Friday, October 28, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: The Seeker and the Sought

In all relationships there is a concept called the seeker and the sought. There is one person seeking the attention, affirmation, love, and acceptance of another, and there is another person that is the one that is being sought for those things. Being the seeker on a constant basis is exhausting and if they are not validated in their attempts, or if the emotional energy is not returned to them, they will stop seeking and find other ways to replenish their energy. This may be through an outside hobby like stamp collecting, or it may come in the form of another person entirely. Either way the seekers energy is finite and if continues to not be replenished, it will dissipate and end. Being on the sought end, however, is very invigorating and empowering. Being reminded on a consistent basis that you are a bad ass amazing person and that you are loved, not only gives the ego a healthy stroke, but it also gives a person confidence, and changes how they view themselves and their place in the world. It is very much an emotional high. In healthy relationships the roles of seeker and sought change and switch from person to person periodically. This gives both people the ability to replenish, grow, and become strong.

For example in Master and slave relationships traditionally the slave is the seeker and the Master is the sought. In other words the slave is the seeker of the Masters attention, compliments, and love, while the Master is the one who is sought for those things. But not always. Sometimes, the Master also seeks their slave’s approval, compliments, and acceptance. Masters like being told that they have a lot of skill, that their slaves can’t walk or are tired from sex romps, and that they are the big strong butchie in their slave’s life. I know that I do. It makes me feel good.

Think of it this way, when on the job the employees are the seekers and the boss is the sought. If the seekers please the sought then they get attention, approval, a raise, maybe even a promotion. But it is the sought that chooses when, were, if and how this will happen. Another way of looking at it is through family dynamics. In general children are the seekers and parents are the sought, and in both of these examples, abuse abounds. The boss that will not give back positive affirmation and removes resources but continues to demand more and more from their employees, or the partner that demands respect, obedience, affirmation and love, but will not return those things, are all very common.

In Master and slave relationships just like in work and family dynamics, things can become extremely unbalanced. Being sought in any relationship is an automatic position of great power, and being continuously sought, with the expectation of being sought adds to that feeling of control.

Masters that feel that it is their place to be sought and never to seek will slowly (or not so slowly) suck the slave emotionally and physically dry. In the beginning the slave will be able to keep up with the Masters constant demands for attention and energy. Over time however, if the Master remains emotionally needy and greedy, the slave will not be able to keep up, and so the Master will start doing other things to get their emotional fix. Masters will start fights, publicly verbally humiliate and degrade their slave in a non consensual way, and /or play harder or more extreme then before all to get their own emotional needs met. What this does is create a cycle of the slave going deeper and deeper to be able to supply the Master with the emotional energy. After a fight the slave feels bad, so they will emotionally give more, if the Master goes to publicly humiliating the slave then the slave will either give more to get the Master to stop, or the group will join in and the Master will get their emotional needs fulfilled that way, if the Master plays harder or edgier then before, they will use the emotional rush of that play to fulfill their need.

No matter what the action, it all boils down to the same thing.

The constant need of the Master to get their ego stroked and the emotional needs filled through someone else.

If it continues then over time the slave will become emotionally and physically exhausted. Not because they don’t want the Master to have the energy but because in the constant giving without being replenished, they have nothing left to give to their Master, nothing left for themselves and are in essence operating on a base level. At that point they will either continue to exist in their current circumstance, and normalize it, or they will seek outside the relationship for the replenishment of their energies. If the Master is not able to receive any more emotional energy from their slave they may also start seeking outside of the relationship to get their emotional needs met, and the cycle starts over again.

A lot of times we think of the slave’s ability to give as endless. We also tend to think that if the slave is no longer able to give then they are a failure as a slave, and as a person. But the reality is that some things are finite, and energy is one of them. The constant expecting of someone to give is not only unhealthy for the slave but it also creates an unrealistic expectation from the Master.

For relationships to be healthy and successful everyone in them needs to know that they matter, we all need to feel that we are sometimes the seeker and sometimes the sought.

If you are interested in play parties, power munches, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Group name:

New Mexico Fetlifers

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