Friday, October 21, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: Power not taken

In Master and slave relationships the Master has assumed control over all things that connect with their sense of power. Control and communication are thought of as one way only, in other words the Master says, the slave does, end of story. But the reality is that some types of control are a little more complicated then that. Just because the Master has the power does not mean that they should one: take that power or two: that they have infinite power over what happens in the end. Because we are talking about two people in the relationship, some things simply do not work that way. It works that way with robots, cars, and other assorted equipment, but not with people.

Once a Master takes control they also take responsibility for making sure that whatever it is not only happens but they are aslo responsible for the end result as well. Sometimes however, Masters take on things that they shouldn’t. There are processes out there that by their very nature should belong solely to the slave, for example if the slave has an illness, is struggling with addiction, or trying to work through abuse issues. If the Master takes control of those things, then the slave ceases to have a say in or an emotional attachment to their own personal struggles, and can remain detached from the process as well as the outcome. Over time what happens is that the slave doesn’t actually have to deal with their own issues, instead they just have to deal with the Master managing those issues, and those are two totally different things.

For those of you that don’t know I am a nurse. I can easily say that just about every day that I go into work I get the same report. It may be a different patient, but it’s the same story. Patient with kidney failure on dialysis, blind, infection in right foot, amputated left foot, all due to complications from noncompliance with diabetes.

So to say the least, diabetes has and always will, scare the crap out of me.

So four years ago when the DR gave my slave that diagnosis, I was stunned, shocked, and full of panic. Not just because I knew what challenges she would face, but because of what that meant for my life as well. So I did what I thought was right, I took over everything. I found her diet information on the internet; I printed out daily diet sheets, got her DR's and diabetic teaching appointments, filed her labs sheets, and made sure she got her labs done. I even started poking her finger for her for her daily blood sugar reading. It is not that she wasn't willing to care for herself , or vested in making herself better , or able to get better, , she was. It was more that I needed that control, and I thought that if I could do it, I could make it go away.

I found though that not only did I take over all of the doing, I took over all of the emotion as well. I was angry, frustrated, and scared and because I was all of those things, she could not be. When I would have a particularly bad day at work because of a non compliant diabetic, I would get angry at her. I took her blood sugar numbers personally, because I felt that I had control over her and the situation so when her blood sugars were high, I would get upset. When I was tired, or distracted, I would forget to check her sugars, or ask her about her carb count.

I knew that if there was not some control over this disease process that we would spend the rest of our lives in one hospital or another. That the dream of me retiring and us traveling like I had always wanted, would disappear in a maze of infections and surgeries and dialysis. The whole thing made me miserable, exhausted, and testy, to say the least.

So one day I stopped. I just stopped.

I couldn’t take control of it anymore, the fear over the outcome became too much.

And then something surprising happened. Slowly, over about a week or so, my slave started owning her own disease process.

It was then that she started taking her own sugars, recording her own carb count, and going to the DR on her own. I got to leave it alone, and let her feel everything that she needed to feel about her own body and what was happening to her, because ultimately that’s who it was happening to, her and not me.

I still fear the outcome, that can’t be helped, but I have removed myself from the all powerful role of Master organizer and replaced it with the much healthier role of Master cheerleader. Some things just need to belong to her, not just for her, but for me to.

We all have personal journeys; these are processes and things that happen to us that are uniquely ours. Sometimes, Masters think that if they can just get their hand in there, that the journey will be different for someone else, better, easier, and that the Masters control can determine a better outcome. But in the trying it is easy to forget that for someone to truly take ownership of their own journey; they also have to control the road.

If you are interested in play parties, hands on workshops, or power munches in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

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