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Semiotics of the Bedroom

se·mi·ot·ics

1. the study of signs and symbols as elements of communicative behavior; the analysis of systems of communication, as language, gestures, or clothing.

Meanings of words, and the invention of new words, are created and adapted by those who use them. The context in which the words are spoken or written contribute to its meaning as well.

Semiotics of the Bedroom from Alexandra Ross-Raymond on Vimeo.

Check out the inspiration for this work, Semiotics of the Kitchen by Martha Rosler, created in 1975.

I am Woman. Hear Me Get Censored!

Thank you, Brianna Stallings for posting this blog about the exhausting nitty-gritty of facebook censorship. It's hard to roar (with a community of 1300 fans) when they delete our Self Serve fan page.

No, I won't wash my vagina for a raise, thanks.

One of the funniest and most enraging blog posts I saw recently was on Daily Kos citing an amazing advertising message: Want a raise? Wash Your Vagina!

I love when advertisers or companies are so far gone they aren't even seeing the ridiculousness of their message anymore. This ad offers the number one way for a woman to feel more confident. No, not just confident on her next blind date. If she's looking for confidence in asking for a raise at work, she should first and foremost use a chemical douche product. That is the offensive and insulting message Summer's Eve is sharing with women in full-page, made-to-look-like-editorial content ad.

I was shocked and appalled to the point of head-shaking laughter. I don't write enough protest letters lately, so I did this time. Below are my letter and the responses from Summer's Eve and Woman's Day Magazine.

Here is my letter:

Wow.

There is offensive advertising, and OFFENSIVE advertising. You took the scented cake with the recent full page ad in Woman's Day.

As a business woman, I am appalled that you would suggest women MUST wash with unhealthy intimate soaps and scents in order to get a raise! Appalled. When would you EVER see an ad suggesting men need to wash their genitals in order to get a raise? I'm pretty sure intimate hygiene doesn't go on your CV.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. It's one thing if you simply offered sensitive-skin, non-toxic products for vulva wash for women who want it, but it's entirely offensive to suggest that such a regimen is required at work.

Women have enough anxiety and self hatred about natural, healthy vulva appearance and scent. How dare you also suggest their job depends on it. Shame on you. One more reason I will boycott and bad mouth your products. I own a sexuality resource center and help women
every day feel more confident and better about their bodies. We tell women every day how they do not need to douche or wash with irritating soaps on their vulva. Many of your products lead to
yeast infections and irritation, making women even more susceptible to STIs at times.

I hope you'll pull this ad campaign and seriously re-think your message.

Thank you for your time,
Molly Adler

Here is the response from Summer's Eve:

Dear Ms. Adler,

Thank you for contacting us to express your discontent with the recent
Summer's Eve advertisement in Women's Day magazine.

CB Fleet and the Summer's Eve brand have the utmost respect for women.
While we understand how some may come to an alternative conclusion
regarding our recent advertisement, that was never our intention.
Summer's Eve apologizes if this advertisement in any way offended anyone
and will take immediate steps to remove it from further circulation.

Kindest regards,

Jessica
Summer's Eve Feminine Care Specialist

From Woman's Day:

Molly, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. Please know that the piece you are referring to is a paid advertisement and in no way reflects the opinions of the Woman’s Day editorial staff and regret that some were offended by the ad. The client is aware of the situation and has taken steps to apologize on their own. Meanwhile, we do hope that you found the editorial in the issue insightful and helpful.

E. M.

I get the sense the Daily Kos post going viral may actually make a difference here. Except for the fact that magazine ads most likely get placed months in advance, I hope they'll think twice about this campaign again. It's always refreshing when media claim no blame in what they allow in advertisements. As a sexuality resource center owner and someone who has to pay for advertising, I know for a fact magazines have a say in what's published in ads.

If you are feeling defensive and thinking of the sensitive wash you have upstairs in your shower right now, don't fret. There is nothing wrong with washing external genitalia with mild or ph-balanced soap. But some feminine washes may do much more harm than good. Internally, it's important to remind women that the vagina is in fact self-cleaning and usually doesn't appreciate harsh soaps, scents and detergents. At Self Serve we found a great line of vulva-friendly products for when you do feel the need to refresh. Perhaps after sex or exercise, though, not necessarily before a job interview.

How do you get the sex or relationship you want?

