Leather Bear Tails: Pride vs. Entitlement

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Leather Bear Tails: Giving back, The evolution of AEL Kinkskills

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Find Your G-Spot!

First of all, some myth busting:

Yes, everyone has one.  No, it's not a myth.  No, not everyone will ejaculate buckets from g-spot stimulation.

But it sure can be fun to look for your g-spot and do some "research"!

First of all, your fingers are a fine way to find your g-spot.  You don't necessarily need any toys.  Of course, Self Serve isn't going to argue if you like helpful g-spot accessories.

Keep in mind while every female has a g-spot, not everyone finds it so pleasurable to stimulate.  Also, the vast majority of women need some kind of clitoral stimulation in order to get off.  That may mean oral sex, erotic touch, vibrators or something else- but usually intercourse isn't the easiest route to orgasm for women.  Don't give up on communication - most of us don't share enough with our partners.

Turn yourself on or enjoy pleasure however you normally do.  The clitoris is a popular route!  Once you are aroused, insert one or two fingers vaginally.  Curve fingers in a 'come hither' motion toward your belly.  Bear down your muscles in the pelvic floor to push your g-spot out a bit.  It is totally normal to feel like you have to pee when you stimulate the g-spot, since the g-spot is right near your urethra.  The g-spot feels more textured than the smoothness of the vaginal canal.  You'll know you're in the right spot when it feel more round and bumpy.

Remember to breathe and relax your muscles.  Many women suck in, stop breathing, and tighten muscles during sex.  Sometimes this can be arousing, but you need to take deep breaths and relax muscles to enjoy your g-spot.

Try rhythmic massage in a circular motion on your g-spot.  Alternate external stimulation and g-spot massage.  As you get more and more aroused you may experience new pleasure and sensation.

Some toys are great for g-spot play if and when you want to explore more.  Lots of toys don't have to cost much either.  I have a shop, http://www.selfservetoys.com where the G-Shift toy is popular - and only $19.95.  People often respond well to glass or metal dildos, too.

Don't forget to have fun exploring!  Remember that even if you 'find' it, that doesn't mean you'll have instant pleasure.

Learn more with our fun videos on Self Serve's Youtube channel.

Meet the JeJoue G-Ki vibrator and learn why it's an excellent G-spot vibrator:





Check out the Njoy Pure Wand and see why stainless steel makes a gorgeous g-spot sex toy:

Leather Bear Tails: When Dominants abuse protection

Unfortunately there are too many stories out there about how Dominants abuse the concept of protection, everything ranging from pressuring the one who they are protecting for sex and play (sometimes subtlety, sometimes not subtlety), to the outright isolation, and intentional withholding of knowledge and understanding.

Although not all Dominant’s use protection for those things, it is my belief that the concept of protection has become extremely skewed from its original use. It has become more about what the Dominant can get instead of what the Dominant can give.

Over the last few years I have seen a drastic increase in Dominants that “protect”, and a few disturbing trends have made themselves abundantly clear, the older the dominant, the younger the one under protection, the ratio of male dominants to female protection is very high, and when the males or females that were once protected are no longer “under protection” they have a tendency to disappear. I am not saying that these things are always true; I am not saying that all older men are predators, and I am not saying that there aren’t other reasons for people to leave the lifestyle. What I am saying is that what I am personally seeing has greatly disturbing trends.

At an event last year a man came up to me and asked if I would like to see his slave who was also under his protection. I said sure, and on his phone was a spread naked picture of what seemed to be a barely legal girl. I was shocked and taken aback, as I did not know this man well. I began to wonder how many people had also seen this naked girl, and was she aware that he was very willing to show her to anyone who expressed an interest. This was protection? I have not seen this girl since she left his protection. I wonder what does she think about her experiences now?
How does she view herself now? Did this experience further her knowledge of kink and leather, or did it do the opposite? Most of all, I wondered, do those things even matter to the Dominant that showed her naked front side to anyone and everyone?

I also find that some Dominants make the community seems so dangerous that a person walking into it needs someone to constantly watch out for their safety. The warnings of "don’t go to that group", or "only go to a play party when the Dominant is present, and don’t leave the Dominants side", or "don’t speak with that person they are dangerous", are in great abundance. The end product being that the one under protection becomes more and more isolated, and more and more afraid. It also creates a submissive that is less and less able to actively move about in the community without a Dominant present.

Although some of the reasons that the protector gives may sound legitimate, many times under the surface they are questionable.

