20 Communication Tips for Better Sex

• Use your words, and use open ended questions.  Yes/No questions don't elicit enough detail.  Start with, “what would your fantasy date night include?” It might not always be sex!
• Show & Tell!  Show how you like it and watch your partner pleasure themselves.  It’s a very powerful explanation and sexy to watch. 
• Ask what kind of rhythm do you like? faster or slower?
• Tell your partner what works.  Focus on that--not what doesn't.
• Talk about how sex connects you to your partner.
• Admit you don’t know everything -that's normal!
• Recognize with partner(s) that desires, wants and abilities change over time.
• Put your partners hand where you want it, use firmness, touch, positioning by example.  Remember you don’t necessarily want the same thing.
• Write each other notes (like old school ‘check yes or no if you want to try’...) and put them in the lunch bag, wallet or briefcase for a surprise later.

• Talk over brunch, not in the bedroom - the pressure can be too much when you’re about to do it.
• Use position cards or books to share ideas -highlight or underline ideas you like
• Make a date night wish list or sexy gift registry at Self Serve & send each other in to shop
• Watch porn and actually discuss what you found hot or yucky.  Be supportive and open!  If you make shocked faces at what your partner likes, they’re likely to retreat and withhold their opinions next time.

• Try blindfolds –they elevate anticipation & reduce performance anxiety
• Write a love note and tell them what you want to do later with a dry erase pen on the bathroom mirror. 
• Underline your favorite parts of an erotica book.  Read sections out loud to each other later.
• Kiss for at least 10 seconds once a day.  You'll be surprised how long and luxurious 10 seconds can feel!
• Create a code word for romantic time and use it freely in public.  For example, "I'd love to meet up with Mr. Jones later tonight... or “I’d love mangos tonight for dessert”
• Plan two date nights and take turns planning the details.
• Send each other naughty texts when you're at a restaurant, a meeting or family gathering.  Just don't get caught!

It's a party for your butt!

By Hunter Riley for Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center

Self Serve recently stocked its shelves with a toys that's a great introduction to anal play for men and women, and it’s only $30.

We call it the Disco Booty Party, because it’s pretty much a party for your butt, and it has a flashing color-changing light at the end. Some might find it gimmicky, but it also might help you find the desired hole in the dark.  The small light also warms the toy up slightly, and that's always a nice bonus.

It comes in a frosted purple, hard-plastic design with a matte coating, is 3/4 of an inch wide and 3 inches long. It has a flared base, because anything you put in your butt should have one, and a single-speed and function vibration. The toy has a slight angle and a bulb at the base, which helps your sphincter hold onto it, and it can gently stimulate a prostate. If the wearer is excited and properly lubed and warmed up, the sphincter muscles will contract which keeps the toy in place and the contractions feel great too because they bring blood to the area. 

The vibration can help relax the sphincter and other muscles in the area and will give sensation to the nerve endings in the anus as well as the genital area. It’s easy to operate because it has only one push button for on and off.

Since this toy has a smooth, velvety coating on the surface, this toy should only be shared if it has a condom over it.  It can be cleaned with warm water and a gentle soap.  The toy is phthalate-free.

Other tips for anal play include using lots of lubrication, relaxation and communication, and don’t forget the frontal stimulation! If you are enjoying anal play with a partner it’s important to check in with them before, during and after, to make sure they are comfortable and not in pain.   If anything hurts, you’re not doing it right!  We recommend using lots of lube and don’t forget about yours' or your partners’ sensitive bits in the front. Clitoral stimulation can help relax the other muscles near the genitals, which can make anal play more enjoyable, and same thing goes for a penis. 

If you want to know more about anal pleasure, be sure to sign up for our Backdoor Lovin' class on July 24th. You can sign up here, or you can call us at 505 265 5815 to reserve your spot.

Hunter Riley is a sex educator at Self Serve and also manages SEXed, a sex-education blog on WordPress. You can follow her on Facebook and on Twitter.

Sexercise Workouts at Coreworks!

This summer you have the opportunity to get in shape and improve your sex life at the same time.  The best exercise leads to better sex!  August 4th Colleen and Self Serve co-owner Molly Adler will be teaching an intro class that provides the basics.

Sexercise: Kegels, Core, Orgasms and More!

Pilates Instructor Colleen Cummins and Sex Educator Molly Adler lead our workshop on female sexual anatomy and the importance of your core strength.  Learn kegel strengthening exercises, understand the pelvic floor anatomy and discover sexual and physical health benefits of a strong pelvic floor! 


Warning:  This class may intensify orgasms and impress partners.  This class involves pilates mat work, so please bring a mat if you have one and wear comfortable clothing.  