You talk about it. Helping people speak up about their relationship needs is one of the number one topics at Self Serve.

It's pretty amazing when you think about it: sometimes all you need to do is tell someone. But that is no simple task. There is so much shame, guilt, fear, and confusion wrapped up in our deepest sexual needs and fantasies. So many of us have fantasies and needs that are kept secret for years and years. We worry our partner will think we're crazy. He'll leave me. She'll mock me. He never would think of doing [xyz].

You'd be surprised.

Your partner, if they respect and truly care about you, wants to know the real you. They want to sincerely help you feel good. They want to support you living the life you want. And that includes what may seem like minor sexual curiosities or new fantasies. Whether you're curious about a role play involving a cop and robber arrest or just haven't used a vibrator before - it's okay. You are not the only one, and there's no shame in wanting to be more creative, play dress up or play with new toys. As long as your activities are safe, sane and consensual - it's okay.

You're never going to get the sex you want if you can't share with someone what that is. For those of us that are not living a leather lifestyle or active in a BDSM community, serious negotiation around sexual activities is not commonplace. But everyone can learn a lot from years of community activism and standards for creating fantasies in reality.

It takes some work to shift from the-same-sex-you've-been-having-for-years to something new. But that work can be fun and the communication you do to get there will enhance the trust and intimacy of that relationship.

Jay Wiseman, who wrote SM 101, will be teaching Negotiation as Foreplay at our shop September 21st. I am so excited to host this workshop. Many people, whether single, monogamous, poly, married and/or dating, are constantly asking us how to incorporate a new sex activity or keep it hot after years in a relationship or maybe after two weeks. This class is exactly what many of us need- a fun way to communicate about those new fantasies. I love that Jay calls himself a "negotiation fetishist." It may be nerdy, but getting to know the fantasies, boundaries and secrets of a play partner or lover are key to enjoying each other fully.

Who do you have sex with?

Who do you have sex with?

Many of us choose one person at a time to mate with. Some of us will jump on anything that holds still long enough. I fall somewhere in between. Not being an advocate of cheating, I try to be completely open and honest with my sexual partners and not expose them to physical or emotional danger as a result of their relationship with me. I am fortunate to have been with many deliciously skilled, interesting men and women in my life, but the one I’ve chose to be my mate… my life partner… my husband, tops the list in every way. I fully realize how lucky I am.

Hub (that will be his pseudonym here, I think) loves me, takes care of me, makes me feel safe. He also is nicely hung, has a great ass, can lick his eyebrows and makes me cum three times a night. And he lets me date other people. Now if I were to fall in love with someone else, that would hurt his feelings. But chatting online, exchanging naughty emails, and even physical encounters are fine with him as long as they make me happy and horny. After all, who reaps the benefits of that? He does, and in a big way. Since we’ve opened our relationship in this way, I’ve been fascinated by the people who have pursued me (and it is the pursuit that excites me most). There are plenty of people who just want to email me a picture of their genitals then have me talk dirty while they masturbate. Most of the time, this bores me. 

There are some who immediately want to meet me in person and will settle for nothing else. They make me nervous. Personally, I like a little long distance foreplay before I feel safe enough to get in a room with someone.  I guess I want there to be some kind of relationship, even if it is an online one that we both know might be based on lies. After all, you can be whoever you want to be on the internet and it is who people choose to be that interests me most. If you could re-invent yourself entirely, what pictures would you display? What name would you choose? How much of your real self would you allow to come through?

Personally, I can’t seem to help being mostly myself, even in an online relationship. As a woman living in a world fraught with peril, I try to be careful not to give out identifying information until I feel I know someone well. But even when carrying on a casual conversation or sexual encounter via chat, if I’m not myself while it’s happening I have trouble feeling anything and for me, sex without emotion,  isn’t sex worth having.

What about you? Who do you share yourself with?

So...what do you do...?

"So...what do you do?"
"I'm a fetish photographer."

Oh we have all had it happen at some point or another. We are at a bar, a cocktail party, an art gallery opening or some other gathering of new people who are just dying to find out what everyone else does. But after I am asked this question, things get rather interesting for me. There are those who have no idea of how to react and simply nod and walk away. There are also those who give a disapproving look and walk away. I have also encountered those people who give a knowing look and then who may or may not engage me in further conversation about the issue. Or a combination of the above. But I would have to say that for the most part, the career of a fetish photographer is a misunderstood one by many.