Stay away from that group because they (fill in the blank) ~ sounds legit, be careful, ok, but cutting out an entire group of people vastly decreases the submissives ability to create new friendships and learn. Although some groups might be questionable in their group dynamics, it is really important for a person to find that out for themselves. One person’s toxic group is another person’s free space. I have to catch myself with this as well, although I have my own views about certain groups in the community, ultimately it isn't my choice to make.

Only go to a play party when the Dominant is present and don’t leave the Dominants side~ sounds legit, kind of~ in reality they are all types of play parties. Some are geared to be more safe then others, but again, if the submissive is looking to be a part of the lifestyle and wanting to go to public spaces, then there is only one way to do it. A Dominant can’t protect a submissive from the world, and quite frankly they shouldn’t have to. For a submissive to walk through the community with an internal sense of pride and self, they need to develop this on their own. I am not saying not to come to the Dominant if there isn’t trouble, what I am saying is that staying by someone’s side all evening doesn’t allow self sufficiency to develop.

Stay away from that person~ they are inappropriate with new young people coming in; sound legit, be careful, ok, but the truth is that there are a lot of people that don’t understand how to treat submissives. Having the submissive learn how to deal with inappropriate people quickly grows confidence and freedom to handle any public space.

If you are looking to be protected then do yourself a favor, stop listen and learn first. There are many parts of the community were new members can come in and freely maneuver without threat or fear. Don’t let anyone convince you that you need them or their protection (for a cost).

If you are looking for power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuqueruqe area please contact:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

The New Mexico group name is:

New Mexico fetlifers

Secret Fantasies

So many of us hold consistent sexual fantasies that fuel our desire, and yet too often they are held secret, never shared with those we love.

A brief advice column in the Guardian recently summed it up for many women.  A British Psychotherapist Brett Kahr completed a vast study in 2007 on sexual behavior and fantasy.  He found some amazing results about fantasies:

• There is no "normal."  After studying 19,000 fantasies he only found consistency in their diversity.
• Everyone has fantasies.  The study found 96 per cent of British adult males and about 90 per cent of females report having sexual fantasies. 
• Some fantasies can lead to deeper intimacy, but some may not work out as planned.  Acting out fantasies requires a great deal of compassion, creativity and trust on behalf of the partnership, and I have seen a number of marriages founder when such role-plays have gone awry. Certainly psychotherapists would recommend much consideration before enacting a sexual fantasy scenario, bearing in mind that a fantasy and a reality might be experienced rather differently.

10 Masturbation Tips

1) SING. A lot of people hold their breath during sex. Doing so makes it harder for blood to get to your nether regions. So, try humming or singing during masturbation. This keeps you breathing and can help you relax. What song are you wacking off to?

2) FLIP. Often people learn to masturbate in one way as a child and continue doing themselves the same way into adulthood. Try switching up your routine to keep things spicy. Flip over, tease yourself, watch new porn, read new erotica, think up a new fantasy, or try a new toy. We can train our bodies to come in new and different ways if we experiment and take our time.

3) WATER. Many people discover the pleasure their genitals can feel while washing. The power, privacy, and temperature of a well place stream of water can be divine. Try masturbating with a hand-held shower head, bathtub faucet, or tub jet. Some vibrators can be used underwater, too.

4) BUZZ. Vibrators are equal opportunity. Everyone can enjoy a vibrator. Place a vibrator on the underside of the tip (frenulum) of the penis. The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings and often enjoys vibration. Try on the inner lips, mons, and anus, too.

5) SELF-ACCEPTANCE. "Sometimes I forget that my body needs to be loved, not criticized." ~Not your mother's Meatloaf: a sex education comic book. Loving and accepting our bodies as they are is the first step in enjoying the pleasure bodies can give us. If we wait to have sex until our bodies are the way we want them to look, we're wasting all the pleasurable sensations we could be having right now. Loving your body is a revolutionary act.

6) LUBE. We’re big on lube here at Self Serve. Lubrication makes a massage that much better, why wouldn’t the same be true for sex? Most men already know the value of lube for stroking the willy. Lube also helps a vulva get things started before she makes her own wetness. Listen to Molly tell you about lube on Self Serve TV.

7) TIME. Often people rush masturbation to orgasm to feel that release. Then they go to sleep. That can be a great stress release. Alternatively, if you take your time and slowly build up to orgasm it can be more relaxing. If you make "relaxing" the goal rather than “finishing” the experience can be a different kind of AHHHHHhhh. It’s good self-care to set aside time to seduce and please yourself.

8) INSPIRE. Porn, erotica, fantasies, phone sex, or taking a class on sex skills can be really fun to get your juices running. There are so many quality sexy materials out there. Self Serve rents porn, stocks the latest in erotica, and even sells sexy coloring books.