At Self Serve, Saturday, August 4th at 10 am
$40/person, sign up online or call 505-265-5815

--

In Depth Mat Classes Take Core Sexercise Work to a New Level

Join us 4 Tuesdays this August at CoreWorks to build on the information and skills learned in Self Serve’s Sexercise class. As a group, we’ll practice and build a home program that helps you make sexercise workouts part of your regular fitness habits. With a close eye and individualized attention, Colleen Cummins will use the foundation of Pilates mat work to expand our experience of specialized techniques for pelvic floor strength that generate strong movement as well as sexual pleasure. Fitness can feel good.

Sexercise Mat Classes at CoreWorks:

When:

• Tuesdays in August beginning August 7th

  8/7, 8/14, 8/21, 8/24

  8 am- 9 am

Where:

• At CoreWorks Pilates studio 

  127 Bryn Mawr SE in Nob Hill 

How Much:

• $25/class or $80 for all 4 classes

How do I sign up?

• Make your reservation by July 20th.  You can sign up with Self Serve online or call 505-265-5815 to get on the list.  Space is limited so sign up early!

CoreWorks is a women-owned boutique Pilates studio. The space and teaching approach provides for a private, safe, and empowering environment.

For questions specific to the Sexercise Workout class please contact Colleen at colleencummins@me.com or 505.239.7285.

Bio for Colleen Cummins: CoreWorks Studio Owner

As an experienced Pilates instructor and personal trainer with a degree in Exercise Science, Colleen’s expertise is with special problems or rehab clients as well as general fitness and sport conditioning. 

Colleen started her career in a hospital-based fitness facility with cardiac, pulmonary, and orthopedic rehab using both traditional land-based and water-based exercise modalities. She initiated her study of yoga in 1992, and shortly thereafter began her study of the work taught by Joseph Pilates. Apprenticing under Michele Larsson and Colleen Glenn, she received her teacher certification in 1997.  

Colleen opened her own personal training business in 1992, and with her move to Albuquerque in 2001, her studio became a purely classic Pilates studio. There she incorporates all her experiences while focusing on the Pilates technique in order to assist her students achieve their varied goals. As a teacher, Colleen draws from many disciplines and describes her teaching style as a collaboration or partnership with her clients.

Bisexuality Gets Visible in Health Care

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Mini Self Serve Workshops at Pridefest

This year at ABQ PrideFest on Saturday, June 30th, there is a hot new entertainment area- bringing the SEX back to sexual identity at Pride!

Our sexuality is an important part of being human.  Having consensual, safe and fulfilling sex throughout our adulthood is both satisfying and adds to our growth experience.  Unleash is one of the many new features of PrideFest that will offer a private place for adults to receive education and experiment with new ideas about sex.  And it's inside, so you can take a break from the hot sun!

Molly and Matie of Self Serve are offering free mini sex ed workshops at Unleash.  Our schedule:

3:45 pm  Our Favorite LGBT-friendly Sex Toys:  Meet your new best friend! Join Self Serve co-owner Matie Fricker for a quick run down of the TOP TEN LGBT Sex Toys.

4:15 pm  Hot Safer Sex:  We know we should have safer sex, but often we don't know how to make safe sex sexy. Join Self Serve co-owner Matie Fricker in a quickie that will give you the tools to use safe sex supplies to have the best sex EVER.

5:00 pm  Strap Ons:  Get Self Serve's Top 10 Tips for having better strap on sex.  Learn about the newest gear, Reach the best hot spots, Find your rhythm and own it!

5:30 pm  Trans Sex Tips:  Self Serve co-owner & Sex Educator Molly Adler will provide sex tips for trans folks and their partners. Gain resources, Find sex positive language, Explore toys & Get creative in the skin you're in!

Unleash will be open from 11am-6pm with shopping, photos, and hanging out—cool down after the Parade! Take a “Break the Shame Chain” photo (photos will be available with Alibi and Fox Fotography).

Many have come together to present…

• New Mexico Leather League: Demonstrations of Single Tail, Temporary Piercing, Florentine Flogging, and Decorative Rope Work.  Also, a “What Is Leather” Discussion.
• New Mexico: The Next Generation: ”Negotiation 101″ class, and demonstrations on Mummification and Rhythmic Spanking.
• New Mexico FetLifers: ”How to Play Kinky with a Cupcake”. Learn how to spice it up, talk to your partner, and some basics of fetish fun with our amazing Cupcake!. Also, poetry by Rich Boucher, rope demonstration by Troll, and violet wand demonstration with CountBlackRose.
• NovelTease New Mexico: The lost stage art of Burlesque.
• Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center: Sex education for grown-ups.

