Brickhouse Betties Hands on Workshop:Tantra for Big Bodies

Greetings Everyone!!

Come join us this month as we focus on tantric breathing and techniques that are geared towards big bodies. In an environment where you can feel free to ask questions, our presenter Stan Alexander will be going over how to position yourself comfortably, the advantages of learning to be in your body, and most of all the art of breathing with a partner, in a class enviorment that is filled with other wonderful people of size.

Bring at least 2-3 pillows and comfortable clothes for comfort and if the mood suits you, tasty snacks to munch on after the workshop!

Presenter Bio:

Stan Alexander has had an interest in altered states of consciousness, and erotic expression for many years. As a result, he has spent much of his life studying how the human erotic experience can be brought to a higher level. As a workshop presenter, Stan has conducted numerous classes on Tantra, Erotic Hypnosis, and Kink. Stan holds a Master of Education in Counseling, as well as being certified as a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and Life Coach. For more information please go to www.stanalexander.com

When: Wednesday, November 2^nd at 7:30 pm
Where: Self Serve Sexual Resource Center
3904 Central Ave SE # B
Albuquerque, NM 87108-1057
(505) 265-5815

Cost: Free!!
Attire: Comfortable

Black is Still the New Black and Fat is still Fat...

Addressing the Top 2 Myths about Body Issues Within the 21st Century African American Community

I have never been shy about expressing my hatred for the saying ”_____is the new black” by people trying to get attention to their activist cause. A good example can be found the phrase, "Gay is the new Black!". It’s patronizing in the assumption that blacks have “arrived” and there’s no more struggle or oppression left to talk about or deal with. It’s because of similar reasons that I have officially hit my saturation point with hearing about how “things are so much better for fat women within the African American community because they have an appreciation for bigger bodies”. Feh. This blanket statement is usually followed by testimonials from happy caucasian women about how they have found the promised land among blacks in finally achieving the sensual and sexual validation that they were looking for. BBW Bashes seem to be a veritable cornucopia of handsome men of color seeking out luscious bodied partners’ which for many of these ladies seems to verify everything that they have heard when it comes to how advanced the African American community is in issues of body acceptance.

The reality of body image within the African American community is a lot more complex than most of the general public is aware of or in most cases is even comfortable addressing. So for your viewing pleasure my fatty loving chickies, I’m addressing two of the top myths and issues concerning BBW Love within the community.

1. BBW Bash Fever! - This is a common one that I run into. I hear a number of women come with glowing bash reports about how they are treated like queens by black men and how an increasing number of white men feel the need to constantly vie for the affections of these lovely ladies. The feeling that you are wanted and desired by many is something that many beautiful fatties are still lacking. The well meaning assumption by these ladies is that this cathartic and joyful experience is shared by all the women present. It’s not.

What many of these lovely ladies fail to realize is that the common factor for all of these beautiful stories is that all of the women involved are caucasian or fair skinned Latina. For many dark-skinned African American women there are no battle royales at the bashes for their favors’. Quite conversely, having so many women of other races talk about how they are being fought over while they themselves are left on the sidelines can frequently increase feelings of alienation and the sense that they aren’t desirable. In other words, a mahogany princess comes to feel like white knights and black knights only rescue white damsels.

2. The African American Community LOVES its Fat Women! - Erm...no. - As the middle class values of mainstream America have infiltrated into a wider segment of the African American population, the days where curves’ where widely and openly embraced are quickly going the way of the dodo. Self hatred is a multi-billion dollar industry and once companies realized that there was “gold in them thar black hills”, the pressure to fit into the beauty ideal of thin, white, and straight haired was increased exponentially. Let’s look at the evolution of the Mammy figure for what it really is shall we. In a number of Yoruba and Igbo cultures that were bought over and enslaved, the previous beauty standard did include dark skinned women who were considered beautiful because they were fat, wide hipped, and shiny faced. Many of my generation and older can definitely remember the beautification ritual of being “polished”with Vaseline or lotion by our parents' until our skin glowed and shone like a jewel. Once bought over to the Americas' as slaves however, this beauty preference came under severe ridicule and what was once a signifier of beauty became an object of derision. The goddess of beauty was transformed by the slave owning culture into a safe asexual clown figure. Not surprisingly, the features possessed by the Mammy (dark skin, wide hips, large breasts, and big lips) came to be viewed with embarrassment within the African American community.

Sadly, not much has changed and embarrassment that many African Americans feel when they see a fat and dark skinned woman on television is still being felt. You’ll hear comments that center around the need for more positive (read thinner and lighter) representations of black women in the media. People aren’t angry at Gabrielle Sidibe for starring in a film centering around the stereotypical tragic black woman, they’re angry at her for representing a segment of their female population that they still feel great shame about. In other words, it’s not the roles she’s playing; it’s the rolls on her body that makes a sadly large number of African Americans ashamed. Yemaya for many isn’t a goddess to be revered with all of her wide hipped and dark skinned matronly sex appeal; she’s to be kept quietly in the closet.

As seen in my previous post, I am finding all of the negative attention being put on black women’s audacity to take up space while none is being put on finding paths to emotional health and happiness to be a distressing and heartbreaking issue. Deifying my community as a safe space for fatties not only ignores the complex realities of what it’s like to be black and fat, but it also feels like a shiny happy face is being put on our pain. Still, I would love to see the day when these myths become realities….

Brickhouse Chronicles: Fat Positive Cheerleader Burnout: What Would Kermit Do?

I’m writing this blog under duress. My Beloved Wife (aka She Who Must Be Obeyed) told me that I needed to write a blog by this Friday because it would be “good for me” and that the writing process would help me stop beating myself up over feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the running of the Brickhouse Betties group. She stated that writing a fat positive blog would be a wonderful experience in that it would help me become more emotionally centered. I reluctantly and grumpily agreed that she was right, whereupon I then proceeded to procrastinate all week long on the actual writing of the “therapy blog”.

