body parts in the wrong places.  That kinda says a lot about what's wrong with mainstream sex toy manufacturing...

Searah's commentary makes it less scary and astounding.  Enjoy.

Leather Bear Tails: Safety then vs. Safety now

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