Lots more at Unleash all day!  Check out burlesque, kink, lectures and more.  There are 2 stages and lots to see.  Here is the full schedule:

12:30 pm   NM Leather League Demonstrations & Discussion

1:00 pm     NovelTease Burlesque

1:30 pm     The Next Generation Demos & Education

2:30 pm     How to Play Kinky with a Cupcake

3:00 pm     NovelTease Burlesque

3:30 pm     Leather: Who Needs it? with Special Guest Patrick Mulcahey -link

3:45 pm     Self Serve Sex Ed: LGBT friendly Sex Toys

4:15 pm     Self Serve Sex Ed: Hot Safer Sex

4:30 pm     Poetry by Rich Boucher

4:50 pm     Rope Demonstration by Troll

5:00 pm     Self Serve Sex Ed: Strap Ons

5:10 pm     Violet Wand Demonstration

5:30 pm     Self Serve Sex Ed:  Trans Sex Tips

Pridefest admission starts at $15.  Purchase tickets online through June 29th

Self Serve on Coyote 102.5

Join Molly & Matie on 102.5!  We will be offering sex advice with Erica Viking and Big Benny on Coyote 102.5 every Tuesday morning at 9 am.

We'll answer sex questions, introduce new sex toys, and share resources for learning more.  Use the Self Serve, Big Benny or Erica Viking Facebook pages to suggest topics and ask questions!  You can listen from anywhere... click to listen streaming online.

We'll see if Big Benny is wearing a shirt come tomorrow morning...

Sex After 50 in the ABQ Journal

We were pleased to see another article highlighting sex for people over 50 in this week's Albuquerque Journal.  Our culture is not too sex positive when it comes to aging, but that's one more reason Self Serve exists.  Here's to a life of much pleasure, at any age!

TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS  

It’s just a myth that people in their 50s and 60s aren’t interested in sex 

 

BY RICK NATHANSON    

from the Albuquerque Journal, June 3, 2012

 

Ask young people if they think their parents and grandparents still enjoy sex, and it may evoke a roll of the eyes and an exclamation of “gross!” 

 

That “ick” factor is partly the result of living in a youth-obsessed culture, and partly the result of the myth that people reaching their 50s and 60s are neither sexy nor interested in sex, says Molly Adler, a sexuality educator and co-owner of Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center in Albuquerque. 

 

The Nob Hill store (selfservetoys.com  ) sells sex toys, books, body products, videos and other adult fare in a fun, informative and guilt-free setting. 

 

It’s a fact that bodies do change as they get older, and some of these changes are physiological and have a direct impact on a person’s desire or ability to perform sexually as they did when younger, says Dr. Aaron Geswaldo, a urologist with Albuquerque Urology Associates. 

 

There is a correlation between good health and good sex. Simply put, says Geswaldo, eat healthy; maintain an ideal weight range; exercise to improve strength and cardiovascular circulation; get high blood pressure, diabetes and other conditions controlled by medication if necessary; and stop smoking (besides the other health dangers associated with smoking, nicotine can constrict blood vessels and ultimately be a factor in erectile dysfunction, he says). 

 

There can also be a host of relationship problems that put the kibosh on sex for the 50-and-older crowd, says Kelly Chicas, a board-certified clinical sex therapist and counselor with Albuquerque Family Counseling ( albuquerquefamilycounseling.com  ). 

 

Life transitions, such as retirement, often bring with it a loss of personal identity or the realization that the intervening years have made a couple strangers to one another, says Chicas, who specializes in couples and sexuality issues.     

 

“The kids have been raised and gone off, and now it’s just the two of them in the house, and if they have lost touch with each other over the years, they are unprepared for how empty the nest feels. They may look at their partner and think, who are you?”     

 

Despite the myths, she says, the over-50 crowd is also more open to experimentation and the use of sex toys, or “passion products,” as she prefers to call them.    

 

 *Put it into practice    Here are some observations and strategies for keeping the romance alive by getting aging bodies to cooperate with willing minds.     

 

Older couples may need to “redefine” what sex is to accommodate their changing bodies, says Adler. “They may de-emphasize vaginal intercourse, and try other pleasurable experiences involving the use of sex toys, erotic touch and massage.” 

 

*Aging baby boomers may experience divorce or the death of a spouse. Many of them are “getting back in the saddle again,” says Adler, and as a result, this demographic is experiencing more sexually transmitted diseases. Check out Self Serve for a course in safe sex, condom usage and making safe choices. 

 

*Sexual dysfunction is often a result of high blood pressure, diabetes and conditions that cause narrowing of arteries and vessels. Some medications to treat these conditions “may decrease blood flow to the penis itself or can cause side effects like loss of libido,” says Geswaldo. Consult your doctor. 

 

*Medications, such as antidepressants, as well as hormone changes that accompany menopause, can stifle a woman’s libido, affect blood flow and reduce vaginal secretions, says Chicas. Medications and lubricants can alleviate some of these problems. 

 

*Look at the “empty nest” as an opportunity to get to know your spouse again, Chicas says. The empty nest is also an opportunity to have sex anywhere, anytime. 

 

*As men age their testosterone levels decline, resulting in a type of male menopause marked by decreased libido and lack of energy and motivation. Testosterone replacement therapy may be a good option. 