My name if Fenton Ayres and I am a fetish photographer here in Albuquerque. I guess if you wanted to get even more picky about it, I'm an artist, whose medium is photography and who happens to enjoy capturing subjects of an erotic and/or fetish nature. I have been a member of the fetish/kink community for over 30 years now and I have been active in the fetish and BDSM community in Albuquerque for quite some time now...for over 20 years. I feel that the fetish and BDSM communities are both grossly misunderstood by mainstream culture in a variety of ways and I hope to address a great deal of those misconceptions here. I use my photography as a means to both open a glimpse into this world and to also challenge people's perceptions as well.

I am honored to be blogging for Self Serve and I look forward to sharing with you more in the  future.

Until next time,

Be Well!

Fenton Ayres
Desert Penguin Photos

Feeling Virtually Connected, Yet Alone

Just pondering the brilliant juxtaposition of how the internet and modern technology can help me feel totally connected to people all over the world, yet at the same time I can be sitting quietly at a computer, totally alone. It's an odd reality.

The world can feel so small, yet far away. Connections are like soul food. I think of the new word I learned, guanxi. There are all kinds of relationships. The internet, facebook and instant media can connect us. But human contact is irreplaceable.

As a sex educator, I feel closer to people doing work like me. When the powers-that-be say no or sex information is hushed, we have a broader, worldwide support network.

It seems the organizing potential of our techie tools are leading to seemingly spontaneous, highly developed flash mobs and protests. How could organizers plan such events so subtly before?

Distant lovers can enjoy flirting and chemistry over a phone, video chat or email connection. More and more folks are finding the love of their life through dating websites.

I guess I like when such tools lead to live connections. Life.

Pleasure is All About the Senses

We are so lucky as humans. There is potential for pleasure in every sense we possess.

I smell pine trees all around me as I walk on a forest floor of needles, and I'm taken back to days at summer camp walking through the grove. I taste black sea salt sprinkled popcorn ice cream and there's a combination of salty-sweet perfection on my palate. I see the ruby, orange sunset in a clear New Mexico sky and my chest fills with happy calm. I lock eyes with my love and my surroundings fall away. And yes, that Ani D. song makes me smile and I'm suddenly ten years back, driving from DC spontaneously to a concert in Maryland with my best friend.

I recall principles of Buddhism and of mindfulness. It seems a lifelong lesson to simply remember to pay attention. When we do go exploring with our eyes, ears, nose and mouth we can find such pleasure, such adventure, such joyous sensuality.

Every day we will no doubt hear, see, touch and taste life that doesn't alarm or excite us. We turn on the radio and tune it out, watch the news, lightly hug a friend or eat mediocre lunch. If only a little more often we could use each sensual opportunity to feel good. Each bite, look, listen or touch could instead be an opportunity for love.

I seek to be mindful and recognize my choice in the experience. I will look up at the sky instead of the sidewalk. I will look at art instead of the TV. I will turn on music that makes me smile. I will eat delectable, fresh foods instead of lazy, frozen crap. When I kiss my love, I will be present and enjoy the precious moment.

I talk to people at Self Serve about enhancing intimacy or sex with a partner. When we are mindful of each touch, kiss, look or sound our senses can give us a deeper feeling of pleasure. We already have the capability to take our intimacy further. So often it just requires being fully present.

While the concept of mindfulness or being present sounds simple, I acknowledge again that it's a lifelong challenge. It's okay if your brain floats away while you're in bed with your partner, after a stressful day at work. As with meditation practices, just let the distraction pass and come back to the present. Repeat.

Full disclosure: I am grateful for just enjoying yet another orgasmic meal at Jennifer James 101 in Albuquerque. My partner, friends and strangers have observed that I am a "good eater." It's evenings like this that I love my five senses. We enjoyed the shrimp coctel, Marble beer-braised chicken, tuna nicoise, Texas chocolate sheet cake a la mode and popcorn ice cream with sea salt.

5 Reasons for a Prostate Massage | Prostate Cancer: By the Numbers | Prostate Cancer

5 Reasons for a Prostate Massage | Prostate Cancer: By the Numbers | Prostate Cancer

I love that the human body can heal itself and find pleasure at the same time. Two more reasons for men to explore prostate massage: preventing prostate cancer and relieving impotence.