Friday, May 13, 2011

Leather Bear Tails: When Dominants abuse protection

Unfortunately there are too many stories out there about how Dominants abuse the concept of protection, everything ranging from pressuring the one who they are protecting for sex and play (sometimes subtlety, sometimes not subtlety), to the outright isolation, and intentional withholding of knowledge and understanding.

Although not all Dominant’s use protection for those things, it is my belief that the concept of protection has become extremely skewed from its original use. It has become more about what the Dominant can get instead of what the Dominant can give.

Over the last few years I have seen a drastic increase in Dominants that “protect”, and a few disturbing trends have made themselves abundantly clear, the older the dominant, the younger the one under protection, the ratio of male dominants to female protection is very high, and when the males or females that were once protected are no longer “under protection” they have a tendency to disappear. I am not saying that these things are always true; I am not saying that all older men are predators, and I am not saying that there aren’t other reasons for people to leave the lifestyle. What I am saying is that what I am personally seeing has greatly disturbing trends.

At an event last year a man came up to me and asked if I would like to see his slave who was also under his protection. I said sure, and on his phone was a spread naked picture of what seemed to be a barely legal girl. I was shocked and taken aback, as I did not know this man well. I began to wonder how many people had also seen this naked girl, and was she aware that he was very willing to show her to anyone who expressed an interest. This was protection? I have not seen this girl since she left his protection. I wonder what does she think about her experiences now?
How does she view herself now? Did this experience further her knowledge of kink and leather, or did it do the opposite? Most of all, I wondered, do those things even matter to the Dominant that showed her naked front side to anyone and everyone?

I also find that some Dominants make the community seems so dangerous that a person walking into it needs someone to constantly watch out for their safety. The warnings of "don’t go to that group", or "only go to a play party when the Dominant is present, and don’t leave the Dominants side", or "don’t speak with that person they are dangerous", are in great abundance. The end product being that the one under protection becomes more and more isolated, and more and more afraid. It also creates a submissive that is less and less able to actively move about in the community without a Dominant present.

Although some of the reasons that the protector gives may sound legitimate, many times under the surface they are questionable.

Stay away from that group because they (fill in the blank) ~ sounds legit, be careful, ok, but cutting out an entire group of people vastly decreases the submissives ability to create new friendships and learn. Although some groups might be questionable in their group dynamics, it is really important for a person to find that out for themselves. One person’s toxic group is another person’s free space. I have to catch myself with this as well, although I have my own views about certain groups in the community, ultimately it isn't my choice to make.

Only go to a play party when the Dominant is present and don’t leave the Dominants side~ sounds legit, kind of~ in reality they are all types of play parties. Some are geared to be more safe then others, but again, if the submissive is looking to be a part of the lifestyle and wanting to go to public spaces, then there is only one way to do it. A Dominant can’t protect a submissive from the world, and quite frankly they shouldn’t have to. For a submissive to walk through the community with an internal sense of pride and self, they need to develop this on their own. I am not saying not to come to the Dominant if there isn’t trouble, what I am saying is that staying by someone’s side all evening doesn’t allow self sufficiency to develop.

Stay away from that person~ they are inappropriate with new young people coming in; sound legit, be careful, ok, but the truth is that there are a lot of people that don’t understand how to treat submissives. Having the submissive learn how to deal with inappropriate people quickly grows confidence and freedom to handle any public space.

If you are looking to be protected then do yourself a favor, stop listen and learn first. There are many parts of the community were new members can come in and freely maneuver without threat or fear. Don’t let anyone convince you that you need them or their protection (for a cost).

If you are looking for power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuqueruqe area please contact:

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

The New Mexico group name is:

New Mexico fetlifers

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