 

*An enlarged prostate does not in itself affect sexual function, Geswaldo says, but the frequent urge to urinate caused by the condition can ruin the moment. Check with your doctor about medications to control the symptoms. 

 

*Viagra and similar medications are highly effective in the treatment of ED, but can have side effects such as light-headedness, runny nose, blurry vision and headaches. 

 

*Alternatives to Viagra-type medications may include the use of prescription dilator compounds selfinjected into the penis prior to sex, or by using an external vacuum pump to pull blood into the penis. 

 

*“There is no normal” when it comes to sex, Chicas says. “Normal is what’s normal for you and your partner. As long as you’re both happy with it, then that’s the norm.”  

 

   

Interactive BJ Learning!

And by interactive we mean dildos.  


Stevie will be teaching another amazing BJ class on June 20th at the shop.  Sign up now... last month's class sold out!


Details:  Bulk up your blow job resume with this hands-on (a dildo, not a
person) workshop that teaches you about male sexual response and
reproductive anatomy before allowing participants to get some
“mouth-on” practice of new techniques, tips, tricks, and positions.
This class is for anyone who has a dick in their life and is
interested in showing it a little more oral loving!  $20/person or $35/pair

We’ll provide sterilized dildos for your use during the class, and if
you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact the instructor,
Stevie Morrison, at ToyPartyStevie@gmail.com

50 Shades of Grey Leads to Sexercise Explosion!

A funny side effect since 50 Shades of Grey's immense popularity?  A boom in pc exercise toy sales.  Many women are walking into Self Serve and asking about Ben Wa balls or kegel toys.  Apparently, Fun Factory is seeing such an effect that TMZ is reporting on it.

TMZ published a wonderfully-titled piece, 'Fifty Shades of Grey' Linked to Vagina Ball Explosion.  I pretty much love this article header.  Luckily there hasn't been an actual vagina ball explosion in the pyrotechnical sense, to my knowledge.  But it's true that many a lady is reading about these 'vagina balls' and discovering the joys and challenges of toning pc muscles and wearing a sneaky kegel toy inside her vagina.

The thing is, we often steer ladies away from the classic Ben Wa balls they've read about, unless they're sexual athletes already.  The original Ben Wa balls are actually quite small, heavy and slippery.  For most sexually active adult women, especially moms, Ben Wa balls are very challenging to hold in.  They are like the advanced model.  It's one thing to wear these kegel toys secretly, but it's a whole other experience when you sneeze in public and 'lose your marbles.'  We wouldn't want that, now would we?

If you're looking to try wearing a toy inside vaginally to tone pc muscles, then start with the newer models, like Smartballs from Fun Factory or the Ami set from JeJoue.  These are much better designs for women that aren't as in touch with their kegels.  


While this 'vagina ball explosion' may be inspired by a sexy suggestion in 50 Shades of Grey, it's a great activity to try for your health!  Doing pc exercises and toning your pelvic floor has all sorts of benefits for both your sex life and your general health.


Here are a few benefits from having toned pc muscles in your pelvic floor:

• stronger orgasms
• easier ability to orgasm
• minimizing incontinence
• squeezing your partner during sex
• better posture and stability

You don't technically need any toys to do your kegels.  If you want to try to sexercise at home, here's a basic way to begin from dodsonandross.com:

• The pubococcygeus muscles are the muscles that support your pelvic anatomy and surround your urethra, vagina and anus. Strengthening them can both increase the intensity of your orgasms and your ability to have more than one.

• To identify your PC muscle simple stop your urine flow the next time you go to the bathroom. The muscles that you squeeze to do this are the PC muscles. Essentially, squeezing these muscles several times a day is one way to perform Kegels.

• Squeeze the PC muscles for 10 seconds  - pulling up with the vagina and then releasing completely for 10 seconds. It is as important to fully relax the muscles as it is to squeeze them tightly. 

• That's it!  The exercises are best while holding proper posture, and building up in reps as you get stronger.  Popular ways to incorporate kegels into your routine include: kegel during red lights, kegel while you brush your teeth, kegel while waiting in line,  kegel in the shower or during any daily activity.  The beautiful thing is that you can kegel anywhere!

StrapOn Sex 101 How-To Videos

I am a fan and promoter of Strap On Sex.  I wish for all to try it and I support the strap on revolution.  It's not just for the lesbians anymore!

Enjoy our series on strap on sex and learn how to be the best strapper in all the land.  Keep in mind many of these sex tips can be applied to doing it with attached penises, too!  A studious and learned lover is a good lover. (or at least chances are better)

These sex how-to videos will introduce you to strap on sex myths and facts, strap on preparation, choosing strap on sex toys, thinking about size (it does matter) and taking care with the ins and the outs of doing it, doing it and doing it well.