Self Serve(d) is a blog by and for a sex-positive world. We are all our own sexperts and have much to contribute. Self Serve(d) includes the wisdom, experience and advice from the sexperts all around us. communication, collaboration, liberation & masturbation...
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I’m writing this blog under duress. My Beloved Wife (aka She Who Must Be Obeyed) told me that I needed to write a blog by this Friday because it would be “good for me” and that the writing process would help me stop beating myself up over feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the running of the Brickhouse Betties group. She stated that writing a fat positive blog would be a wonderful experience in that it would help me become more emotionally centered. I reluctantly and grumpily agreed that she was right, whereupon I then proceeded to procrastinate all week long on the actual writing of the “therapy blog”.
My justification on why I wasn’t starting the blog usually veered around the area of “I don’t have the time for this” or the more self deprecating but emotionally honest reason of “I’m too scared and tired to keep putting myself out there”. So there I was two hours before my deadline and still steadfastly avoiding putting cyber pen to paper and thinking, “what the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this done?”, when it hit me……..I didn’t want to focus on myself in an honest and self nurturing way.
Like many people, I’m in the throes of Fatty Cheerleader Burnout.
I define Fatty Cheerleader Burnout as that state of mental, emotional, and sometimes physical exhaustion that can come to someone when they get so caught up in the righteous fight for fat and body positive image awareness, that it becomes all too easy to avoid taking care of themselves. It can become a vicious cycle where the amount of self awareness needed to simply say “I need a break” isn’t there because the person needs a break in order to come to that conclusion. If it sounds familiar to many of you, it’s because it’s happens to everyone. I doesn’t just happen to fat positive cheerleaders, it happens to political activists, teachers, spiritual leaders (organizing pagans is like herding cats), social organizers, caregivers’, parents’ and supportive wives who make their spouses write blogs.
I’m in good company!!
So let’s say that you’ve identified that you are in the throes of Fatty Cheerleader Burnout, the next dilemma for a lot of people is what do you do now? In all honesty, I’m slowly making my way through the healing and renewal process but here are the personal goals that I have for combating FCB…. maybe they can help you too.
1) Give Myself Permission to Feel Whatever Emotions Wash Over Me Without the Guilt- Once I finally admit that I’m going through burnout, letting myself feel emotions such as grief, anger, and resignation is quite difficult for me to do without feeling very guilty. I’ve internalized the idea that these emotions somehow convey that I’m not a good leader because I’m not happy and strong all the time. Giving myself the affirming message that “it’s okay to not be okay”, is certainly a lot harder than it sounds, but I know that I can do it. Right now, I’m finding that saying “I’M NOT OKAY!!” out loud is having a surprisingly cathartic effect.
2) Unconditionally Accept the Reassurance and Loving Positivity that People Give to Me When I Reach Out for Help- Like with many people who experience Fatty Cheerleader Burnout, I tend to feel panic and surprise when people offer words of comfort and encouragement. I know that one of the main reasons for this is that I still feel like I’m whining when I share what I’m really going through. I know that part of the process of loving myself means that I need to accept the fact that other people love me too.
3) Don’t Take the Journey of Others Personally- As the founder of a fat positive group, it has become waaaaay to easy for me to internalize every pitfall that my Betties face as a personal failing on my part. Telling myself things such as “If I was a leader then she wouldn’t continue to engage in fat hating relationships” and so forth, has taken more of a toll on me than I realized and I am having to relearn the importance of letting people make their own mistakes. This is allowing me the emotional space to concentrate on my own.
While this has been a difficult blog to write, in end I’m glad that Beloved made me do, if only for the simple reason of being able to say “thank you” to everyone for all that you make the Brickhouse Betties. And a special thank you to my beautiful wife for all that you make me.
Brickhouse Betties Yahoo Group:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Brickhouse_Betties/
Brickhouse Betties Facebook Group:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/brickhousebetties/
My Wife’s Amazing Leather Bear Blog
http://selfserved.blogspot.com/2011/07/leather-bear-tails-through-looking.html
I remember a few yeas ago heard the argument that people cannot be 24/7 it just isn’t possible to maintain the M/s role on a continuous basis. I don’t remember what exactly the person reasoning was; I just remember that the comment has stuck with me for a long time.
So I was out by the barn the other day when I had an “ah ha “moment, and this is what I came to. We all have roles in our lives, for the purpose of this discussion I am only going to talk about two different types of roles, and how they apply to the 24/7 M/s dynamic, these roles I call “assumed” roles and “ARE” roles.
Assumed roles are roles that we pick up and put down, for example if a person is a supervisor at work they assume the role but do not assume the role once they are off that job. Or if a person is volunteering at a community function they assume the role of that position and then when the time is up they put it down again. For some people the BDSM, fetish, kink, and leather roles are assumed roles. They assume the role when time, energy, or an engaged partner permit. It doesn’t make their experiences less real or less valid. However, for many people their limiting factors have to take priority.
Then there are what I call the “ARE” roles. These are the roles that we don’t pick up and put down, they are the roles that are within us no matter where we are and what we are doing. For example, if someone is a spouse they are a spouse all the time, no matter if they are buying groceries or flirting with someone’s besides their spouse. If someone is a parent then they are a parent all the time, no matter if they are going to their job or organizing a play party. That is part of who they are.
There are some people who in their BDSM, leather, fetish, and kink lives have assumed that part of their lives as an ARE role. For them, it is so engrained in their everyday identity that picking it up and putting it down is not an option.
These are the 24/7’s. This is when the simple things that all of us do everyday are also about our alternative experience.
A meal isn’t just about a meal; it is about service, even if we are eating out. An honored request to bring me something is about attention and service and respect. Just because these things are not being done with my slave naked in chains doesn’t make it less of an M/s experience. Just because I am not dressed in my leathers doesn’t make my requests less important.
Just because my slave isn’t shaking in her boots in fear at the thunder of my voice doesn’t make her service less sincere.
Because these aren't roles we pick up and put down there isn’t a need to put all of our energy into a single experience. We don’t feel a need to make that one play party the perfect play party in the perfect clothes with the perfect protocol. Instead our M/s identities “ARE” about who we are and what we do.
My slave is bringing me tea right now, she is dressed in my shirt and her special slippers, and she rubbed my back and headed off to get breakfast ready. I am sitting here in my boxers typing away after having fed the horses and called to work. These everyday things are the fabric of our lives. So what is the M/s side to this? My slave knows I love tea when I write, and I am hungry after I feed the horses, and don’t even get me started on back rubbing… I love her in my shirts and special slippers.
Whether a person is able to do an assumed role or an “ARE” role, or if they are drawn to having an assumed role or an “ARE” role in the BDSM, fetish, leather, or kink lives it is important to remember that no role is better or more valid then the other. For some people there are just some roles that make more sense to pick up and put down, and for others it is about the everyday bits of our lives.
If you are interested in power munches, safe play parties, or hands on workshops n the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:
If you are interested in an active online community please find:
Felitfe.com
Group name:
New Mexico Fetlifers
