Disclaimer: My sex work experience is largely in phone sex, pro-Domme/pro-switch sessions, and fetish video. But, I am going to direct my comments here to the larger world of sex work, encompassing all screen performing, live performing, escorting, and all else that I’m neglecting to list here.
Let’s talk about the world’s oldest profession. In my experience, the societal view of sex work claims it’s easy. Women and men who choose sex work, our culture tells us, are throwing away their education, or should go make something better of themselves, because exchanging sex or sexuality for money is a drag on society, morally corrupt, and a waste of one’s talents. For this blog, we're going to examine the last stereotype—that being a sex worker wastes a person’s talents because it is easy. The implied idea in this stereotype whispers: "You're such a smart/pretty/talented/capable girl; you come from such a good family/religion/socio-economic status; why are you doing this?"
I don’t know that I can argue that being a sex worker is easy, even for the sake of argument. I do know that not everyone can do it. In my specific fields, women come in and out. As the inimitable Kelly Payne once said, after we’d shot a video with a submissive girl who seemed like she would work out long time and did!, on how difficult it is to find good talent, “It’s like finding a fucking needle in a fucking haystack, right Ser?”
What does it take, then, to be a successful sex worker?
You’d better be able to easily compartmentalize. Whether you are an escort or a PSO, your clients will tell you many of their darkest secrets. They will tell you about who molested and raped them, how they were abused, how crazy their families were. You can probably talk about these things with a few other sex workers you can trust. Otherwise, you will not be able to discuss this horrifying information with anyone. If you cannot easily create separate files in your mind for these clients and their memories and secrets, you probably won’t make it.
You’d better be able to dissociate. This is not to say you should split yourself into several personalities. (In fact, to be a healthy sex worker, you’d better have a strong sense of self, but that’s another post altogether.) It is to say that you need to be able to remove some of yourself from some situations. The man on the phone or in front of you, for example, getting off to calling you a “filthy whore” or a “cruel, heartless Mommy” might disturb you. You have to remember that this client is not talking about YOU. Some clients will ask you to do things that you find repulsive. You decide if that act is worth the money, and if it is, you need to be able to divide yourself from the repulsive action. Some clients will ask you to do things that you find simply dull. You must be able to step outside of yourself and seem interested.
You’d better be able to put up with a lot of bullshit. Whether you are working in a club, on the phone, or in a house, you will deal with assholes. This is no different from any other profession—except you have little to no legal recourse to deal with these assholes. Men will call you at all hours with no intention of spending a dime on your services. Clients will do their damndest to get extra time from you. People will say terrible things to you—and not pay you to say those things. You can’t go to the cops and say, “I told this man to do an enema before his session, and he didn’t, and now I have shit stains on my carpet.” You can’t even report him in any way to other pro-dommes. (Although some “blacklists” exist, they are sketchily updated at best.) You can’t go to the police to report that you negotiated a $90 tip at the massage parlor and the creep gave you only $45. If you freak out every time something like this happens … you won’t make it.
You’d better be able to put up with assholes in your own industry. Again, this is no different from the outside world except … sex workers do not have professional organizations or institutions of training similar to other professions. (This is not to say that we do not have amazing organizations in the sex biz--but we are busy fighting for our right to exist without prosecution and persecution, you know, and that takes a lot of energy.) You will deal with “fellow sex workers” who consider themselves Sex Workers after two weeks in the industry—and having seen one client. You will talk with sex workers who work in one part of the industry and denigrate other parts. Again, these types of situations are not unique to sex work; they exist in every industry. But, it’s not like you can point out to the bitch claiming to be a serious sex worker that she did not finish her degree and has never edited a full book, whereas you have a Master’s degree and 10 books to your name, 7 of which were successful and 2 of which were on the New York Time’s Best Sellers List. Experience in sex work does give one credibility in our own circles, but the outside world is often so shocked by the idea of a “sex worker” that friends and acquaintances will listen to a woman who worked for six months with the same seriousness that they give the twelve year veteran. And sometimes, those listeners will give Ms Six Months more credibility—because she, in their view, “got out of the biz and did something with her life.”
You’d better trust that you are doing something of value. You are. You help people. You give people amazing sexual and/or erotic experiences. You help people accept themselves. Sometimes, we help people learn how to talk to their partners. Sometimes, we help people shuck off shame and engage in healthier lives. Sometimes, we give people over-burdened the one pleasurable hour or two of their lives each week or month. Very few people outside of the sex industry will recognize even an ounce of the above without you talking with them in great detail over extended periods of time. You have to have that faith in yourself—and if you’re lucky, you’ll make a few supportive friends in the biz.
Different sex industry jobs of course require specific skill sets, but the kind of person who tends to succeed in sex work can do--and does--all of the above. I suppose anyone can try sex work, but if those amateurs do not possess the five qualities discussed here, they will not become professionals. Perhaps as with most professions, "being" the profession is easy, but succeeding at it is anything but facile.
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What else? Are you a sex worker? What qualities do you think are critical to carving success in the sex biz? I’d love to read and engage with your input.
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