9) HELPERS. Assisted masturbation can be really hot. You could ask your special friend to watch you, give you a show, or join you in pleasing yourself. Who couldn’t use an extra set of hands anyways? As slam poet Alix Olson says, "Mutual masturbation makes a lot of sense."

10) WORK-OUT. You don’t need a gym to exercise your kegel/ pubococcygeus/ PC muscles. The stronger your pelvic floor muscles, the stronger your orgasms can be. You also have more control over when you have orgasms and how many. The best part is, it feels great to exercise! You can do them anytime, anywhere, and no one else will know. Ben Wa balls were the original kegel muscle exerciser. then, Smartball Uno came out as fun device to assist in PC strengthening that stay in effortlessly. It's fun to use with a vibrator, too. Also Je Joue (the British company that brought us the genius G-ki) has come out with an affordable and comfortable set called Ami, available in the store or by phone. These sexercise balls have a ben wa ball in them that jiggles when you move. A customer once told me she loves to go jogging with hers!

Happy Masturbation May! Now go do your parts.

Leather Bear Tails: When submissives abuse protection

There is a lot of talk about how Dominants abuse the concept of protection, and although many of those are right on the mark it is rarely discussed how submissives can also abuse this concept. I am not saying that that there are not legitimate times when submissives and slaves need to call on their protectors, what I am saying is that sometimes submissives manipulate situations to create a need for the protection to happen. As far as I can see there could be a few reasons why this would happen.

If a submissive or slave feels emotionally charged and energized by the Dominant actively being protective over them, if the submissive is feeling distant and is seeking the dominants attention, if the submissive likes to create drama filled situations, or if the submissive is feeling threatened by the Dominants social activities. All of these have the same result. The submissive creates a situation to feel unsafe, the dominant steps in, sometimes appropriately, sometimes more forcibly then needed, and the submissive get s the attention they desire. The offending person then will usually create a distance between themselves sand the couple, confusion in tow.

We all have disagreements, personality conflicts, and basic misunderstandings, but the submissive who is looking to reengage the Dominant, isolate the Dominant, or create distance between the Dominant and someone in particular will be able to easily do this by creating or continuing a conflict.

The Dominant, thinking that they are stepping in and doing the right thing then gets pulled in and a small, easy to solve conflict becomes more about pride and showboating then it does about problem solving.

As I think back over the last few years, I can remember being on the receiving end of a submissive that created just this type of situation. I didn’t see it at the time, but I can definitely see it now. The Dominant and I were on friendly terms, not friends, but friendly, and the submissive and I had a strong personality conflict. So after a routine business conversation between myself and the submissive, were nothing personal was mentioned, the submissive called the Dominate in. The submissive felt I had been too aggressive, the Dominant felt a need to protect them, and I was left very confused as to how or why I had offended this person. The interesting part is that the submissive has continued this pattern with all of Dominants’ that they have become involved with. I know that sooner or later I am going to be approached by the Dominant saying that I have done something or said something, or not said something that has offended this submissive. So I just stay away from the submissive and whoever they have become involved with to avoid the inevitable. I have watched the submissive isolate their Dominants from other people that the submissive doesn’t like or are threatened by under the guise of needing protection. Honestly I don’t blame the Dominants anymore, after all, they are stepping in and taking charge and creating what they feel is a safe and supportive environment.

However, if clashes resulting in the need to step in occur on a regular basis it might behoove the Dominant to take a step back and ask themselves what do all of these conflicts have in common?

The answer might surprise them.

If you are looking for power munches, play parties, or hands on workshops in the Albuquerque are please contact:

aelmailing@gmail.com

If you are interested in an active online community please find:

Fetlife.com

The group name is:

New Mexico Fetlifers

Love Note to Myself

Dear Self,

It's been awhile. I'm sorry I've been so absent lately. I haven't been giving you the attention you deserve. Have I told you lately that I love you? You are beautiful in all the ways you think are ugly. Trust me, who knows you better? Also, you totally turn me on. However your body changes, it's great. Look at all the wonderful sensations you and I can feel! Your body amazes me. Even beyond the physical, your playful attitude and openness to new sex activities has kept us strong and adventurous. Any long-term relationship has it's dry spells. We have to work through it with vigor and enthusiasm. I'm back in the game. I want to take seduce you, ravage you! Just wait till I get my hands on you. Clear your schedule, get stock up on lube and batteries. I'm going to give you a night to write about in your journal!

Love,
Your Adoring Self