My justification on why I wasn’t starting the blog usually veered around the area of “I don’t have the time for this” or the more self deprecating but emotionally honest reason of “I’m too scared and tired to keep putting myself out there”. So there I was two hours before my deadline and still steadfastly avoiding putting cyber pen to paper and thinking, “what the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this done?”, when it hit me……..I didn’t want to focus on myself in an honest and self nurturing way.

Like many people, I’m in the throes of Fatty Cheerleader Burnout.

I define Fatty Cheerleader Burnout as that state of mental, emotional, and sometimes physical exhaustion that can come to someone when they get so caught up in the righteous fight for fat and body positive image awareness, that it becomes all too easy to avoid taking care of themselves. It can become a vicious cycle where the amount of self awareness needed to simply say “I need a break” isn’t there because the person needs a break in order to come to that conclusion. If it sounds familiar to many of you, it’s because it’s happens to everyone. I doesn’t just happen to fat positive cheerleaders, it happens to political activists, teachers, spiritual leaders (organizing pagans is like herding cats), social organizers, caregivers’, parents’ and supportive wives who make their spouses write blogs.

I’m in good company!!

So let’s say that you’ve identified that you are in the throes of Fatty Cheerleader Burnout, the next dilemma for a lot of people is what do you do now? In all honesty, I’m slowly making my way through the healing and renewal process but here are the personal goals that I have for combating FCB…. maybe they can help you too.

1) Give Myself Permission to Feel Whatever Emotions Wash Over Me Without the Guilt- Once I finally admit that I’m going through burnout, letting myself feel emotions such as grief, anger, and resignation is quite difficult for me to do without feeling very guilty. I’ve internalized the idea that these emotions somehow convey that I’m not a good leader because I’m not happy and strong all the time. Giving myself the affirming message that “it’s okay to not be okay”, is certainly a lot harder than it sounds, but I know that I can do it. Right now, I’m finding that saying “I’M NOT OKAY!!” out loud is having a surprisingly cathartic effect.

2) Unconditionally Accept the Reassurance and Loving Positivity that People Give to Me When I Reach Out for Help- Like with many people who experience Fatty Cheerleader Burnout, I tend to feel panic and surprise when people offer words of comfort and encouragement. I know that one of the main reasons for this is that I still feel like I’m whining when I share what I’m really going through. I know that part of the process of loving myself means that I need to accept the fact that other people love me too.

3) Don’t Take the Journey of Others Personally- As the founder of a fat positive group, it has become waaaaay to easy for me to internalize every pitfall that my Betties face as a personal failing on my part. Telling myself things such as “If I was a leader then she wouldn’t continue to engage in fat hating relationships” and so forth, has taken more of a toll on me than I realized and I am having to relearn the importance of letting people make their own mistakes. This is allowing me the emotional space to concentrate on my own.

While this has been a difficult blog to write, in end I’m glad that Beloved made me do, if only for the simple reason of being able to say “thank you” to everyone for all that you make the Brickhouse Betties. And a special thank you to my beautiful wife for all that you make me.

Brickhouse Betties Yahoo Group:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Brickhouse_Betties/

Brickhouse Betties Facebook Group:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/brickhousebetties/

My Wife’s Amazing Leather Bear Blog

http://selfserved.blogspot.com/2011/07/leather-bear-tails-through-looking.html

Brickhouse Chronicles: The Battle Is Never Over....

I want to thank everyone for making last night’s Fatty Invasion at Luigi’s so much fun! The food was wonderful and the company was highly enjoyable! It always makes me so happy to hear people learning to relax, have a good time, and let of the guilt that many of us carry when we eat. Which is why I am so angry about an aspect of last night’s Invasion.

The Brickhouse Betties mission is to enable people to love their bodies unconditionally and provide a sanctuary from the fat and body hatred that has become an epidemic within our society. Having the “no diet discussion” rule is golden at the Betties’ discussion group because it challenges everyone to love themselves in a way that they haven’t before. It helps people drop that feeling that they’re always fighting an uphill battle in having a body that is considered “beautiful” by mainstream society and helps them realize that the body they have right now is beautiful. The no “diet talk” rule also helps prevent people from being triggered back into their eating disorders.

So, it should come as no surprise that my tolerance of diet discussion at a place where people are learning to love their body and what they put in it during a meal is less than zero. I am absolutely LIVID that dieting was being discussed last night over dinner. If the concept of not drowning in guilt while you’re eating is too advanced and scary for you, then please DO NOT COME TO THE INVASION. By talking about what diets’ you’re on now, in the past, or plan or being on in the future, you are taking away from the joy of the experience not only from yourself but from the people around you. WE ARE NOT A WEIGHT LOSS SUPPORT GROUP. The Bettie’s Invasion is meant to give people a break from the messages’ that are rammed down their throats on a daily basis about their self worth and nothing breaks down that trust in the sanctuary that our group provides faster than a discussion about dieting and food policing.

This applies to members’ of the Betties ‘ no matter how long you have been with us. The “No Diet Discussion” rule doubly applies to the Betties outings and if I come across discussion about dieting or am made aware of it by a member, the participating members will be asked to leave the meeting area IMMEDIATELY. End of discussion.

The people of this group and me have worked too hard on our journey of self love to turn back now and within the safety of our group these accomplishments are to be celebrated and cherished without question.

Brickhouse Betties Yahoo Group:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Brickhouse_Betties/

Brickhouse Betties Facebook Group:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/brickhousebetties/

My Wife’s Amazing Leather Bear Blog Home

http://www.blogger.com/profile/10359506735811402423